Each divorce is different, each family is different, but one thing stays the same: stepparents can come on the scene, and it seems particularly difficult for stepmothers. What happens when the children are adults already or when the stepmother hates the children? If you’re involved with someone who has children, think long and hard before you come into the picture and wreak havoc. This open letter to stepmothers comes from my heart and my true experiences. I have decided to make it public in the hopes that other stepmothers will read it and think about how they want to treat the children, and that parents will read it and have serious discussions about this matter.
Take a lesson from my grief for your own families. Here’s a picture of my father holding my brother and me when I was five and he was three.
Dear Stepmother:
I always knew you were coming. When I was nine-years-old, I took out a book called When Your Mom and Dad Divorce. My mother asked me if I was making plans; I told her I was keeping my options open. I always knew you were coming.
I knew someday a divorce would come and you would follow it. I knew, in my heart, you would come, and I had even prepared myself for this eventuality. I tried to imagine how wrong the fairy tales were – how Cinderella’s stepmother was not really evil and Snow White’s stepmother was just misunderstood. I know it is hard to marry into a family, especially a family where the children are already in their 20s. I had heard that you had a son. I felt relieved because I had always wanted a big brother. But it was my lot in life to be the eldest, and with the addition of your son, I would move to the middle… I would still be the only girl.
I imagined a stepmother who would love my father and welcome his children. I had imagined a stepmother who could be my friend. When my father wanted to introduce you to my children, I even let you in. I welcomed you. I prepared my father for you when he would tell me how lonely he was without my mother.
I never asked anything of you, and I was never anything but kind to you; yet for my kindness, what did I get?
My father died and you did not even have the courtesy to tell me yourself. You fought with my brother constantly about the situation, barred people from his hospital bed. Worse than that, you barred me from my father’s body. He has been dead now a month and I still have no idea when you will give me a death certificate or allow me to get keepsakes of my father. You did not consult me before cremating my father, who in fact wanted to be buried. You did not even give me a say in his obituary, which I had to google like a common stranger. I had to find out a week before the memorial what was happening. You couldn’t be bothered to tell me about it or ask anyone to tell me. I heard it through the grapevine, again like a common stranger.
You came into a family where you weren’t wanted, but I tried to be kind to you because I know what that is like. I, too, came into a family where I wasn’t wanted, which is what led to my own divorce. I, too, saw the pain of an unhappy family in my childhood, though my parents desperately wanted me (so much so they took seven years of fertility treatments to have me). I wanted a peaceful life, but you did nothing but attack me. I could attack you now. I know who you are and what you are, and I could blow the lid off that. Instead, I chose to make reasonable requests that have gone ignored.
Dear Stepmother, do you hate my father so much that you would treat his children with such contempt and such disrespect? Do you hate yourself so much that you would want to be treated this way? What will people think when they read this letter and know it is you that I am speaking of? Do you even care?
Dear Stepmother, as this is the end of the line for you in our family, I am sorry for your loss and I wish you well. I hope that you find a nice family to be a part of. For myself, I will be relieved when you leave. My father told me before he died he wanted me to get along with you, but it seems he forgot that you hate me and that it takes two to get along.
Beautifully written.
Thanks!
I’m glad you liked it
Thank you for giving a voice to us kids out their who didn’t reject their stepmom. I have been thankful for mine for the time I met her. I would make her crafts at school and give her a present for mother’s day, but she never cared for me. Eventually I was out of the family, told I was not family to them. Had to live with friends in high school cause I was homeless. her daughter (my older stepsister) turned out to be a mess eventhough she got private school and college payed for, while I have my life together and a good husband. Now they want to be apart of my life, but how is that gonna work when they told my stepsister I chose not to come around instead of the truth that I was not allowed and tried to visit before I turned 18 but was turned away everytime. Now my stepsister thinks I didn’t want to get to know her, but I tried and wasn’t allowed.
Ohh sweetheart I wish you could have been one of my step children, I love them and only wish them well but they have nothing to do with me, their younger sister and their dad and I didn’t intend out purposely in any way I know of push them out of the family!
Rebecca,
Thank you for writing this! I’m going thru this now!
I did get along with my stepmom and also had my kids call her grandma!
My Dad passed a few months ago, we had no say in anything! My Dad only had 2 daughters me and my sister. The stepmom had her own 2 daughters. In the obituary it said my Dad had 4 daughters, me and my sister were very upset by this! After he was cremated she took the ashes and has them hidden! She would not let us look at the funeral cards or even help write thank yous! Everyone said to leave her alone and let her grieve, so we respected that! Christmas we were each given a shirt of his! After that we didnt hear from her!
Until the day we heard that she sold my Dads antique car that my real mom and my dad purchased when I was 9. He worked on that car everyday of his life! When my older son started to help him with it and start to get interested he loved that time spent! I always thought I would have that car, until we heard that she went ahead and sold it without asking us if we wanted it! Now we find out she cleared out the rest of his garage possessions after my son asked for a tool of his grandpas! My son called to ask why and she said he was harassing and bullying her!
Now I dont have any idea what to do! She wont call us says we remind her of our Dad, but she has my uncle helping her who looks just like him!
She even changed the deed to the house and took his name off! I dont want anything, I just deserve the respect that he was my Dad and why is she making everyday miserable for us!
Dont have funds to get a lawyer and not sure if i should bother fighting for anything. I’m just hurt and dont know where to turn! Any advice is helpful!
Unfortunately I can relate to your story. Just got a copy of my Father’s will and everything was left to her, mind you this is his fourth wife. I was extremely close to my dad, and the only thing I wanted was his 1981 Harley Davidson. We shared a love of motorcycles and used to ride a lot together. Like your father, mine was always wrenching on his hot rods and motorcycles in the garage. Just a few years ago, he told me that when he died, everything would be split equally amongst his children. She obviously got him to change that. My head and heart are aching. I, like you, didn’t want anything besides his bike, because it was sentimental to me. I’m sorry you have gone through the same thing. Xoxo
I am sorry that your relationship with your step mother was not a good one. I wish both of you the best. It sounds like it was not easy for either one of you.
Thanks for your comment. I imagine it wasn’t, as I imagine it is difficult to marry into a family where there are already adult children, since I know for the adult children it is not easy. I’ve always tried to be a kind person, so it’s more difficult for me to swallow the venomous nature of the situation at hand.
Sounds extremely one sided. People in general are this way. Stepmothers usually put up these type of walls to keep from getting hurt. I’m sure there is more to your story. Hope you find the truth and that it brings healing to your life.
There is always more than one side to a story, thanks for the well wishes.
I’m so sorry for your heartache. This truly isn’t the story of all families and I wish it could have been different for you as it should have been. I am so grateful that I was so fortunate that my adult step children were so open to me in their lives and are now “My Children.” I cant imagine my life without them in it, it is so full and blessed. I now have my first Grandson because of my eldest. Your step mom truly lost out on God’s best Gifts!
Thanks for reading and for your kind words. I’m glad you had a different story.
Please can you drop email address so that I can message you I’m Richard Jackson from Alabama if you don’t mind
These are so one-sided stories. Me being the stepmother I understand that kids see things the way they want or are told by their mother. I love my stepchildren as much as I love my own and they don’t feel different. We don’t even use the word step in my house. They don’t like the word. But I was adopted and I also never got to see a will of my fathers or grandfathers who left me things and money. I haven’t seen any of it. I’m not mad It’s not the stupid things I care about. Those things my father and grandfather would want my mom and grandma to do with them as they please. My father would roll around in his grave if I fought with my mom and grandma bc I haven’t gotten any materialistic things that technically still belong to both of their wives. I just want to keep my memories. I want to keep them cherished. I remember those things in my mind and through photographs. This sounds like a bunch of jealous stepkids that they can’t have all of their daddy’s things. Why should their wife have to give them up. I mean when my husband dies if I’m still alive I may have to sell his car to pay for things to get through. Do you ever think it isn’t about you and that your stepmother is now alone and grieving and still needs to get by? Why should his kids get the things he and his wife paid for and kept up with? No handouts in life. Put your feelings to the side and let go of the hurt. I get that yes there are evil stepmothers. I have seen them first-hand, but her not giving your dad’s Harley or car doesn’t make her an evil stepmother. If you want things like that then go buy them. Then you will have the memory of your father with you in your car. Maybe you think I’m evil for saying these things but I don’t really care bc that’s life. You don’t get everything you want. I can say I’m not screaming for wills and shit when I could be. But all that does is keeps me fixated on anger instead of what my father and grandfather wanted.
Also the father saying all he wants if for you to get along with her on his death bed shows the real picture. Maybe you never accepted her or wanted her from the beginning. If he is asking for that. We dont get to choose our parents spouse specially when we are grown and have a family of our own to take care of. You dont have to like her. He does. He has to live with her and he chose her. He didnt choose you you were a gift to him. Trust me a woman doesnt marry a man that has kids she cant stand and wont accept.
Well u r WRONG on that last statement! My step mother hates me now after my father’s death more than she did when he was alive! Your entire comment reeks of bitterness! In turn, that makes me? the validity of your story. Don’t mean to be harsh but a spade is a spade! “Thats life!”
I think your wrong. My stepmother was 27 and my dad was 45 when they married. All she did was compete for his affections, and alienate his 2 kids. She never championed a relationship she wanted everything to herself . She did not want to share with us only her family.
Christina Cronk, Children are not only a gift to their parents they are also a responsibility. The child has an attachment to their parent and a bond that they grow up expecting to maintain and society supports this. In bereavement the wife and all children are grieving but with step parents they can choose to deal with the situation with total lack of concern for their step children. Unfortunately the way the system works leaves the step children’s bereavement impacted at the whim of someone who may or may not care for them.
I have been with my parent for 24 years. He has never caused a problem and has been devoted to his step brother. He was blocked from seeing his dad whilst he was dying, people were leaving sympathy messages as if they had told him he didn’t;t exist, she said they would plan scattering the ashes together and now we have found out that she did this with other people excluding my partner.
His dad thought she was having an affair and she has now declared she is in a relationship with that man.
Are we jealous twisted people? Yes there are brilliant step parents, and ones that even compensate for a parent who was abusive but then unfortunately there are others. Please don’t dismiss other people’s reality just because it doesn’t chime with your own.
You have touched a nerve with me. This woman was your father’s wife. Unless he specifically and legally made other arrangements, his marriage to her is a legal declaration that she will handle his death and burial arrangements. A second wedding is not some steerage ticket on the marriage boat, entitling the bearer to only a fraction of the services of the “first” class.
It’s nice you feel so wanted because of your parents’ fertility treatments, but the wife was wanted, too. He chose her. He stayed with her. Your sense of entitlement to top spot in your dad’s affairs sounds very much like the “mini-wife syndrome.” This behavior could very well be why your dad’s wife didn’t feel warm and cozy toward you.
Your dad was a human being. He wanted what most humans want, a life companion. Why did you begrudge him this? His second marriage was not about you. It was about HIM getting his own needs met, separate and apart from his constant giving giving giving as a father.
I doubt your dad’s widow set out to make an enemy of you. She was most likely in love and excited about a new chapter in her life, like every other bride. She did not foresee hostility in people who supposedly loved him. It sounds like you are the one who caused stress in her life and eventually alienated her.
Finally, if she is the terrible, awful, no-good woman you portray her as, you still have to come to the mature truth that it is your father who chose her, stayed with her, trusted her with his affairs. He was an adult. That’s his right.
Lastly, your comment that she came into a “family where she was wanted” is very telling to me. Did you and your brother expect to “own” your father forever? Your dad had probably given up a lot already in fulfilling his vision of fatherhood for you. Did he have to give up the rest of his life, too, after you were grown? The woman WAS wanted. By her bridegroom. And that’s all a marriage is for: the two people who say “I do.” It should have been your role to support your dad, not try to displace the woman he wanted as his partner.
Anyone reading this who has a single parent, I hope you will consider that said parent is an adult who has the same needs as every other human, even you yourself. There is more to them than parenthood, just like there is more to you than being a daughter or son. Respect that part of your parent and treat any subsequent marriage as you would want others to treat your marriage.
Sorry, there’s a typo up there. The phrase I was quoting from the original letter is missing a word. It is supposed to read “a family where she was NOT wanted.”
That’s OK, I sometimes make typing errors when replying as well. Again, thank you for the comment.
Shame on you!! I realize you wrote this awhile ago “Anonymous” but since this has just happened to me I need to respond. As an adult I fully embraced my dads choice of a wife, I fully embraced her. I was with my dad when he passed and tried like hell to bring him back. I didn’t want to manage his services, I did that with my mom. I did want to feel acknowledged as his daughter, I haven’t gotten to have anything of his, things she’s decided to get rid of I voiced that I’d love to have it, sure she said for a cost. Now at exactly 6 months she’s moved in with another man who will take care of her. That’s fine but she also moved out of my life too.
Just because a parent has adult children doesn’t mean we become inconsequential, or because he has remarried we become less child or him less Dad. Shame on you Step-Mother.
LoriAnn, I have found it interesting how many people have made nasty comments (even about me wanting the death certificate) and how many people have been compassionate. I am surprised that people would expect that as an adult one is simply done with a parent, and I wish those people to never experience what we have in losing a parent. It is really terrible how people can behave with grief. I am sorry for the pain you are going through and like you, I made every attempt to fully embrace this woman, but she was so nasty to us (and especially me) that it became impossible to do so. I can relate, she got rid of most of dad’s things before we were able to secure an order prohibiting that behavior and she even got rid of some of my stuff that he was borrowing! I’m very sorry for your loss.
I was in the same situation as you. Horrible step mother. My Dad was a good man but not a strong one so she got by with treating me horribly and keeping me from my Dad. You know what though, it helped make me a good stepmother! I’m so sad for children going through this. And I don’t understand it. I look like my Mom and I think mine was jealous because of that. She passed away before my Dad and he was full of regret for the time we missed and time not spent with my kids.
Kathy H, I to have had to deal with a stepmom who’s only agenda after getting with my father was to push my sister and I out. She successfully pushed my older sister out at only 9 or 10, she had weight issues & so my stepmom would go buy clothes for me & her daughter who was the same size a year or so apart in age and then my sister she would have a .99 cent polish for and make a comment about her weight & not knowing her size. She was so cruel to her about what she ate hiding snacks & picking her apart for any action. My sister was over heard calling her a bitch when she was crying upset & my dad flipped out & smacked her across her face. By the way my dad adopted her because he met my mom very early in her pregnancy because her bio dad didn’t want her. I would cry for my sister, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t understand why my dad let it happen. Well then I started visiting my dad alone & I was 8. Things were okay at best if she wasn’t angry or I didn’t stay longer then 2 days or so. My bio mom has bipolar and she was physically abusive at that time because she was sick & I couldn’t take the abuse anymore Or being homeless or bouncing around on people’s floors because my mom was struggling so bad. so I ended up moving into my dads at 11 or 12, right away I could feel that she didn’t want me there. She basically made life a living hell for me until I was kicked out at just turned 16 for not coming home for a day because I couldn’t handle her constantly following me around nit picking me. I would run to the basement to my room right before it was time for her to pull up from work if I was up stairs she would make me feel so small with looks, comments, energy until I went to my room where I ate dinner most nights. I tried committing suicide a couple times & I was already struggling with depression & she would almost enjoy kicking me when I was down. She was typically clever about not doing it in front of my father but it would definitely slip and show. She would knit pick everything I wore until my dad made me change, it wasn’t provocative or anything it was things like a pair of leopard leggings and a black t shirt. She threw a fit until my dad agreed he didn’t at first but he did in the end like always because he clearly just does what she wants at that point. I would get grounded over anything and everything for months at a time. She would tell me I wasn’t allowed to go to the beach with friends or hang out downtown like the other kids I knew. Only to find out she was letting her own daughter who was almost 2 yrs younger then me do it all and more. But if my dad dared to say anything her kids did wrong she flipped out. She would buy her cigarettes and my dad found them in the car he bought for me but I didn’t get the appropriate grades because I was struggling due to undiagnosed adhd in school so it was an excuse to not let me take my drivers test or get the car. So he gave it to her daughter. I started to rebel because I felt like a prisoner & was being emotionally abused by her & had mental issues that were starting to surface. We once went to family counseling before I was kicked out & the therapist told both them how wrong it was & my dad said we aren’t going back to this lady she clearly isn’t good at her job & is manipulatied by a child. I wasn’t a perfect child but i didn’t deserve the abuse & it hurts to this day because my father has still let it continue. When I was 19 I let my dad back in my life and I was pregnant because I had no where to go but live with my boyfriend because I wasn’t allowed to go home. I would t trade my daughter for anything though. I honestly forgave and moved on until the blame for it all was solely pushed on me for everything in their home & then I started seeing the behaviors with my sisters kids and my kids. She is cold to them, doesn’t put effort into birthdays or gifts for them but her grandkids she literally has a closet half full at all times full of different sizes as they grow. . My kids are ignored and she yells at them for anything and everything and talks so much negative about my sister and I to anyone and everyone but my dad allowes it and as a mother I must protect my kids from it. It hurts I have barely seen my dad in a long time and we live a few mikes apart. All I ever wanted was her love and acceptance and for them to both apologize and make changes but you I don’t know if I will ever see it, I had to put boundaries up because my kids will not be effected by her abuse like I have been my whole life, it hurts I miss my dad so much but when we tried to talk to him he went crazy on us.
LoriAnn, I hate that you experienced this. That response hit a nerve with me as well. As I stated in a previous comment, I hate the term “mini wife” and it irritates me when women use it. It is a demeaning term. I have tried to understand the different points of view and am having serious trouble understanding why it is so difficult to understand that every experience is different. Just because a woman marries a man with children does not give her the title “stepmother” or mean that she is a great person. Stepmother to me means you actively had a role in raising your step children or everyone has worked together to develop that relationship. And news flash – there are some women who marry men who do not want their husband to have continuing relationships with their family. And again, some women do marry for the money. And also, some women are just unpleasant. Not all stepchildren are horrible and not all women are great. Before everyone grabs their keyboards, some woman are great people who are treated awful by the family as well. Some women do everything possible to try to have good relationships and it does not work. Some are abused and treated horrible. My point is – people are people and some are not pleasant and some you would not choose to have a relationship with if you met them under other circumstances.
There is no reason that I can understand why family items should not go the children regardless of the relationship. Those family items have no meaning to anyone but family. There should not have to be an order or a directive to see to this – just be a decent person and do the right thing. Why is it so difficult to understand that children would like something that belonged to their father? If you are offering this to the children only if they pay you, you might have just failed being a human 101. As far as funeral planning and the obituaries, is it so hard to understand that children might like to have some involvement? Before everyone jumps on the band wagon of I’m the spouse it is my choice – yes it is, but again is it so hard to be considerate? I have read stories of children left out of obituaries – I mean really – who does that? You might be making a point or taking a jab at children you felt treated you wrong – but everyone who knew the man knew he had children, so it doesn’t really paint you in a flattering light. And it is cruel. There has also been discussion that children do not need and shouldn’t have a copy of the death certificate. I mean people were offended about this. My mother has been dead for 10 years and just recently I had a one off situation where I had to provide a copy. That is why the funeral home gives multiple copies. Again, why on earth would this be a big deal?
I do truly feel for those woman who have married into situations where they are not treated right and have done everything to get along. This is an experience a lot of women have to deal with. But we have to recognize that children can and do have the same experiences at the hand of step parents.
Milo, this is my favorite comment ever. Thanks so much for making it.
The reason the phrase is “where no one wanted you” is because in the original construction of the family no one planned for or wanted a second marriage. Unless you are assuming that my father had married my mother and had children with her, planning all along to have a second marriage. I am in no way wanting the top spot in my father’s affairs, nor have I ever wanted the top spot in his affairs. I was always civil and nice to her. I do think it is very telling in the way she has handled these affairs around his death. I realize though, that everyone is going to have their own perspective. Thank you for taking the time to share that I hit a nerve with you.
By the way I supported my father very much, I told my father to divorce my mother because he would call me every night crying and stating how miserable he was. I told him to get divorced, be happy, move on with his life, get remarried etc. When I met her, I told him that I had only met her for a few minutes but that it was his opinion that mattered. I think that people should not try to displace adult children nor should adult children attempt to displace partners, but it does in fact go both ways. The fact is he chose a woman that was horrible to his children, and continues to this day to behave inappropriately toward me and my brother. However, that was dad’s choice to make, her attitudes were her choice to make. My choice to not interact with her was a consequence of those actions she chose to make.
I do hope that when your parents die you are treated better than we’ve been treated.
I’m so sorry this b**** thinks that she can walk all over your relationship with your family. She might be your Father’s wife but she is an insensitive, thoughtless and cruel woman. She clearly lied to your father in order for him to ask you to be “nice” to her. Imo, if she “loved your father sooo much’ she would have respected his full life and not just her portion! What she continued to do regarding his personal belongings and service was petty and cruel as well as devivisive regarding his family.
In short, f*** her, Rebecca. You out classed her on all fronts. Better than that. Let her come and apologize ( and with a crazy good reason or else) and then cut ties totally.
You should know that the spirit of your father is with you in love. Forgive her for yourself, but learn from it.
Totally resonated me. Similar experience.
Hi Renee, I am glad my post resonated with you. I am so surprised with how much this post and my other post about death have resonated with commentators even though they have now become much older posts. Fortunately, she has been silent as the grave since the court proceedings ended and I pray she stays that way and has a blessed life far away from me. When she dies, I plan to exhume my dad’s ashes so that my brothers and I can put them where we wish. I agree with you regarding everything you’ve said about her and continue to live my life knowing these things. I even sent her this post once upon a time, in hopes that she would change her behavior, but sadly I think all that did was get her to bring some friends to attack me as anonymous commentators etc. I’m not worried though, I know who I am and what I am.
Out of curiosity…why did you assume that you would get a copy of your dad’s death certificate? What would you need it for, considering he predeceased his spouse? Generally speaking, spouses are the de facto executors of wills and other final arrangements. When my dad passed, my mom didn’t give all of us kids copies of the death certificate. What on earth would we need it for? It was her job to handle final arrangements, including getting their financials in order after his death.
Your letter and comments seem full of contradictions. You claim you hadn’t spoken with your dad much in over 10 years…but you knew it was his wish to be buried rather than cremated? You claim that you were barred from the hospital and his body…but his final words to you were to be nice to your stepmom? Obviously, from his perspective…you weren’t nice.
And what court proceedings? Did you take your SM to court over all this? And why on earth would you say you’re going to exhume your dad’s ashes after SM passes away so you can put them where you want them? What makes you think you have that right?
The fact is…your dad is where he wants to be and his death was handled the way he wanted it handled. If he wasn’t…his will stated would have stated otherwise and you would have won whatever it is you were trying to win in court.
I’m glad your poor SM is finally free of you and your controlling, meddling ways. Must be a huge relief for her. (And, no…I don’t know her or you and wasn’t sent here by her to attack you. Just pointing out that your expectations about what happens when a parent dies are way off base.)
Wow 😳 seriously harsh. Reality is, the man had children from a previous marriage and those relationships are sacred. If you do enter into a relationship with an individual who has children, you have to understand there was a lifetime of experiences and memories before you. Adult children may not have a desire to have a close relationship with the new spouse, that in no way means that they do not wish to see their parent have a happy marriage or enjoy life. No one said it would be easy being the second wife but the person knows that going in. If you love the person, you want them to have a great relationship with their kids and might even have to back out sometimes. I’ve been the stepmom and had the stepmom when my elderly father remarried. It takes patience and respect, but it can work. It is heartbreaking for all when it doesn’t. Bottom line, don’t make anyone choose a side – and why would you – family always comes first – and if you do it right family can develop even in second marriages.
Interestingly though, her dad told her on his deathbed to try harder to get along with his wife.
This indicates that the adult step daughter was causing trouble. Maybe the sort of trouble that can be stirred up by writing an “open letter?”
Way to respect your dad’s dying wishes…
Have you been in this situation, then you know nothing. Stop being so judgemental of someone who was caused great deal of pain through no fault of her own. Father’s should take better responsibility for all of their children, including those from a previous marriage!
Thanks for your comment. I agree with everything you’ve said, but people like to judge others for a variety of reasons, and that’s just the way it is. I quit responding to the judgey ones because they were taking up too much of time.
I must agree with all you said . Finally some sense and maturity . Thank you you made my day
Step moms are not a replacement of the actual mother. Get that through your heads. No child needs two moms or two dads. Grow up step moms and move out of the way, you’re lucky you are even there in the first place. Don’t tread on a mothers wishes. As far as dealing with adult children, same goes across the board… the family is established, be careful stepping on toes. No man will be lonely, but don’t mistake is loneliness for his children’s willingness to let you move in and take over. I’ll fight for my rights as a mother and daughter until the day I die, using every resource in my reach and then some. Swallow that truth and all you step moms out there should just back off, bc the real deal is here and will never back off. Choose to take your place as second best, marriage does not give you matriarch rights! Those rights are earned, get ready to back off or work for it. A true heart always comes through on top. How do you like me now?!? Guess what… it doesn’t matter what you think! Lol
Christa, thank you for your comment. I especially liked the how do you like me now. However, sadly I discovered as daughters we really have no rights. Be sure to talk to your dad if you can and make sure he provides some rights to you.
Yikes. A bunch of entitled, spoiled princesses on this blog, I see.
Um. Crista…sorry, but the law says you’re 1000% wrong. Grown children do not have any “rights” to their parents (minor children do, but not adult children)…and adult children who think they do have rights or a superior position to a new spouse are simply showing their greedy little behinds. You may FEEL like you do…but legally and morally that is not the case. (Sidenote: I really can’t understand the kind of mindset that would deny marital companionship to a parent who you claim to “love” out of your own petty insecurity and worries about “whose on top” in the family. My dad died young, and I would be thrilled for my mom if she ever chose to remarry.)
But back to the main point…your dad is a grown man who has the right to be happy. And if he and your sainted mother did a poor job and raised snot-nosed, selfish kids who would deny him companionship in his life while expecting to enjoy his full support for themselves until the moment he drops dead into his grave…then I’m sure he’s awfully disappointed in you, even if he may not ever tell you that to your face. I guarantee he tells his new wife how sad and disappointed he is in his kids, though. My husband certainly does. He loves me in a way that’s VERY different from the way he loves his kids…and far more profound because it’s chosen. I’d never make him pick between us, because I love him too much and I get along with my stepkids just fine when they aren’t being little jerks to their dad…but I know he’d pick me if he had to. Because I support him and don’t demand, demand, demand all day long and hurt him with my careless, crappy attitude toward him. I’m actually there for him, day-in, day-out…through every moment of life…making his life better and more enjoyable, not filling his life with stress and obligation.
The law does, however, automatically confer to the spouse the full rights and privileges of being a spouse. Marriage is a legally-binding contract similar to any kind of partnership contract. The two people make certain promises to each other and to each other alone…and are contracted to handle each others’ affairs, share in each others’ fortunes, build assets together, enjoy each others’ companionship…etc. Children do not have these rights with their parents. (I mean…unless you want to fulfill other marital duties with your dad as well…?)
Anyway. Good luck with your anger and bitterness…and your misinformation about what “rights” children have compared to spouses. As for being “lucky” to be there in your awesome broken family (hilarious) or wanting “matriarch rights” (whatever those are)…um. Lol. I don’t need any greater position than “only wife” thank you very much. That legally and morally entitles me to ALL of your daddy’s love, affection, and support.
Seriously……this attitude is why Disney movies make stepparents out as evil. “That legally and morally entitles me to ALL of your daddy’s love, affection, and support” – no actually it doesn’t unless your moral compass is broken. If you married a man with children (of any age), you knew the deal going in and should expect him to have a good, loving relationship with them. Love is more far profound because he chose it? Did he not chose to have children and love them? Would you be thrilled if your mom chose a partner to marry that had no use for you and wanted you out of her life? I seriously doubt it. I am sick of stepparents that refuse to acknowledge that when you enter the marriage, you are entering after a life altering event, due to divorce or death. There were relationships and family ties before your marriage and your marriage doesn’t erase all of that and nor should it.
The role of a stepparent is a hard one. The children (young or adult) are under no obligation to accept or love you. By the same token, neither are you – but you do have the obligation to respect that parent child relationship and not to interfere or damage that relationship. Many times the children do not have a chance to even get to know the new spouse before marriage. Divorce, death – all parties have different timelines for healing. That doesn’t mean that they do not want their parent to remarry and be happy. However, children should not feel that a remarriage destroyed their relationship with their parent. Truth is not all kids are a picnic but not all spouses are either. Being a “stepparent” is not a victim status or a game of who is loved the most, it was a fully informed choice when you said I do.
Before you throw me in the “entitled, spoiled princess” category, I am both a stepmother and have a stepmother. Been there, done that and wouldn’t change my stepson for anything in the world! Many hard times and a lot of work on both sides, but he has my back and I will always be there for him as well. I could not love him anymore than if he was my bio son and he knows it.
Thank you Milo, for such a thoughtful comment on a very painful post for me to write. I am happy to wear the entitled, spoiled princess label though from anyone who thinks that my simply wanting my things (and there were some of my personal property that my father had and I have not had returned to me) and to be included in saying good bye. What is so funny to me, is that the people who are often the most toxic are the ones who would be vicious if they were not given the basic things that they are attacking in this case me about, if this commentator wasn’t given the ability to be included and say good bye to her parent and/or to get any keepsakes, no doubt this person would be extremely vicious. Milo, you made me smile, to read a post by a step parent that isn’t bashing a child of a previous relationship, so often I see step parents bashing the previous marriage kids and I think that is so low class. Thank you for bringing some class into the discussion.
Milo & Rebecca –
If you read my comment, then you may have noticed I was responding to Crista, not to the original post. Losing a parent is hard, and I am sure it’s more difficult if the circumstances are fractured.
I, too, have stepkids who I was quite fond of and who I have been a kind adult to for over a decade now. They are adults now, and mostly fine…though a little spoiled and hapless, I think.
It rankles me, however, when ADULT kids act like they are entitled to their parents’ full support forever and ever but aren’t willing to let their parents move on and find happiness in a new relationship.
That’s an insane and unkind expectation to place on your parent who you claim to love…yet it’s incredibly common. I’ve seen story after story after story of dad getting remarried and the ADULT children making the new wife’s life a living hell…for no reason other than the fact that she had the gall to fall in love with their dad.
Kind of like Crista saying that ADULT kids should come “before” the wife…and that the wife should just suck it up and “accept” her place as “second best” and “get it through her head” and feel “lucky” to be treated like dirt by the “first” family. (Please. Makes me want to puke.)
Or like May below saying without any fear of being called ‘evil’ or ‘petty’ or ‘witchy’ that stepmoms “are the most HATED species on the face of this earth.”
Rebecca – in your view is THAT a “low-class” attitude? Or is it a double-standard and it’s only “low-class” if stepmoms admit to not liking their stepkids…even when they have good reason..but totally normal and acceptable for stepkids to be toxic and vitriolic toward their stepmom? I’m asking because I see far, far more stepkids bashing their stepmoms than the other way around (And, again, the stepkids seem to be able to do so without fearing that anyone will call them on it or tell THEM they’re being ‘evil’ and inappropriate.)
I’ve known many, many, many women who have put up with statements like these and a lot worse for years and years…while still remaining kind to their stepkids and supportive of their husband’s relationship with his kids. But…sorry. Choosing to marry a man with kids doesn’t mean that I “knew what I was getting into” or that I’m “choosing” to be treated like a second-class citizen and an outsider for the rest of my life.
I’ve also talked to many lonely dads who’ve remarried who are hurt, offended, and disgusted by their ADULT children’s reactions to their remarriage. I have one good guy friend who recently remarried after his wife died and he said to me of his own two grown daughters:
“I don’t know what they want from me. THEY have their own lives and families…they rarely make time for me in their busy schedules or come see me…but they’re angry that I’ve found companionship? I’m 65 and retired…what do my daughters think I do all day? Sit around thinking of them and hoping they’ll call? Am I just supposed to keep my home like a museum to them and their childhood and never be allowed to move on and be fulfilled myself?”
These dads usually don’t have the balls to call their kids out and tell them how disappointed they are in their behavior…but trust me. They do talk to their new wives and their close friends about it. In my observation, adult CODs tend to be very, very selfish and narcissistic when it comes to their parents…like you think they exist FOR you instead of being full-fledged humans with a life beyond you.
Perhaps the reason many of these kids have strained relationships with their dads is because of THEMSELVES and their own attitudes alienating their dads…and not because of anything stepmom did or didn’t do. To put it bluntly, you’re the one with the broken family. Stepmoms can’t be expected to fix what they didn’t break…but they do make a convenient scapegoat, I suppose.
The point of my post is that these dads are CHOOSING to get remarried, too…and that DOES come with both legal and moral obligations to the new spouse. It is simply a fact that the marriage relationship is unlike any other relationship on earth…and it confers on BOTH partners certain rights and privileges…legally. My husband and I are joined physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually…it is a partnership, which is VERY, very different from the parent-child relationship. I don’t have to “earn” my rights as a wife, as Crista says above. (Nor am I trying to have ‘matriarch’ rights or be their mom…gross. I am GLAD these ingrates aren’t my kids.) I had the full rights of a SPOUSE automatically the moment we said ‘I Do’ and signed the papers.
When I say that I am entitled to ALL my husband’s/your dad’s love…that doesn’t mean he can’t also give ALL his love to his kids. And to his mom…and to his sister…and to his dog…and to whoever else he chooses. Of course he can…I’m not a crazy person.
What that means is that 100% of his romantic, married love goes to me…the same as it would if it were a first marriage. Being a second-wife isn’t some coach class ticket to a miserable life. I’m happy with my husband. And he’s happy with me. And if my ADULT stepkids don’t like that…well, too bad. They don’t really get a say at this point.
Frankly, these adult CODs just need to grow up and stop thinking the entire world revolves around them.
Maddi,
I think it is a low class attitude when Adult Kids of Divorce do not give the step parent the benefit of the doubt and encourage their parent to be happy. As I may have mentioned in my original post, my father used to call me regularly telling me how lonely he was and how miserable he was and I actively encouraged him to divorce my mother and “move on with your life to be happy.” In my opinion, life is too short for both the adult child and the parent. Unfortunately, as you note there are horrible stories on both ends of it and I tried to be a decent human being in all things. I agree with you, that none of these relationships should be a coach ticket to a miserable life, and even on the 3rd anniversary of my father’s death (today), I do not believe that there was any reason for the pettiness and cruelness that was directed at my siblings and myself. In my case, my strained relationship with my father was due to several reasons, but as it turns out mostly around her. I couldn’t even call my father without her bad mouthing me in the background.
I also think it is low class when the parent, in my post my father, doesn’t do anything to encourage the step parent to be a human being and the kids as well. I was constantly being told to be nice to someone who was verbally abusive to me at every chance she got, and then blamed me for not wanting to be around her. I didn’t see my dad the last 10 years of his life because she refused to leave him alone, I would make plans to see him and she would show up, even after I told him that I wanted nothing to do with her because of her behavior.
And yet you notice from the comments on your post…that it is, apparently, considered perfectly fine and even funny to utter statements like “stepmoms need to get it through their heads that they are second best” and stepmoms have to “earn” their place in the family and stepmoms are “the most HATED species on the face of the earth!” (Species? So now all stepmoms aren’t even human? Interesting.)
All of these kinds of statements are completely acceptable and encouraged…and people make these outrageous, prejudiced and hateful statements against an entire group of people without worrying about being called names like ‘evil’ or ‘wicked’ by other posters. In fact, they can pretty much count on other posters giving them a virtual fist-bump or high-five.
But look how quickly the ‘evil’ label surfaces when I come on here and comment from a stepmom’s perspective. And I didn’t even say anything that bashes stepkids…despite you saying that stepmoms bash their stepkids all the time and that’s a “low-class” thing to do. I didn’t call my stepkids mean names. I didn’t say they were HATED or “second best” and that they don’t matter. I didn’t do any of that…and I certainly didn’t make broad, sweeping generalizations saying that ALL stepkids are awful and annoying.
All I did was make a statement of fact: That second wives aren’t trying to be mom and don’t have to “earn” their rights in the family. They are chosen by their husbands, and they are choosing their husbands…and they have the rights of a spouse automatically the moment they get married. This is a legal fact and one that doesn’t change just because the stepkids don’t like it.
But somehow I’m the ‘evil’ one who is being ‘low-class’ and ‘bashing’ stepkids? OK. If you say so.
I am sorry that you had a rough time with your stepmom…but sociological studies show that stepmoms are far more likely to be abused (verbally, emotionally, physically, financially, etc.) by their stepkids than the other way around. This has actually been researched, if you care to look into it.
And, respectfully, why would you expect your stepmom to be OK with her husband spending time with someone who has forbidden her presence? I encourage my husband to go out one-on-one with his kids all the time…and I have since they were young. I think that’s important. (He would usually prefer that I be there because we love each other and he likes to spend his free time with me…but I want his kids to get alone time with him.)
However, I have a good relationship with my stepkids. I don’t think I’d be as comfortable with him sneaking off to spend time alone with them if my stepkids were trying to dictate everything and say that I COULDN’T come along if I wanted to. I mean…are you married? If so, would you be OK with your husband spending time alone with a friend or family member who specifically said that you were excluded? Somehow I doubt it. That’s not how most marriages work. I certainly know that if anyone in my family…my sisters, brothers, mom, grandma, uncle, niece and nephews, or anyone at all…said my husband wasn’t welcome to join us, I wouldn’t go, either. If he’s out, I’m out. THAT’S how good marriages work…the spouses don’t allow triangulation by anyone outside the partnership…even kids from a previous marriage.
Or…to put it another way. My husband has a good friend from college who got married a couple years ago. His wife is awful and we can barely stand being around her. Sometimes my husband is able to go out with just the husband…but usually we’re both invited to spend time with both of them. The wife is hard to deal with, but we put up with her and are polite in order to be around our friend. Or we decline and miss out on time with our friend. What we’ve NEVER considered doing is saying: “Hey. We want to spend time with you but please don’t bring your awful wife, OK? We want nothing to do with her.”
We don’t do that because we know that: 1.) It would be rude and hurt his feelings, and 2.) He wouldn’t do it. In pretty much every circumstance people understand that, when you’re dealing with a married couple, they’re a unit. If you don’t want to spend time with one of them…you pretty much lose out on BOTH of them…because they’re a package deal.
It’s really only in stepkid and “first family” situations where it seems to be commonly accepted that the kids and ex-wife and former in-laws or whoever can exclude the new wife without being considered totally rude a**holes by society. Such a double-standard and another indignity stepmoms have to face too often…while their husband has to feel “stuck in the middle” between his jerky, selfish kids and his wife. How lovely of the kids to treat their dad like this.
Again…I’m not at all saying this was you. But you keep bringing up the fact that you “told your dad to get divorced” and go be happy as some kind of proof that you weren’t against your stepmom. To me, that sounds like a child who is far too enmeshed and invested in her dad’s love life and trying to call the shots from far too early an age. You should never have been the one dictating to your dad what he should be doing or have been elevated to adult status in this way. It’s likely your stepmom thought you had poor boundaries and she resented that kind of behavior. It’s also likely that your dad was the one who insisted that she come along when he spent time with you…believe it or not, husbands tend to love their wives’ company. If she was verbally abusive…none of this is an excuse for her behavior. And she certainly should have set old wounds aside when your dad passed away so that you could have time with him and good memories. Nothing excuses her actions…I’m just trying to explain how things like this often look from the other side.
I apologize…I don’t mean to be a blog hog…but I thought one thing bears a little more discussion…and that’s the issue of your dad calling you every night to discuss his marriage to your mom, crying on the phone to you…and you telling him to get divorced and be happy.
I do believe this is at the heart of what went wrong between you and your stepmom. I’ve seen a lot of comments on here talking about how stepmoms shouldn’t try to “displace” the kids…which is a really common societal attitude. The thing is, this idea of displacement should never be an issue because a wife and kids are in two very DIFFERENT places in the family unit…so no displacement happens if everyone is in the right place. In the first family, this is generally assumed. The two adults are at the head of the family, making decisions together, and the kids are in the child position. No one questions this…though we do see both men and women elevate their kids to partner status and getting their emotional needs met by their children because it’s easier than doing the hard work of making a marriage good…which is one of the leading causes of divorce.
The problem in second/blended families occurs because, far too often, divorced dads elevate their kids to adult status after divorce in order to “get on their good side” or to meet some emotional need of their own. Whatever the case, it isn’t good parenting. It’s selfish and dysfunctional. Then the new stepmom comes along and the kids FEEL “displaced” because they were in the wrong place to begin with…when all the stepmom is trying to do is be married and set up house like all newlyweds do. The stepmom didn’t cause the dysfunction in the parent-child relationship. That existed before she got there. Her presence just revealed it.
So the stepkids resent the new stepmom for “taking their place” and things that any other newly-married person is allowed and expected to do (like redecorating, going out alone with her husband, cooking new foods, etc.) are suddenly seen as ‘evil’ and evidence that she’s trying to ‘displace’ the kids. Eventually, the stepmom also starts to have feelings of resentment toward the stepkids because they are rude and try to act like the adults and decision-makers in a home that SHE is helping to pay for and maintain. The stepkids and stepmom “hate” each other…because neither group is willing to put the blame squarely where it belongs. On the husband/dad who created the unhealthy dynamic in the first place.
This would be an intolerable situation for any adult woman…and I could give you many stories and examples from my own life about ways my stepkids tried to act like the adults and call the shots in a house where I was paying the bills…and how my husband and I worked through these issues and managed to forge a strong family anyway.
But I won’t. Instead, I want to talk about your situation. You seem like a genuinely kind and thoughtful person…and your picture of your dad is incredibly sweet. It’s good you had a strong bond…I don’t want to criticize your dad too harshly, but it was incredibly wrong and inappropriate of him to call you daily and discuss his marital problems with you. It was incredibly wrong and inappropriate for him to lean on you for marriage advice and emotional support in this way…and I hope he was able to do so without destroying your relationship with your mom. He and your mom should have gone to counseling, consulted a pastor, close friend, sibling, parent, or other family member…anything other than leaning on their children for emotional support. I don’t blame him…he was clearly desperate and hurting and just reaching out wherever he could…again, we see parents do this to their children a lot, even though it’s not right or good.
In doing this, he created an unhealthy parent-child dynamic that was likely very frustrating and alienating for his new wife. I would imagine that after he created this emotionally enmeshed relationship with you, it was difficult to break it off. If your daily phone calls continued after his marriage…and it felt to his wife like he was getting his emotional needs met outside of their marriage…then of course she would feel resentful and angry. She probably felt on edge every time you called and talked…worried that he’d overshare with you about THEIR marriage. It sounds like, rather than tell her husband how this made her feel and put the responsibility on HIM to create a healthier dynamic with his children…she did the easier thing and just blamed the kids. And you did the easier thing and blamed the stepmom.
It’s really a very common story. I don’t blame your stepmom for not liking the situation you’ve described…no married woman would. It would have been better if she’d been able to try to talk to your dad about setting reasonable boundaries with his kids rather than trying to control your relationship herself or talk down about you guys…but, again, it’s a very, very difficult position she was put in.
Maddi,
Apologies, the comment below that I was trying to respond to never loaded the reply button, so I am replying to my previous one. The reason I said I encouraged him to get divorced wasn’t because I was calling the shots, it’s because he was calling me all the time complaining and it seemed like the right thing to say at the time. From the moment she married my dad she forbade my presence and was nasty to me from the moment we met. I eventually had to forbid her presence in order to maintain my sanity, which as I said is why I ended up not seeing my dad, and yes I’m married (since you asked). I told my father once that she could come to things if she were to stop verbally assaulting me and if she apologized for the conduct. This is a woman who went to a restaurant with us the one time we went as a three, and when dad got up to go to the bathroom she started SCREAMING at me for no good reason. I got tired of the abuse. When I told my father what was needed he laughed at me, and I said my life is too short for abuse and I’m not asking for anything that wouldn’t be granted to her. Just explaining, the proof I wasn’t against her though (if I needed to prove that) is that I invited her to my memorial for my father (I didn’t need to do that). She opted not to come, but we even had pictures of her with dad out there. I’d say some more, but I have to go to work. Have a great day and thank you. I appreciate where you are coming from and I welcome it. In my coaching practice I get a lot of adult kids that are bashed by step parents (usually step mothers) and so I see this all the time. I appreciate your sharing though and I thank you for the added dialogue.
My father had dementia. His second wife had just died. He then married his mistress of 13 + yrs. She was Chinese and from the beginning accused me of being racist. She also didn’t have a filter. First time she came to my home in MD. She said, “Why did you get so fat?” Ok nice to see you too,
It wasn’t long until she took my father’s cell phone, email away along with disconnecting their home phone.Basically she began isolating him. She instructed her family, realestate agent that was selling my father’s properties, accountant, office staff to NOT GIVE OUT HER CELL PHONE OR LOCATION. They were traveling and spending long periods of time in Hong Kong.
At one point my sister was very sick and we thought she was going to die after having open heart surgery. We couldn’t even call my father to tell him. My sister has been very sick and it would have been nice to just hear his voice. I had to start a go fund me while they were in Alaska, Dubai, Israel, Hong Kong etc.
THEY KEPT HIM ISOLATED ( away from his children his brother in sister, family, friends, his lawyer.. for 5 years.
My mistake.. I did see my father after 2 years. I was in town because my sister was in the hospital. I took a chance and stopped over to see if they were home. I rang the door bell. My stepmother opened the door and didn’t say anything. I said to my father, “dad I have been calling you, texting your cell, sending emails for 2 years. We have been incredibly worried about you.” My father asked his wife if this was true. She said, …don’t you remember your kids only want your money and you said you didn’t want to see them? Remember the horrible things your daughter said about me?”
He said ….No.
Then she kicks me out of her house.
My father missed his grandchildren’s Bar Mitzvahs, birthdays, graduations, getting into college and all the things adult children like to share with their parents. That’s very normal by the way. Adult children can still have a relationship with their parent. Especially when their mother already passed away.
Dad didn’t even have the choice to decide if he wanted to go. He never missed these kind of events.
We couldn’t even send an invitation.
3 years go by and I feel depressed, angry, hurt, concerned. Do I go to the police? Hire a detective or lawyer? I had a birdie that told me my dad looked good and he was happy. I didn’t want to take that away. I just wanted to talk to him or see him occasionally. I wanted to know he was alive and getting the right care. Any normal daughter would want that too.
2 years go by…
I got a call from a hospice nurse that said…”Your father is dying of cancer, he’s in hospice. You can’t talk to him and I can’t tell you where he is. Wait for a call for instructions on when and where you can see him” WTF!! Doesn’t that sound like a hostage call?
My father died. I never got a call with instructions. There were had so many things I wanted to tell my dad including apologizing for anything I may had done to hurt him or my step mother. A few years ago I did send a few text with horrible words. I apologized to her over and over and over. She couldn’t let it go. I actually was suffering with brain inflammation from a gas leak in our home. I did a lot of things during that time I’m not proud of. Before he vanished I told both of them that I was sorry. I was in constant pain in my head and very depressed. My father even said to his wife, “do you hear what she is saying? She was mentally not well”. My father had his share of mental breakdowns and understood. My step. would say these horrible things over and over again.
Prior to sending the my text
my step mother sent me text –
“Your father doesn’t love you any more”
“ Your father is done being your parent”
“ Leave us alone”
“You are racist and threatening me”
“ He’s done with you”
Stepmother was also telling my father with dementia that my sister stole money and was a liar. Actually, she told my father a lot of things. Things like “your children only want your money”. I have only asked my father for money one time as an adult. I loved my dad and wanted him to be happy. I never had a problem with my dad getting married. I really loved her daughter. She was sweet, kind and talented. I really enjoyed being with her and was actually excited to have a younger sister. I imagined us one big happy big family. Unfortunately, I got left behind and they had lots of family holidays, trips, memories.
One of the last thing my father said to me is “it’s important to do things as a family and make good memories”
I wanted my dad to have a life, travel and do what ever he wanted. He worked hard and deserved it. Unfortunately he chose a woman that was threatened by his children .
My father at one point went to therapy with me when I was a teenager. He was all about communication. Relationships take work at all ages.
My stepmother sold all my father’s assets. Homes, cars, and every little thing he loved. She emptied the house including a lifetime of family photos.
That kills me.
My father was like Sanford & son. His joy was shopping at flea markets and garage sales. He loves finding treasures. His eye surgery would light up when he shared how he purchased king size sheets for $5.00. He didn’t even have a king size bed.
My father’s home was filled with artwork. Not on the walls. Artwork piled up on the floor, on tables in every room. Like an art hoarder. Dad would often buy art supplies for me and bring them as gifts when he visited. I’m an artist and stopped painting when my kids were born. I wanted more then anything to tell my dad I was painting and now selling my work.
Each time I sold a piece I wanted to pick up the phone and tell my dad.
Regardless of the past I feel bad for my step mother and her kids. They got the dad they always wanted and I’m sure there hurting right now. Now they know how I have felt everyday for 5 years. I’m not sure how anyone could be so cruel. People have words. They make up and go on. They don’t kidnap, isolate and brainwash, trash memories.
Doesn’t this sound like the 65 year old man with the daughters.
#stepmother #karmaisabitch
Rachel, I cannot even begin to properly comment on this story. Please feel free to reach out to me if you ever need to talk.
Anonymous, the emotional undertone of the writer’s letter does not sound entitled at all. Children have a biological and hard-wired (forever) bond of attachment to their parent. Their plea for evidence of continued attachment (especially in the face of divorce and couplehood with a partner who is not invested in the relationship the same way as the biological parent) is often misunderstood as ‘entitlement’. Disrupted attachments/connections create insecurity. Most step children and children of divorce have learned the lessons of their parent’s adult rights to happiness and fulfilment on their parent’s terms much earlier than children of first families. Many of their needs for belonging are stuffed away not to upset their parent. What they experience is insecure attachment. The step mother may not have the emotional attunement and empathy to understand this.
My father is over 80 now and I’m sure the same will happen to me. I was not told about the remarriage but of course her daughter was there. It’s hurts to be totally replaced and throw away. I have a great family of my own now and am grateful to not be around my hateful stepmother.
I will be going through the same thing whenever my father passes.
My stepmother implied she wished I would die.
My father was recently in the ER and when she found me in the room she told me I needed to go because her son was there to see my dad. She wasn’t nice.
Seeing your letter, unfortunately, lets me know I’m not alone. It’s all very sad. So sorry for your trouble. Even though your post is old it is still relevant.
Any woman should think TWICE before becoming involved with a man who is widowed or divorced or comes with children, whether small or adult. If a woman is foolish enough to believe the man she cares about when he tells her that “they will love you, it will be fine” the children will NOT. They will resent YOU, as a tremendous intrusion from the getgo. Stepmothers cause tremendous pain to any relationship and are the most HATED species on the face of this earth. I know, because my sister and myself had to endure over thirteen years of pain when our widowed father remarried and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. So men who are widowers, do your family a favor and do NOT remarry. Date yes, socialize yes, but don’t bring a stranger into your family and cause your children hurt. It NEVER works out and could cost you your relationship with your children. And women out there, do NOT marry into a situation where a man already has children. It only hurts the children and you will be setting yourself up for pure hatred from them, as they WILL hate you.
Why should men who are widowers do their spoiled, selfish kids a “favor” and deny themselves married love and companionship in their old age? What kind of request is that to make of your dad, who you claim to love? Or do you only love him as a source of support and attention and resources for yourself…and not as the full human that he is?
What is he supposed to do? Remain alone for the rest of his life to make you happy? How absurdly selfish of you. Would you choose not to marry the person you loved if your dad said it would cause him hurt? I doubt it. So why do you expect it of him?
Excuse me, you seem to talk a lot from your own experience so I’m not going to judge, but do you have kids? Are you a good loving mother? You talk a lot about a wife’s place in a man’s life, but you don’t seem to ever acknowledge the kid’s place. The kid should be as important as the wife, only in different ways. You give him sex, you know his sorrows and you share responsabilities with him. His kids, however, were raised by him. When you raise someone, there is a connection that no one can mess up. You need to understand that “in grates” and “spoiled princesses” are made from their parents and envoirment. It’s basic infant psychology, they are what they were raised to be, so please stop blaming them for everything. Any kid would want alone time with their father to talk about personal things and problems, and the reason they don’t want you there is not because they dislike you, but because a stepmother should be a friend to them, or like an aunt figure almost. So they won’t have the same intimacy with you as they do with their father, mother and siblings. That’s not supposed to make you feel excluded, if they’re not you kids. They n probably just don’t feel as comfortable being vulnerable around you as they do with the person that Raised them.
Please do remember that not every step kid is bad, and that most stepmothers are as jealous of their step kids as the step kids are jealous of them. This is a biological fact. Sadly kids want their mom and dad to be in love, because that’s what society makes you desire since a very young age. And stepmothers want their husband’s whole attention and free time for themselves like any person who’s in love would. That’s normal, that’s life, truth is the only way for it to work and for everyone to be happy, is if everyone makes a sacrifice. You sacrifice two dinners a week for him to be alone with his children, and they sacrifice the rest of the week for you to go out with your husband while they do their own stuff. And your husband should sacrifice his sexual and romantic needs for one or two nights a week to be there for their kids, and to let their kids be there for him too. If the stepmother is always present, then there’s no time for any family bonding. This destroys the previous family (kids and dad). When a parent gets remarried that’s something he does for himself and to meet his own needs and happiness, but a GOOD parent’s job is to be there for his children when they need him (or at least that’s my view on me and mine.). When the parent gets remarried a new family is born (you, dad, kids) and that should be a good thing! But that doesn’t give anyone the right to destroy the previous family they had. It’s not fair. There should be two families now, the previous one that existed whether people want to forget it or not, and a new one. And everyone should cooperate to make them both work. And when one is destroyed, it’s because someone is acting selfishly. Being selfish is a natural thing to us humans, but we cant judge someone for being mad when someone else had an unfair action towards them. Selfishness isnt fair. So it’s not about being ingrates or spoiled, it’s about being hurt and frustrated that the life and family society portrays are healthy for a whole life, becomes destroyed in front of their eyes.
Mu, that is beautifully put, so much pain could be avoided if things could be as you describe
Maddi, you have issues, serious ones. You sound like a really abominable individual.
My Father had an affair with a co worker when I was very young. He divorced my mother, then married my step mother. Our relationship became almost non existent after he fathered two boys with his new wife. My Father passed away last Sunday, was cremated on Monday with a private family memorial, along with no mention of his older children in the obituary. My brother and me we not notified of his death until Tuesday from my step mothers daughter from previous marriage. My stepmother gave the reason that his older children were estranged from his life.
I don’t even know how to respond to her, I am in shock and devastated.
That’s horrible! How can you reconcile this in your life? I had similar situation where my father was in hospice and my stepmother didn’t even tell me until an hour before he died! We were out of town and tried to rush to see him one last time, but it was too late and he passed away before we could get there. Then, stepmother lied about the burial…she kept cancelling it and rescheduling it and then I found out through another family member that she had actually held the burial and didn’t tell me. it’s been a year and a half and I still sob about it. I don’t think I will ever get over it. Have you had therapy to deal with this? I am considering it.
Hi Jennifer, I have not sought therapy to deal with this for a lot of reasons, but it may be helpful to others. I don’t think there is a way to reconcile these types of experiences. I just try to keep to myself and realize that one day she will be dead, and when she is dead I can exhume my father’s ashes and do with them what my brother and I wish. How awful for you, I am sorry that you have to endure such indignity. The comments on this post have been amazing to me, I was just shocked at some of the venom at me from people who haven’t lived this experience and likely never will. Try to remember that your father is gone, and you can’t give this woman power in your life. The only way to remove the power she is exercising in your life is to sever the connection. My father’s grave doesn’t even mention he had children, a friend of mine sent me a picture of it. It’s crazy to me what she did, but I firmly believe that karma will come back onto each of us, myself included. I try to put kindness out into the world because I want good things for myself, and I think that’s the best way to bring kindness out in others. My father is gone, and as a previous comment said,
“Although I understand the pain and issues in this letter?
The daughter must ask herself this:Why did her FATHER not have pre-arrangements,in place,to prevent these issues.He was a Father with children.It was his responsibility to make sure his own wishes and those of his children would be followed upon his death.
I would never do these things to a family.And I am a step of three adult daughters who I’ve met only three times,one only twice.From the meeting of just one-I was accused of and verbally given grief I was out for behaviors written about in this letter.I’m not and have encouraged my husband to make arrangements according to his wishes and those of his children.He has not done so.
I doubt our marriage will be a factor upon his passing(bc I doubt we’ll be married at that time).I understand the pain and sympathize.However,as a parent he had a responsibility.He also had a responsibility as a husband.I’m sorry for your loss and the actions of your step-mother.But she wasn’t your parent.Your Father was.”
That’s how I reconcile this in my life, as best I can. My father should have taken better care to prevent these issues, as this comment’s writer pointed out. It’s very true, Jennifer, peace and blessings to you as you are struggling with this experience. Thank you for validating for me, the need to write this letter to others and do not let the sins of your father control your life today. Honor your father by returning the sins to his feet, where they belong and move forward without this witch in your life. That’s the best advice I can give you.
Thank you for summing it up.
Although I understand the pain and issues in this letter?
The daughter must ask herself this:Why did her FATHER not have pre-arrangements,in place,to prevent these issues.He was a Father with children.It was his responsibility to make sure his own wishes and those of his children would be followed upon his death.
I would never do these things to a family.And I am a step of three adult daughters who I’ve met only three times,one only twice.From the meeting of just one-I was accused of and verbally given grief I was out for behaviors written about in this letter.I’m not and have encouraged my husband to make arrangements according to his wishes and those of his children.He has not done so.
I doubt our marriage will be a factor upon his passing(bc I doubt we’ll be married at that time).I understand the pain and sympathize.However,as a parent he had a responsibility.He also had a responsibility as a husband.I’m sorry for your loss and the actions of your step-mother.But she wasn’t your parent.Your Father was.
That’s a fair point and I agree with you entirely. Maybe I should do another letter but to dad about that? I am not sure we’ll ever have any answers on that question. Maybe he did make arrangements and she couldn’t find them or ignored them. I don’t really know. I assume he did not make arrangements because I can’t imagine that these events would have unfolded the way they did if arrangements had been made. Thanks for your comment.
Little pathetic . I m sorry
You’re the one who’s pathetic, coming on here to trash someone who’s in pain.
I am so sorry for your loss honey. All of the above is terrible!
I could only wish that my hubby’s daughters treated me like you treated your SM. However, I am on the other side of the fence,…reaching out, trying to be “family” and being rejected at every turn. I was told by SD’s to refer to them as “his daughters” when I introduce them. I was told I would not be called Grandma when my GD was born as that was reserved for the real grandmothers, but had to pick another name. I am excluded from picture moments of my GD via text, and only hear from my SD’s when they want $$ or me to do something for them like babysit.
I have no biological children of my own, but am extremely close to my friends kids, new nieces, nephews, cousins, etc… all seem to get a long with me fine…just not his daughters.I might add that they have been divorced for over 30 years…
It’s heartbreaking to extend yourself, and not be appreciated. I know for a fact that God watches over us…and that karma is real. Keep being the sweet, beautiful person you are. God made you and loves you that way.
Sure wish I had a choice on WHO I could have for a step daughter….as I would truly pick YOU! XXX
Dear NMO, your comment has been on my mind and paining me since it came through. First let me say, thank you for your condolences and for your kind words. Unfortunately, your experience is not uncommon, especially if the daughters were already adults when you came on the scene and there’s no excuse I can make, but there are lots of reasons for their behavior. I would recommend you visit my friend, Claudette’s website to see if she has any tips there or if coaching with her would be of assistance to you and the family. She is “the stepmom coach” https://www.stepmomcoach.com/ and I think she will treat you with a lot of compassion. Please feel free to comment anytime and let me know if I can assist you further.
Rebecca
Dear NMO,
Can I just say thank you? When I married someone with 5 children after their real mom ran away with another man I almost killed myself trying to make a family, thinking of how much pain they were in. I love children and wanted to be a comfort but was met with suspicion, accusations and felt as though I was despised even after years of trying, just for not being the real mother. The Real Mom rolls in once in a while and most of the kids fall all over her.
I finally had to stop trying so hard because I was depressed for the first time in my life. I backed off. I just wanted to be their friend and didn’t want to come between them and their Dad. It’s been 8 years and if I had to do it over agin I don’t know if I would. I am close to 2 of my stepkids, thankfully. And I love my husband dearly. But every holiday it is a struggle. Because the real mom is states away and not around for holidays it was left to me – cooking for his 25 person family and my own parents not welcome – the older stepkids would turn their faces away if they came to let them know they were not welcome. We would ask the kids to come to my friendly and loving families which the youngest would come to, but the others refused. So that meant I either had to never see my own folks again for a holiday or take turns and leave the older ones who claimed my family wasn’t blood, who acted like this was a betrayal of their father even though we wanted them with us, but they would go to a non blood friends house. Impossible.
I feel bad for the kids, I’m sure their pain is awful, and the break up of their parents excruciating and I try to remember that and act with kindness. I just wanted to have a family and love, and be loved. But I think that no matter what stepmothers do for the most part stepkids will resist them, even if all they want is to be part of the family. Just because there are truly awful stepmoms it doesn’t mean they all are. And there are some stepchildren who cause some of the problems if we are objective and fair. I wish I never watched the Brady Bunch or Sound of Music. I thought that would be the way it was foolishly.
And I’m sorry for your loss Rebecca. I will try to be communicative to my stepdaughters, and I will still try to love them, even if they are cold to me. I’m sure your Dad loves you dearly. I hope you will feel better in time.
Trudy, thank you and like NMO, I am sorry to read of your struggles. It is never easy and I would also recommend the stepmom coach idea to you. If the step kids were already adults, that makes things more complicated, contrary to popular belief. I don’t know them so I cannot comment much, but I would suggest as you state just continue to be present and let them know you understand it is painful for them etc. Sometimes things change with time, and I believe kindness gets more kindness in turn. Good luck to you.
Wow. Are you really this angry?
Wow. Are you really a mom? Get lost.
I can relate.
Damn im 14 and my stepmother is so rude everyone in the famliy see’s it! she even calls me c***k (im Japanese) (she’s Puerto Rican)
and im afriad to tell my dad what do i do
Hi Bryan, what you are talking about sounds like verbal and perhaps emotional abuse. I would suggest reaching out to a school counselor or another trusted adult in your life that can help you approach your dad about this issue. It can be very difficult to address step-parent behavior. Even as an adult woman when I confronted my father about his wife’s behavior he did not believe me, but my father’s inability to believe me as an adult did not have the same influence on my life that it would have had if I were a child living with them. Document what she is doing, so if you do go through any court proceedings in the future you can produce your log of her behavior. I am sorry to hear of your trouble and wish there was more I could do.
I know how you feel. My Dad isn’t deceased, but the evil shit that she and her ratchet children have done to me pretty much killed my relationship with my father. All I wanted was for him to acknowledge the bs and put his foot down. He always took her side. So I pretty much said my goodbyes to my father in my heart before he dies. I expect my step monster to do the same thing yours did when your daddy died. I want to hate her but that b**** isn’t taking me to hell with her. I do hope Karma rips through her life with a tsunami bad luck and misfortune for every thing she’s done.
Nique, I am sorry to read of your painful experience. I can assure you however, that karma always comes back to people, including ourselves so I will caution you about wishing her bad things (you don’t want bad things coming back to you from that wish). I always say “May God bless [person’s name] and keep them far away from me!” You don’t have to be religious about it, if you don’t believe in God, but I wish everyone a long life, well lived, just some people I wish far away from me. It’s good you don’t hate her, don’t let people like this rent space in your heart, mind, or soul. Life is too short to be abused by anyone. How unfortunate for our fathers that they missed the boat on these issues. I too, said good bye to my father in my heart years before he died, which helped me tremendously to be able to cope with the awful things that were done to me when he did die. Blessings to you.
I am so impressed by your article you show the truth, the majority of Stepmothers are selfish cruel people who put on the facade “I love my stepkids like my own”. In the end they show their true colors.
Stepmother destroy families.
Sounds just like my uncles wife after he died, this stepmother won’t give the son from a previous marriage anything and took everything for her son.
We all tried to warn him that his wife was evil but he died and didn’t get to see it. Now his 18 year old son is homeless and has no money for college.
That’s a horrible story. I’m so sorry that happened to your family. I am hoping step mothers will read my letter and think before marrying someone with children or being cruel to said children, but you see some of the cruel comments that have been made to me for sharing. I hope your family can find a way to support your cousin.
I know very, very few moms who claim to “love their stepkids like their own” and the few who do say so really do mean it. Society puts that expectation on us (unfairly) but it’s usually not possible.
I care for my stepkids, but I certainly don’t love them like my own. However, out of love for my husband, I DID pay their child support for several years while my husband was starting his business and things were slow…kept a roof over their heads and clothes on their backs and food in their bellies.
The truth is…if you care to look at the statistics (because the stepfamily dynamic has been studied extensively…including the role that stepmoms play in their stepkids’ lives) that the majority of stepmoms GIVE far more than they take in the relationship (both in terms of giving time to someone else’s kids and giving financially…and other resources). They are the most vulnerable member of the family unit…the least protected. The most likely to be ostracized and mistreated. And in the midst of all this poor treatment by their stepkids, they still tend to use significant personal resources to make the lives of their stepkids better and more stable.
So, no. You’re simply wrong that the majority of stepmothers are selfish cruel people. If by ‘in the end they show their true colors’ you mean that they expect to inherit the JOINT assets they built up with their husbands just like a first wife would…then guilty as charged I suppose. My husband came into my life with over 100K of debt in the form of child support after having already divided his marital assets and giving almost everything to his first wife. Together, we’ve spent TONS of money on these kids over the last 10 years in addition to the child support. I didn’t have to do any of that…but I did it because I love my husband and, in a way, I love my stepkids, too.
So, yes…if he passes before me I will expect to continue to live in the home that I helped pay for and maintain for our entire married life…and enjoy the money that we earned and saved together. It’s OURS…not HIS. And it’s not the kids’ ‘inheritance’ either. Frankly, I’ve put far more money into our home, retirement accounts, and joint assets than he has at this point…because so much of his pay was going to his ex and his kids.
Perhaps this is what happened with your uncle’s wife. Perhaps the money is actually hers (I mean, legally it is hers because she was his wife and therefore is legally entitled to inherit everything…but maybe it was also EARNED and saved by her while your uncle sent most of his paycheck to his ex.)
This is part of the problem. Kids don’t usually have intimate knowledge of their parents’ finances…so they tend to think it’s all Daddy’s stuff. I know my stepkids call OUR house “Dad’s” and I’m sure they’d be shocked to see the mortgage and utility payments…and the name on 3/4ths of the checks. So then they think: “Hey! SHE STOLE ‘my inheritance’ the EVIL SHREW!” When all the stepmom really did was earn and save her own money and then expect to continue living on it after her husband died…like married partners do…
Anyway. If you are correct, I am sorry for your cousin. But why is he homeless? Does he not have a mom? Or did his mom kick him out once the child support checks stopped?
Maddi- FINALLY! Someone who can relate to me and I can only echo everything you said, 100000%.
As for my nightmare situation – Back story; my husband and I were first loves in junior high and high school. Our’s was a deep love and a rare one for our ages. Sadly, I had to move away in highschool and broke up with him to spare both our hearts. The internet and home computers basically didn’t exist at that time. We tried finding each other on and off for years and finally reunited in 2014 and married in 2016.
Over the 20+ years we weren’t together, I was married and had kids. He was never married, didn’t date much, relatively speaking, although he was in a 1.5 year relationship and had a son with her who was grown by the time I entered the picture. He basically raised him as a single dad as the mother was/is a drug addict and wasn’t fit to raise him. This isn’t putting her down but are facts.
My husband kept telling me before I even met my stepson, that he really needed a good woman as a mother figure as his bio mother failed him in every way possible. I was up for it and more than willing to accept him as my own. I tried to take it slowly as not to overstep boundaries. Literally from day one, he didn’t let me and I was made to feel like nothing more than an intruder. Nothing I cooked was ever good enough, my parenting according to his expert opinion, was all wrong, I even got death threats and threats of his lovely mother “kicking my ass” because my phone was turned off for the night one night and he was trying to reach his father for a ride and there was, like I said, no answer because I turned my phone off for the night … I could go on…He was absolutely horrid to my children as well, despite them trying to foster a relationship with him which was sad as I have a son who is his age.
So, yeah…. I’m beyond sick of the bias against stepmothers. I’m sorry for the pain and loss this blogger has experienced but I too can only agree that this whole idea of stepkids being these doe eyed innocents and stepmother being these horrifying monsters is vile.
We haven’t gotten anything legal binding, as of yet, but my husband and I agreed that if he proceeds me in death, the house will go to me until I die and then it will go to his son. I only hope and pray that I die first because I known that my lovely stepson will try to fight that one all the way.
In closing, I can only echo what others have said about these adult kids expecting to keep daddy forever and not move on. It wasn’t enough that the man gave up his entire dating life for 18+ years to raise him. It’s truly disgusting.
I can relate to you Life – I also had a Step – in my life. I appreciate your honesty – I am in the process of FINALLY working through these feelings of hate by sharing my feelings openingly. I have ALLOT of anger and resentments that I have been holding on to and I will not give her the satisfaction of consuming my life/head anymore. The day of the funeral was the last time – words – look – sharing any space with her. Letting go of resentments…….that is why my therapy sessions are on overtime. I wish all well that can relate – Peace and we are worth more then we stuff ourselves with.
After reading this….it is what it is.
Hi Janelle, I am sorry for your pain and it is interesting how many people this letter has touched. Some, I am sure were sent for the purpose of attacking me, but others are sincerely touched, like you. I hope you can find away to break free of it all soon. Thank you for your comment, and it is true we are worth more.
Hi there, I can understand your situation and it is heart breaking. I can not understand why sometimes step parents are unkind. From my experience I was made to believe that my step mother disliked me as she was jealous of my mum and also that I reminded her of my mum.
My dad and step mum got together when I was a very little girl and I always felt she was very cold to me and she called my mum a witch etc.
As an adult my relationship has been quiet with my dad and I don’t hear much from him unless i visit or call him. His wife generally says negative things to me about my abilities when I see her. But I try my best to be kind to her and send her cards for birthday etc. I also realise my dad loves her so dearly and he’d do anything for her, so maybe he doesn’t see the reality of her unkindness to me. I am not really able to talk with my dad about these things because I don’t think it would help, so I let it be and when these things come to mind I feel incredibly sad and feel like I missed out a lot of my relationship with my dad since I was little.
What utter, raging bs. An over-entitled brat suffering from mini-wife syndrome. I’m sure if we talked to the stepmother, we would get an entirely different picture of what occurred. SMH
This cracks me up. The daughter writing this clearly has so much resentment and emotions about her parents divorce when she was a child that clearly she never accepted her step mother and blames her for way more than she should. Grown (adult) women do not try to disrespect their husbands memory for the sake of hurting a entity that is no longer a relation in her life. She simply does what’s needed, grieves, and moves forward for all the wrong that she was done by the step daughter. The step daughter says she never did anything wrong…then why on earth would the father ask his daughter to “get along” with the step mom. Lol. This writer clearly stated that the step mom wasn’t wanted around by the daughter. Clearly stated some nonsense about a Cinderella story and then starts to babble about how she is so wishing she had a perfect step mom. I think I can speak for most step moms out there when I say get over yourself little girl you are a grown woman, and stop blaming your pms symptoms on your step mom.
I have to say I hate the term “mini-wife syndrome” – it is just wrong on so many levels. It is a disrespectful term to both the wife and daughter. I keep waiting for the like term for stepsons, but have yet to read one. I wonder why that is. If a man has a “mini-wife”, I just see a passive man that keeps his man card in whatever female’s wallet that is available – whether it is a wife or daughter. The man in that situation is to blame not the stepmother or the daughter. It creates a horrible dynamic from day one and usually the man does nothing to correct it. Why would he? His needs are met – everyone else can just fight it out. I agree with Maddi’s comment above, it is a situation where a parent creates a dysfunctional relationship with the child to meet their own needs at the time and it is selfish. I think a better term is “weak man syndrome”.
My next favorite term is “disengagement”. I think if you have young kids in the home it is a poor choice. Kids aren’t dumb. They can tell you have checked out and I think it inflicts pain on them when the problem is parental in nature. With adult stepkids, sometimes it may be what the stepmom has to do for their own well being – each case is different. My problem with disengagement is when the disengagement creates a problem in the parent/child relationship. Be disengaged, or as my son says – you do you and I’ll do me – but just because you are disengaged doesn’t mean your spouse has to be nor should you expect it. I also think it works both ways and sometimes adult stepkids disengage for their own well being. I’m a stepmom but I am not buying the line that all stepmom’s are awesome, loving and did nothing to contribute to the fractured relationship. People are people, some are great and some are not so great.
It does break my heart when I read stories like Rebecca’s – her pain is real and it is sad. I remember the first year as a stepmom I went to the minister who married us for help. I was overwhelmed, pregnant and tired of all the endless problems. He told me that maybe it was my “job” to fix all the problems. I remember being furious and thinking he was clueless and of absolutely no help. Years later (I still think he was clueless) but he might have accidentally hit on something. Maybe my job was just not to make anything worse and maybe to contribute something positive. Truthfully, there were days that I did make things worse but there were also days that I made it better. Now that my stepson is an adult, I am so glad that I am a part of his life and that I played a role in raising a great guy.
Milo,
I have had, as you can see many commentators mention mini wife syndrome. When I looked up that term, I have to agree with you. I realize it is not easy to marry into a family, it wasn’t easy for me to marry into a family. I imagine it is harder to do so when there are children, especially adult children. For example, I was 28 when my parents divorced, that’s a different world than when your parents divorce at 8 and you grow up with a step parent. You are completely correct, my pain around this topic is very real. It is different today, given some distance and time, but it is still very real and makes me sad if I spend time thinking about it etc. That’s one of the reasons I wrote the letter, to create a space for others that have a similar experience, but also to bring change in step family dynamics, and to give step parents insight into the pain this has caused. I want to think that she just didn’t know, I even sent her the link to this post, but she continued the behavior (as I’m sad to say, I had assumed she would), and brings me to certain conclusions about her (right or wrong). I’m sure commentators have certain conclusions about me, I am sure that my letter and comments are full of contradictions, because the letter are things I’d like her to know and because the comments I’ve made are in response to people that felt moved to comment to me (and in the beginning I did respond to some of the nasty comments, because I am all for dialogue).
Truthfully, not all step parents are awesome and not all step parents are evil. This letter is not even about (or maybe to) all step mothers, this is a letter to a woman that I don’t even consider a step anything because she never took the time to know me. She was nasty to me from the beginning, and that was her choice. I tried to be nice to her in the beginning because she married my dad and I just wanted my dad to be happy in life. However, the more time went on, the more unbearable for me she became, and because of her behavior I needed to walk away. When I wrote this letter, I wrote it as an open letter because I thought others might also have similar experiences, and because I wanted step parents to see how their behavior can affect the adult. The letter is my experience and my truth, in this set of circumstances. I was able to put aside her wounds when my father passed away and invited her to the memorial I held. I didn’t hold the memorial out of mini wife or whatever syndrome people want to hang on my entitled princess butt… I held the memorial because my father was dead and I felt it was right to come back to where I grew up and have a memorial with friends and family that wanted to visit my family.
You make an interesting point regarding being in your stepson’s life and what a great guy you played a role in. I have often thought how sad for this woman I addressed my letter to, she had the opportunity to know me and learn about the great woman my father raised and be in the lives of my children (and soon to be grandchildren) and she squandered the opportunity. I don’t say that to say I am perfect, I’m not perfect, but I do say it as a matter of the reality. I think that is unfortunate, but I cannot control other people. Only myself, and I realize that people read this letter and think terrible things about me or that I am being one sided etc. The reality is, the letter is a reflection of my own experience and so it is in fact one sided by nature. I find it interesting that people comment about why would you expect this or that and that I thought I should own my father for his entire life etc. I think that I was very reasonable, as I said in wanting to be included and to say good bye. In my family, that’s how things were always done (on both sides of my family). However, I also recognize that people see the world (myself included) through their own lens, so people here view my letter through whatever lens they want to have. For example, I was trying to be nice when dad would call me lonely in saying just get divorced and move on to be happy, but multiple people said I was calling the shots in his love life. I don’t think I was doing that, I think I was responding with compassion and love for someone who was in a lot of pain at the time.
In any event, I will continue to post from the heart and I am amazed at how some of my older posts maintain relevance and conversations with people. I have a couple of ideas for new posts which will be coming out shortly. I’ve been very busy lately and haven’t been posting as much as I’d like. If you’re interested in becoming a blogger, Milo, you should consider it. I think it would be nice to see more step parent blogs. I don’t normally write about step parent issues, but after my father died, I felt the need to post this and that is an actual picture of my father holding my brother and myself in 1982.
Thank you for your continued thoughtful comments on this blog. I hope that a future post will move you to comments, though as I said normally I write about other issues. I do always try to do authentic and from the heart writing, because I think those are the best posts to read. How nice for your stepson that you were able to build a connection.
‘Mini wife syndrome’, is that why step moms accuse girls of having sexual relations with their father? I am still trying to reconcile this guilt and shame that I have lived with since first accused of seducing my father at age 12. At least now I have a better understanding of where the idea has come from. Maybe it is more common than I had imagined.
I have no idea what mini wife syndrome is, even after I looked it up, I’m still left confused. I can only assume this is a term used to discredit a relationship with a father that the step mother doesn’t want the father and daughter to have, perhaps out of jealousy that she did not produce the child herself. I can’t really give you my thoughts about this without being insulting and mean, and I’m trying to be nice. I am sorry you lived with that guilt, and I’m sorry that you had that experience. I hope that you are able to let it go.
Hi Rebecca, I came across your letter in an attempt to find answers to my own experience with my step mother after my dads death and it’s opened up a wound so wide! I can relate to your feelings so much. My relationship with my step mum was great, my own mum trusted her as a mother to us, but since my dads death she has cut me out of her life. In the early days I asked Her directly why? But go no answers and I still have no answers. The lasting feeling I am left with is that she never loved me at all, she just had to play along for the sake of her marriage. My dad also asked before his death to stay in touch with her, which has lead to a lot of one sided effort from me to do so, I have finally given up and haven’t seen or spoken to her in 4 years (my dad died 10 years ago when I was 24) But my anger and hurt often boil up and I go in search of answers again. I really feel for you, I read something which helped me ever so slightly- forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different. And I try and remind myself that this rejection isn’t about me, it is about her and her own coping and issues. I hope you find some resolution in your situation.
Hi Katy,
Thanks for your comment and I am sorry for your pain. Fortunately, dad’s estate has been dealt with and I no longer have to think about this particular person etc. I found your comment interesting and insightful however, and may use some of it for a future post. I have one in mind (unrelated to your comment, but I haven’t made the time to post it yet).
I story seem so much alike especially the “hatred” that both our stepmoms had on us. My stepmom was that exact way against me as the only daughter and my bother of course was treated better. She did not invite me to my dad’s birthday party’s are any kind of dinners at the restaurant. Only my brother was invited to those. It was like I was not good enough. My dad would tell me the same thing to get alone with her both after many years later I was able to tell my Father before he passed that I tried but it was his wife that hated me so much that she did not want to get alone with me. And now since his passing she has refuse on many occasion to let me and my brother or other family members to see my father’s Will. Which has lead every to believe he must have left something for me and my brother. It has been over a year since my Dad’s passing and I am going to find out if my Dad did in fact left both my brother and I anything or not.
Unfortunately, as you probably know that is not an uncommon story. I hope everything works out for you and I am sorry for your loss…all of it.
I am so sad to read these posts. First because I am sadly in a similar situation. I can’t even tell you how horrid my stepmother has been to my siblings and I and she neglected my father in his last year of life which resulted in his accelerated death.
Anyone who challenges and chastises this woman’s story is shallow and ignorant. MANY people have suffered in profoundly hurtful ways at the hand of their stepmothers. I cannot even bring myself to write what my father’s wife did to my family.
Rebecca, that you for sharing your story. Reading it made me feel less alone but I also feel deeply saddened at the fact that so much evil exists in the world.
Erica,
I am sorry for your pain and I am glad that my story gave you some comfort. Don’t worry about the negative commentators here, I have had haters my entire life and it isn’t going to change now. Additionally, I tried to respond to some, but it became overwhelming. The fact is, I don’t support acting low class on either side and this is my story. Every word is true to my experience, the same with my comments in response to others. People have always attacked me for telling the truth, but the truth still needs to be told. You are right, so many people are suffering and that is what I’ve discovered in my blogging. I hope that you can find some peace.
Rebecca I had come across your letter and this was the best thing that has ever happened to me. You can not believe what my father s wife has done to me and my brothers. This woman went to as far as having my father adopt an adult, change his Will and had us disowned all on his dying bed in the Hospital and 3 weeks before he died. What kind of law firm would agree to do this knowing that my father had parkinsons,renal failure,dementia,serve glaucoma,could not walk or talk and she even checked him out of the hospital and he died that next day at 3 am in the morning. She did not call us but had her friend call me and then said she did not have to even tell us until after her was buried. This Stepmother (same age as my brother) refused me the only daughter and son to speak at our fathers funeral and had the police literary attack us on the stage and had them escort us out of the funeral home. Due to this I had to have rotator cuff surgery, back and hip injections. We have contested the Will and have won to continue to trial by Jury in 4 months. This woman had so much hatred towards me and my brothers its a shame. Your story and words were literary almost a mirror to ours
If I only would of known he was that ill in his last 8 months( we live in different state and my husband has stage 4 lung cancer and has been in and out of the hospital and I have also had 3 major surgeries). should have known when the emails had stopped and we could not get in touch with him(they went on a lot of crusies) You know when you think you are texting someone and that someone is not who you think it is( she was texting me back on his phone) and on these texts said he could not hear well so I did rely on those and believed it was my father and not her. We sent our fathers greeting cards and we also received some from him( or was it The Stepmother sending or him and not giving him the cards) But I really can not tell you more since we will be going to trial ( sueing both adopted daughter and stepmother for undue influence and fraud) I can’t talk too much about this case as someones EYES might be reading this Blog.
Rebecca I asked my lawyer if I could read your Letter at the Trial to the Judge,to the Jury,to my Family and to my fathers Evil Widow(Stepmother) he said the request will most likely be honored, So if you don’t mind Please let me read your Letter “Dear Stepmother: An Adult Daughter’s Letter of Grief” for You so others can feel the Pain of all Stepchildren who are done wrong.and I will keep you posted
Forgot to add this Adopted girl had no blood relationship to either my father or his wife(my stepmother) this girl has a mother,father,brother and sister that she is living with some 6 hours away from where my father lived. So you know something is wrong with this picture and then she did not even change her last name to my fathers. She wanted to keep her name.
Hold the hell up here for a second. I have to chime in here. If you are the mans biological daughter/kid then you shouldn’t have been deprived to say good bye to the man. I don’t care if you spit in that woman’s corn flakes and she ate them. She had no right to take that from you. Now as far as you digging up his ashes and burry them where ever you want, you have no right. He made that decision when he married that woman. Morally she wrong but legally she right. Vengeance is mine said the Lord. We all gonna meet our maker. You think your Heavenly Father gonna like you hurting the people around you for all this anger you holding? Let it go! It’s all gonna be dust one day and so are you.
We have a stepmother in our family, she is actually my Husbands stepmother. She has over the years attacked me with her nasty comments and she has used me to put a wedge between my Husband and his Father, she has also pushed my brother in law out. The only reason she has done this is so when my father in law dies (he is 15yrs older than her) she will change his will and the 2 sons will get nothing. We welcomed her and she has turned on every body in my husbands family, she is nasty, evil and vindictive. I don’t wish her a happy life, she can have all the money but that won’t make her happy. Some people are just born evil.
There are two sides to every story. My step daughter has been hateful with me for two years. Her expectations of me were so high I could not live up to them. She hates me more than she loved her father. We are all human. I hope writing your letter made you feel better.
Hi I am going through something similar if you can help please let me know.
I am going through something similar and need help if you can help please let me know I desperately want my father back and my stepmom keeps him away from me. She has isolated him and he almost seems brainwashed by her.Thank you for your time .
Hello Violet, I am going to send you a personal reply to the email address listed, but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your painful experience.
As a stepmother who has loved her husband with all my heart, I find your letter annoying. I came into this relationship over 12 years ago when the kids were in their 20s. Having dealt with infertility for at least 10 years and not being able to have children, I was excited that I may finally have a family. I never wanted to be mom, heck I’ve never even used the word Stepmom around them. All I wanted was to be happy and have a normal relationship, I read this and feel as if all the harassment and hatred I continue to receive should be understood. I recently sent an email (didn’t want to call her on her vacation) to my step-daughter telling her how happy I was to see where we had come. I told her how much I enjoyed her company when she visited and how very much I loved her kids and her. I’ve told her many times how great of a mother I think she is and how much I respect her. Her family had just visited and I felt a distance starting to creep up. I didn’t understand my feelings so I ask her if she felt it too. If she felt tension and if she wanted to further our relationship to a place where we could talk to each other without going through her dad. A place where we could pick up the phone and say, “how are you?” She flipped out. Called her father and once again made him feel as if he had to choose on of us over the other. i asked her to tell me what she saw our relationship as if and when her dad passes and asked her to be as honest as she could. Her father would have never known from me if she told me she didn’t want a relationship with me. i now have been “unfriended” on FB (LOL) and blocked from any contact from her saying I was bringing up old issues that had been solved. I confided in her about my “wall” I wanted to tear down when it came to her kids. My fear was I would never see them once her father passed and having lost many children in my life, I didn’t think I could bear not seeing them. Well, my suspicions were validated. I just that goodness I found out now and can prepare. And no, unless she can act like an adult, she won’t be planning his funeral. That is stress I will not need at a time of dealing with my greatest loss.
Yes. Thank you for this perspective…it’s what I was saying above.
This letter screams inappropriate emotional enmeshment…which makes me think this poor stepmom had to put up with this same kind of intrusiveness throughout her marriage.
What child thinks she should get a greater say over funeral plans, final resting place, etc than the spouse?! What child thinks the spouse owes her a copy of the death certificate?! For what purpose? The death certificate is used to close accounts and handle other final affairs…all of which are the spouse’s to deal with.
The fact that the letter writer is already scheming to move her dad’s remains where she wants them after the stepmom dies? Sick and twisted.
This letter is definitely annoying and points to a controlling and manipulative dynamic between daughter and dad.
Sorry, daughters. Your dads aren’t yours to control…and it’s sad that you’re not emotionally healthy enough to realize that’s a bad dynamic.
(Oh. And for those objecting to the mini-wife term and saying we don’t have any term like that for sons and their moms…of course we do. And they’re equally pejorative. Mama’s Boy? Oedipus Complex?)
It’s normal for children to get a copy of the death certificate. The funeral homes gives 3-4 copies to the family. You must not have kids or had a bad childhood.
It’s impossible to change someone’s will after they’re dead. If your FIL leaves something to his sons in his will then they’ll get it when he dies. If he doesn’t and chooses to leave it all to his wife (which is what many men understandably choose to do) then they won’t.
Wish people would quit blaming stepmoms for their dad’s decisions.
A will can be contested and changed after the death of a person. And, any woman who would allow her husband to cut his children out of the will in favor of her, doesn’t have much character. And, your also wrong about most men leaving it all to the second or third wife. Most men provide for their children first and then a second or third wife.
Agree!
Nope. Not according to statistics. Most spouses leave their assets to their spouse, whether first or second…which is as it should be considering that a wife (whether first or second) is legally the next of kin.
This is also as it should be because children aren’t “owed” an inheritance…not legally or morally. However, it is a spouse’s legal and moral obligation to make sure that their surviving spouse is cared for in his/her old age. We understand this without question in first marriages…but in second marriages for some reason we expect the wife to be treated like an afterthought.
I’m a second wife and have been married to my husband for 10 years now. He was married to his first wife for 12 years. Assuming my husband and I both reach old age, I’ll have been married to him for 3-4X longer than his first wife.
He already divided his marital assets with his first wife when they divorced. She got to keep the house and half his retirement, he got 90% of the debt and got to pay 6-figures in child support over the course of 8 years. His children will inherit from their mother…and many of those assets she has were paid for by him (and me).
Meanwhile, he and I have built up a business together and built a life together. We have mirror wills…we each leave everything to the other if we pass away first. He insisted on this. I agreed…not because I have “poor character” as you seem to think but because I have built up these assets with my husband (aka they are mine…not the kids. The kids did nothing to earn any of this. They were, in fact, a major expense in our joint finances). I deserve to keep the things I’ve earned and inherit like the life partner and spouse that I am.
Seriously. Why on earth would you think kids should inherit first over a marriage partnership…it makes no sense. The kids didn’t pour their lives into this home and these assets. They didn’t support their dad mentally and emotionally while he worked…or literally build a business with him. I did all that…while also helping pay their child support and other necessities when times were tight in the early years of the business and bringing in my own income from a part-time job, too.
I think any man who would “provide for” his kids in his will (kids who are likely still of working age) at the expense of his likely elderly spouse is the one who lacks character.
What about the third wife that was the mistress and married the man almost right after. Then sold all her properties and assets. Do you have kids or dogs?
Oh…and PS. When I said it’s impossible to change a will after someone dies…of course I know that wills can be contested. But it’s impossible to arbitrarily change it just because you feel like it…it’s a very long and expensive process. My comment to the poster stands. If her husband’s dad leaves his son something in the will, the son will get it. The stepmom can’t just change it after her husband dies.
Interestingly, I’ve never seen a single story of a second wife challenging a will or expecting the will to change in her favor after her husband passes…most likely because married couples discuss these things together and come to an agreement and they both know the other’s wishes.
But there are hundreds of stories of entitled children challenging wills to try to keep stepmom from getting anything at all. Thankfully, these are starting to lose in court as judges are seeing through these mean and petty actions.
It is a well written article. My wife is an adult child of divorce. Both her father and her stepmother don’t want anything to do with her. I am her husband and a divorcee. I have never seen a parent act as poorly as her father and stepmother. I personally can’t hate my children, so I don’t understand. I hope and pray as her parents time here shortens that some light goes on and kindness prevails. I have strong feelings that it won’t but I can hope.
Dear Rebecca,
I read your post and it made me cry. I can relate to it in many ways. No one should judge you because only you and your family truly understand the family dynamics.
My father was married 9 times. When he was married to my Mom, let’s just say it was a “domestic violence situation”. They divorced when I was in 5th grade. I grew up with the sense that it was just us 3, my Mom, my sister and I. Dad could never relate to women. He seemed to care for my cousins and step-brother more than us girls. My sister and I always worked hard to babysit and work starting when my parents got divorced if we needed anything. My Mom worked 2 and 3 jobs to try and pay the bills and couldn’t afford school clothes and things for us after the divorce. We went into poverty after the divorce and he made Mom’s life hell.
Long story short, Dad died 6/5/19 after less than a month in the hospital, with a surprise diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer. We were there for his last month of life. Our heads filled with all kinds of memories and sadness as we watched him die. Now, we find out that before he married his last wife a 2nd time in 2001, he left everything to her. But, if she were to die before him then it all would have been spilt 50/50 between my sister & I. We got nothing. My Mom got nothing. My step-mom doesn’t even know we have seen the will. I had my own living trust written a few years ago. In it, I left him $10,000 because I didn’t want him to feel left out upon my death.
I am sad. I feel un-loved. I don’t know who to talk to about all this ‘stuff’. I’m embarrassed. As Mom is aging, it is up to me to take care of her. She has hearing loss in 1 ear and a bad hip. I believe it is a result of the physical abuse she suffered at his drunken hands. My sister is not financially successful. So, I feel left to take care of them myself.
Further, if I know my “Dollar-Sign in the eyeballs step-mom,” she will leave it all to her son & his kids upon her death. All I can think of is, “Wow, nothing – it ALL goes to her!” I understand that it is his “stuff” and he can do with it as he wishes, but again “Wow”. I am trying to process his death and now this. It all seems un-real. All I can think of now is that I don’t want anything more to do with her and her son.
Dear Sad Daughter,
Thank you for your note and I am sorry for your pain. I don’t worry about the people judging me, not only because of what you say regarding family dynamics, but also because it is true people can leave their money and possessions to whomever and it doesn’t need to be left to the wife, or even the family. This is something that mature people should accept, but I don’t think that changes the pain we experience as children in these circumstances. Death can be a freeing time, because as you said you don’t want anything to do with these people, and now there will be nothing requiring you to do so. Blessings to you on this journey.
After listening to all of the whining here, my only comment is, for God’s sake, will you please grow up???? Your parents’ marriage did not succeed, for whatever reason. I am 100% tired of hearing about all the stepmothers who did this, or did that, when, in reality, way down deep in your hearts, you know you never wanted your father’s remarriage to succeed, anyway! After spending years trying to be nice to adult stepchildren who hate their guts, I’m surprised at anything you go of your father’s after he died. The bottom line? You made your step-mother and your poor father miserable! What the heck did you expect would happen? Jeeeez
WOW sure are quite a few vicious gold diggers commenting here. You can try to sugarcoat it however you want but the bottom line is the majority of the stepmoms here are in these remarriages for one reason and one reason only: money. If they had what it takes to succeed in a career and make a life for themselves on their own then you wouldn’t need to latch on to a heartbroken grieving man with the hopes of outliving him so you can get his estates which is almost guaranteed in this country as women outlive men by almost a decade these days, so you all can cut the crap it’s obvious why the majority of you are getting into these relationships and it’s NOT out of love and sympathy for the poor man you’re looking to milk dry until he passes so you have a nice nest egg to fall back on in your old pitiful useless senior days. You all make me sick. I have never seen such disgusting gold digging entitled witch attitudes masquerading as kind souls rescuing lonely men who are at their most vulnerable after a divorce. It’s shit like this that really makes me wish I had a device that allowed me to reach through the computer monitor and slap the shit out of some of you gold digging cunts. Christ have mercy on me if I ever run into one of you skanks offscreen I will gladly smack a ho
I’m glad I found this. It puts me more at ease about not wanting a relationship with my stepmother after my father’s death. Family members don’t understand why I feel the way I do. My sisters don’t understand because I never told them everything. How she tried to come between them and me and the way she talked about them. I was the closest to my dad and I guess she felt jealous. Plus she wanted to be close to me but I found it hard to be close to someone who was nosing in on my father while my mother was dying. Then, walked into my childhood home and picked out what she wanted to take back to her home 600 miles away when she and my dad got married. But the one that stung the most was the fact that she would not follow my father’s wishes and bring him home to die. Nor would she let me talk to him about it on the phone while he was in a nursing home because of a stroke. I had to contact a man I barely knew to go at night and physically hand the phone to my dad to make sure that’s what he wanted and to tell him he needed to tell her so.
Being Christian my husband says I need to forgive. I have. That is her deal. Something she has to live with. I don’t want a relationship with someone like that.
We will be within 50 miles of her home and my husband says I should go see her. I don’t want to and I don’t want to be made to feel guilty.
I welcomed her into our home. Showed her respect and never once made my kids feel uncomfortable about wanting a relationship with her. They don’t, but she sends their kids birthday cards and money every year.
I feel like I have done what was expected of me as a daughter to my dad. But he’s gone.
She has three kids of her own who can look after her, so she’s not alone.
I can and did wash my hands of her twelve years ago without guilt.
Bless you 🌺 it’s done and it s hard xx
You came into a family that you weren’t wanted🧐 That tells me you had it out for her from the beginning whether it was your feelings or the families feelings. Right there that tells me you never even probably gave her a chance and had made up your mind about her before you even met her.
Good luck to you!
I keep reading the comments after I responded nearly a year ago. It is sad to me. There is no situation that is black or white. It breaks my heart that a child of any age is left to question their parents love or their place in that parent’s heart. It is also amazing to me how many posters want to justify these kind of actions or project blame upon the author.
Milo, I agree with you. I also find it kind of funny how many people want to say this is so one sided. Of course it is, it always was meant to be this is my letter and experience. It wasn’t meant to be a two sided news report. I find it funny how many people want to blame me and judge my feelings. Contrary to popular belief, I welcomed this woman into my home and whereas I may not be perfect, my brothers and I did not deserve to be treated the way we were. People commented here about legal obligations to spouses, but that is also a crock because people can leave their money etc. To whomever they want (my phone won’t let me lowercase the T after the etc).
I just wish everyone well, even the nasty commenters, though it is amazing to me how nasty people can be, I’m used to it given the way I was treated. Thanks for checking in.
Hello,
I didn’t read all the comments, but some of the replies are completely off!
We are in a situation when our father married a woman he met in high school. This was his 3rd marriage. First 2 marriages were to our mother. I consider that rushing to marry our father when it was in late stages of Alzheimer, with a judge and lawyer partners in crime, without us the children to know it is criminal. We found out on the day he died that they married a year ago, after the wedding he was placed in a memory care nursing facility by her, the new wife.
Nobody consulted us, the children, nobody told us, even the obituary was all about her. She forgot to mention that he was married for 20 years to our mother, that she gave him 2 sons. The date of their marriage was older than the real date. The real date was 2018. Who she was fouling?! Us, of course, even if our father told us that he will never marry again. To have a companion was fine with us, but to marry when our father wasn’t mentally capable, it is a predatory marriage.
She, the last wife succeeded to spend most of his money with her 5 children from a previous failed relationship, take all her 5 children with spouses in tow and grand-kids to Hawaii on our father’s money while he was lost 5 hours from his house in another state and driving on the other side of the road.
She, this woman who is the official wife of our late father told us after funeral how she is looking forward to her dancing club at 76 years old of age, and probably for her next victim with Alzheimer to marry and inherit everything.
We applaud a Walmart shop assistant turned LPN nurse for Alzheimer’s patients turned rich with our father’s money.
Please do not judge anybody how I noticed in previous comments, you do not know the personal lives of the kids, and if their father was a caring and supporting father in his life toward his own kids.
Coming out of nowhere and making herself the owner of everything it is called theft. In this situation it is qualified theft!
Take a moment and remember, the laws should be changed when people with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease are marrying.
Hi Beverly,
Thanks for your comment. Your situation sounds very difficult and I literally have no words. I wanted to tell you I appreciated your kind response to my letter.
Dear Rebecca, I am sorry this has been your story. You deserve to be welcomed, loved, part of it all. This is not all stepmoms. You were an amazing young girl and now women. Love to you
Dear Karen, thank you for your kind comment and words. I am also sorry it has been my story and sorry that it brought out so much ugly in people.
This is a sad story and I’m sorry this happened to you. I am a stepmom of 3 now grown daughters and could do nothing right. They recently told me how much they resented me and my biological kids. I’ve been married for 25 years to their dad. They do not blame their dad for anything whatsoever. I felt very guilty and sad but counseling has taught me that I am not responsible for everything that they feel they did not get in their childhood. I am now deciding if I even want to continue to see them. There are grand kids involved, win I love very much. It’s a difficult situation and one I do not wish on anyone. I’m 61 years old and want to be happy.
Cynthia, I’m sorry to read of your experience. I don’t blame her for everything (certainly not my childhood which she tried to opine about as well), but only for her own behavior and especially around the death of my father. I hope you can find some peace and the rest of the family also. Sometimes resentments come up for lots of reasons, but you’re right to not take on responsibility for the resentment or their relationship with their father. Thanks for your comment and good luck.
Rebecca, I am so grateful to have found your letter- after reading it (and many of the comments) I’m relieved to know I’m not alone. Together, my stepmom and I cared for my dad while he was on hospice in their home, he was surrounded by so much love during those last couple of weeks- I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything. Hours after his death she completely turned on me, told me how awful I was, that she was keeping all of his things, and to never contact her again. I felt totally blindsided since things had seemed fine between us those past weeks. Months later, she still has my number and email address blocked- a couple of weeks ago she unblocked me only to ask how much I’d pay her for one of his possessions that she knows is very important to me. She re-blocked me before I had a chance to respond (and I was totally willing to pay!).
There’s (of course) much more to this story but, my question for you is: how do you deal with the anger? I want to grieve the loss of my dad, I don’t want to be mad but it’s so hard not to be.
Ramona, I’m not sure why I just saw your comment now and I apologize for the delayed response. I see there’s an email address for you and will send you a more appropriate response to your situation, but dealing with the anger is always a difficult process…and there seems to be a lot to go around. If you read through so many comments about the anger toward me by the commenting public (and you can see it on several of my blogs), and then there’s anger toward her, or dad, or the law for some people etc. It’s definitely complicated.
One of the things about your story that becomes more difficult than my experience was, is the change in the other person. For me, I did not have a big change in her from dad’s death. She was always a problem and contrary to what people commenting here belief I did give her a fair try (and even her attorney for dad’s estate told me I was the most reasonable and he was going to tell her that). I think that speaks volumes.
One of the things I do is take the anger out and examine it. Then I ask myself, do I have the energy to be angry? Anger takes a lot of energy…a lot of energy. If being angry will achieve an objective then I engage with it, but if not, then I tell myself that today is not the day. You’ve raised an interesting point, and although my blog for new year is already submitted, perhaps I will do one on anger after that. Anger and divorce do go together (unfortunately).
Thank you, Ramona for the thoughtful question.
I so appreciated reading this article and the comments. I learned a lot. I would like to give yet another perspective. You are the step children I dreamed about.
I married the most wonderful man, a widower, three years after he lost his beloved wife. I moved into their home because they had already lost so much. It was a shrine to their mother and I respected that. I took the children AND their father to grief counseling. I waited two years to make any changes to the house. I learned about soccer, volleyball, debate, acting, etc. and attended every single event. I gave up my incredible career at age 41 to become a stay at home mom because that is what you needed. Four kids in three different schools all with different activities. I enjoyed it so much and didn’t regret marrying into your family.
The oldest daughter led the way constantly for me to be challenged, berated, degraded, unloved by the smaller children all in an attempt to be loyal to a deceased mother. I suffered. I was verbally and mentally abused by CHILDREN and adult children for 14 years. There was some love, especially by the youngest, when the older children weren’t looking. My husband appreciated everything I did.
In adulthood, the oldest persuaded the younger children to come to her instead of to us for holidays. It was heart wrenching for my husband. It hurt me too, especially to see him hurt. My husband and I started to put our lives together without the children and were ok with that as children grow up and leave home anyway. Then he died suddenly.
I was left everything in trust to the children. They wanted everything now and even suggested that if I didn’t hand it over I would not be grandmother to their children. I gave them close to a million dollars to divide, even though I wasn’t required to give anything. It apparently wasn’t enough.
I’m faced now with one who won’t speak to me, one who I can’t trust, one whose wife hates me and she doesn’t even know me, and one who wants to communicate but doesn’t for some reason. I get a text a few times a year.
I am lost without my sweet husband. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved by this family who needed a step mother and friend. I have no family after 20 years of giving all of myself. I am a good person and people adore me, as is evidenced by all the young people in my life. Cousins, godchildren, nieces and nephews. For some reason I am not loved by this family.
There are many other perspectives I know. I just wanted to give you mine. I’m sorry your step mother wasn’t there for you. I wish you had been mine!
Jody, your comment made me cry, literally. I have no words to say to you and my heart is so broken reading about your experience. I cannot imagine not trying to welcome someone, it is hard to marry into a family and even more with adult kids. I get that, so I always tried to be kind, as did my brother…but you see the events.
I’m very sad that you’re treated the way you are. I’m rarely speechless, but wow, your experience is so distressing I can’t find a response appropriate.
Thank you for sharing this.
Dear Rebecca
I am a stepmother of 5, 3rd wife, mother of 2 . When my first husband died one night aged 57 , no obvious cause of death , I was left devastated and confused. I did not give copies of the death certificate to my children as it was I that had to organise all financial matters.
Six months later my father-in-law died. I inherited from my father-in-law and husband .
I remarried .
I remarried a man who has two minor children and three adult children from two marriages. Two divorces and child support costs had left him pretty near broke but I have always looked after myself financially so was not worried about that.
My husband is older than me and in poor health now . I care for him 24 hours a day. Two stepsons visit when they can.
I was shocked a couple of years ago when the oldest stepdaughter walked into the house on one of her very rare visits with the words “make sure you’ve got your will right” directed at my husband. She continued to question the poor man about whether we still shared a bedroom, what happened to his money, what was he left by his mother.. on and on she went.
I think my husband was shocked too as he just looked at her.
Eventually she got to her main point. Had most of his money gone into the house. Now I bought the house and furnished the house myself the last time we moved .
My husband just said it is Val’s house. I think she still thinks he is leaving me the house.
I have ceased to pay for everything for my husband since this time. I have had enough. His expenses now come from his savings, the ones that might go to his children .
She is too busy to visit when I tell her her father is in hospital. Soon it will be too late for her to visit. My husband has already warned that he expects her to cause trouble.
Val
Val, wow…I just wanted to be included and not barred from the body etc. I just wanted to be treated like a person who also experienced a deep loss. It sounds like you’ve got a whole different set of issues going on. I would definitely separate as much financial things as possible and make sure he does have his will right, because you don’t want to have extra issues.
Most stepmothers are horrible to the first children and it is mainly out of jealousy and wanting to erase any existence of the first children. There is a reason they are portrayed as evil stepmothers in history books, because most of them are. Note I said most, there are some nice ones out there and to those nice ones I say thank you. To the horrible selfish greedy ones, you know who you are. One woman I know made the man remove his first children from his will and leave everything to her. Yet, she said she is entitled to receive money from her own father when he passes on. The hypocrisy by these women is shocking. Hope karma gets those evil stepmothers. And to the fathers who did not care about their first children or first families, shame on you.
Right. I wrote this to tell my story and for families to be able to have the conversation. This one said as children we were entitled to nothing, but she of course inherited from her father. I don’t get it, but considering people can leave money to whomever they wish, I wasn’t too upset with the money. It was the other behaviors I wrote about that upset me.
Maddi, what a childish shrew you are. There are better things to do with your time than stampede this poor woman’s personal experience with your post-menopausal diatribe. I recommend kundalini yoga.
“Dear Stepmother, do you hate my father so much that you would treat his children with such contempt and such disrespect? Do you hate yourself so much that you would want to be treated this way? What will people think when they read this letter and know it is you that I am speaking of? Do you even care?”
Not a phone call when he passed, children not notified of funeral.. is this common? I think there are two types of step parents, one that cares about the kids, and the other that works to separate the kids from the father. No in betweens
I hope it isn’t common, but given the amount of hateful comments aimed at me here, looks pretty common.
Hi Rebecca. Thank you for your story. I wish we lived in a world where stepmoms who WANT a family to love could connect with children (adult and otherwise) who WANT a new mama to love them. But it is so often not the case. I am 68 years old. I met my soon-to-be step mother when I was 16 – 52 years ago. She was a flaming bitch then and she still is now. She ruined our lives. My dad just died a couple months ago at the age of 88 and that she-devil outlived him. Needless to say, me and my siblings get nothing. Meanwhile, her 4 children, who were all adults when they married, are now absconding with a considerable estate. Not a new story is it? I only found this site because I am grieving so hard at the moment and was looking for comfort. I’ve known my whole adult life that SHE would take everything and she did. Oh how I have grieved that my dad did not meet a nice woman who would have loved him and us and wanted us in her life. But no, this selfish, jealous she-dog separated us from our dad and ran us out of our own home as early on as she could. I’m sure there are wonderful step-mom stories out there – and I wish I was part of one of them because I would have welcomed it. That being said, my dad allowed it. And that is what hurts most of all. He allowed it and now they are flaunting everything in our faces.
I guess if I could say one thing it would be this…
Take marriage seriously the first time. Take your obligation to a spouse seriously before God. Realize that any children you have are precious and deserve two parents of their own. When you go against that arrangement only trouble will follow. Do your children a favor and love your mate intensely so the kids feel safe and protected and part of a genuine family unit. It is the greatest gift you can give them.
Should something happen that you find yourself in a position to remarry, know that it is not just about you any more. Those kids still matter. Put them first. The right woman or man will look at it the same way and then you can be a family again. Anything less is pure misery and heartache. I am 68 years old and I will never recover from the woman who blindsided us and made us miserable – with my dad’s cooperation. I only hope I outlive her so she doesn’t win completely.
Thank you for your wise words and beautiful sentiment. I agree with you, this is not a new story and equally unfortunate. The whole arena is unfortunate, as you can see from the nasty comments I receive on the blogs I write. I try to use my personal experience to bring comfort to others, and sometimes it works well. I hope you will outlive her also, I don’t understand this need to be so cruel to others, but then I guess I am weird. I wish I could make it all go away, but there’s nothing I can say to make it better.
My father whom I had a very close relationship with even though he lived in Tennessee and I in Rhode Island, passed away on Feb 29th of this year. I was told by my Aunt. My wicked stepmother, this is the fourth,
(whom has hated my dad’s three daughters) since the get go ten or so years ago, only married the past two, refused to have any services, forbid us to write an obituary, and two days ago, on my 54th birthday, I was served a copy of his will. Everything was left to her, he left nothing to his children, his flesh and blood. Just three or four years ago, he told me everything would be split and divided equally amongst his children. So, yes this article totally hit home. All I can say is karma will get her. Bad enough our grieving was put on the back burner due to the Coronavirus epidemic. I have never felt such pain and anguish in my entire life!
RJ, I am so sorry for your loss. Write an obituary anyway. I wrote an obituary for my father, and even had my own memorial service. Your relationship with your father is independent of the step-monster, and you should do what you need to do in order to find peace. I am sorry to say that this is a very common experience, and seems to be more with second wives than second husbands, but of course you see the people who hated me of both sexes on this post. I wish I could say something to bring you more comfort, but there’s really nothing I can say. Just hold your head high and know you’re not so cruel.
About the pandemic, remember that you can use video conferencing software. I keep telling clients that social distancing does not mean disconnected. We can be socially distant and very connected, using the video conferencing and other connection opportunities. Please don’t feel like you have to put things on the back burner.
You are very brave to write about your true feelings and I am very sorry to hear all that you have had to deal with. Your step mother should be ashamed of herself and any other step mother that can treat any human being like that. I see the other side of the coin though. I am the step mother of 2 older children, which at the age of 15 and 18 lived with me and their father. I have done the best I could with helping them though milestones in their life..helping them prepare for adulthood….a step up in job hunting..apt hunting..trying to build confidence and at the same time maintaining a clean home…cooking dinner…while working full time. They no longer live in our household but fairly close and I’ve not done anything to harm them or hurt their feelings but to this day..I MUST reach out to them to say hello and see how they are. Mother’s Day come and go without even a little text. Maybe I am being to sensitive…but it does go both ways…step children do have to give love and respect to a step parent to receive it back. Step children are happy with step parents as long as things are working in their favor and a lot of them think..it’s all about them…they don’t realize all the stepparent has done for them while growing up..most of us are a very important part of their father’s life and we are also a working and contributing to save for our future retirement together. At some point adult children need to step up and build their own wealth and not expect their parents to provide for them. A lot of people make bad choices with picking their partners and have children with them. At what point does the children realize that some of their birth parents weren’t really that great? and how lucky they were that their father found someone else that makes him happy while being loving and supportive to his children?
Cathy, thanks for your comments and your thoughts. I was 29 hen my parents got divorced, so I did not have the same experience you’re relaying with your step children. I think children often know when a parent isn’t great, but I think also sometimes the parents are different to the children than to each other, and then of course there are all the complex dynamics that come with a step family. The main reason I wrote this was to encourage conversations between family members for others, because it is too late for my family, and really always was, but maybe for some other family things can be done to prevent the level of pain and conflict. I am not implying that everything was easy for the second wife, in fact I refer to her as dad’s second wife not anything related to a step mother, but the world considers her my step mother…and I wanted conversations to be had, so I used the term. I used to be sad that she never took the time to know me, she was always so nasty, but now I am just enjoying the freedom that I have from experiences with her now. I hope you can find some reconciliation.
I’ve sent you a message.
Why do they do that. How can someone just keep that much hate for someone they refuse to get to know sincerely
Erica, that is the million dollar question. I don’t have an answer. Even if you read through the comments on this and some of my other posts, you see how much hatred I seem to inspire in people who don’t know me, never knew me, and in many cases never will know me. All I can tell you, is we cannot control others, but we can decide what we put out into the world. I choose to put as many good things out as I can, and from your comment it seems so do you.
Yes I do. I’ve been living it for 30 years now and she still wont let me see my dad I get invited just to get uninvited everytime and I dont know why I let it still hurt me so much. I’m doing good now now on my own it was hard at first when I was young but I still try for some reason
I think it is really difficult to not let it hurt you, especially when you’re not a person who acts that way. What helped me to release that, in addition to writing this letter, was to decide I didn’t want an emotional connection with her. It is hard because I had to uninvite my dad to things to avoid seeing her, but in the end it is her loss and your dad’s loss if they are not in your life. When I was able to frame it that way for myself, everything got easier.
I Erica, I think you should try again to arrange to see your dad, without his wife. Have a sincere heart to heart and fully listen to what he has to say. I’m sure he loves you very much and will also listen to you and try to understand how you feel and hopefully, come up with a solution that’s best for the both of you. Stay strong! Do you best to get past the built up resentment You need to stay focus on building yourself a happy and healthy future. All the best!
Cathy, this is a great idea also, but it can be difficult. When I tried to do this with my own father he would make the plans and tell me she wouldn’t come and then she would be there waiting for me with him. I became very frustrated and finally had to walk away. I hope that Erica will have a different experience, and I hope that if there are other parents reading this, they will consider Erica’s pain, your wise words, and the unfortunate need I had to finally walk away because it wasn’t possible to see dad without her. I love how some of the people leaving comments, like yourself, really step up and provide support to each other. Thank you, Cathy so much for your comment today.
Thank you. I have been trying. I just miss my dad so much and covid times can be very lonely without family. But you’re right its probably better that letting myself get hurt over and over.i know my dad loves me but it’s hard not being allowed to see him and our conversation topics being controlled so much. I am happy I found this site. It does feel a little better to at least feel validated. So many people find it hard to believe that someone would go through that much trouble to hurt another in real life and I’ve seen too many disney movies. I had no idea how many people have been affected by similar circumstances
Erica, it is really true. There are many people who do not believe someone can be so cruel without us doing something to “deserve” it, but some people are just cruel. As Cathy said, arranging to meet your dad without her may be the best path, and I hope it is. As you can see by some of the more vitriolic comments made towards me on this post, there are plenty of people who are both affected by these circumstances and are just cruel. Let us know how you do.
I am a widow who married a man with two small boys. I never had kids of my own. Some of the comments here really disturb me. I am so sorry to hear about so much heartache from stepchildren in these stories – I can’t imagine having caused so much needless pain to any child in this way.
In my view, you can never separate a father’s well-being from the well-being of his children, even if they are grown. A father’s relationship with his children, whatever age they are, is too important. I wouldn’t have dreamed of interfering with it. I always saw my role as trying to help support him as a father. This included working FT in a stressful job to help pay for the costs of regular visits (flights to a different city) and taking vacation time from work to take care of them during the longer breaks when he brought them to our home.
My stepsons are grown now. I regret not being a better, more involved stepmother. Very tight finances caused a lot of stress in the marriage and I also had health problems (including chronic fatigue), and it wasn’t easy. I often times would stay home when he would take them to the movies etc, even though he wanted me with them. He adored them – they were his whole life. He always wanted us together as a family, and I failed him – and them – in many ways. I wish I could go back and do so many things differently. But I was young and in many ways very naive. I can see clearly in retrospect though that they brought so much joy to our lives, probably the greatest joy I will ever know.
I am very lucky that many years after their father’s death, my stepchildren still stay in contact. Despite my many mistakes (some of which I feel are unforgiveable), they must sense somehow that I did love them, and that I did my best for them with the limited skills I had at the time. I have heard so many horror stories about bad stepmothers – perhaps my stepsons have too, and they see me more favorably now in this comparative light.
With regard to access to their father’s belongings after he died, as far as I am concerned, the children’s needs should take precedence if that is what I believe their father would have wanted. Most of the money in his estate (there wasn’t a huge amount, but there was some decent insurance through his job) was left in trust for my stepsons so they would have a start in life when they finished college.
I haven’t seen one of them for nearly ten years, but I do get an occasional card and email. He lives a long-haul flight away. I hope that as he gets older and has a family of his own, I will become more important to him because of the link to his father. I visited them frequenly when they were away in college in two different cities, and kept them dressed very nicely through those years, but in recent years, long stretches of time have gone by when I haven’t heard from them for months at a time. That’s OK. I will never badger them to call or write, and I will always be happy when I do hear from them again.
Children grow up so fast, and when they are little their childhood just goes on and on and you think they will stay that way forever. I would not trade my stepchildren for anything, and that includes biological children of my own. I can’t imagine loving any children more than I love them. It’s a visceral love. They are both very high-flying professionals now, but the two little boys they once were live vividly in my heart. The grief I feel about the many things I regret is tempered by the fact that despite their parents’ split-up and so many other difficulties with custody battles, health, etc., they both became academic high-achievers. Their STEM academic father encouraged them so much in this regard, but never in an autocratic way. In so many broken families things go very differently even with high IQ children like them. I have a lot to be grateful for. Their father wanted them to have better and happier lives than us (materially and professionally), and this has happened. It tempers all the grief.
Thanks for letting me tell my story.
I googled how to bind a deceased step-mother and stumbled into this article/ your letter. My father married 3 times. His 2nd wife died in 2014. This letter touches on things I would say to her and it also opens up much much more. I should probably seek your services. We would have a LOT to process.
Never believe by hearing only one side of the story.
For me, the opposite it is my step-son who has treated me with contempt after my hubby committed suicide (PTSD related) waving a new grand babe as leverage to coerce what he wants from me! I am so utterly hurt by hisctreatment, perhaps I should write a dear step-son letter?
Brenda, first of all that’s a horrible thing your step-son did and I wish I had some other words to respond with, but that’s all I can say. Secondly, I absolutely think you should write a dear step-son letter. Maybe it will affect the way step-children behave. We’re always looking for more bloggers here. I think you should definitely consider becoming a blogger.
JG, that sounds like a horrible story all around. I’m sorry that your partner experienced this, it really is cruel.
I always encourage people to write about things. I am so sorry that it touches you in the same way it motivated me to write it. You can see from the other comments here that we are not alone, and even some step parents have had it rough. You can also see how many people are saying hateful things and imagining things not as they were for me. If I can be of a assistance let me know. I am not sure if you’re able to email me through the post or not. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to bind deceased anything, but how interesting it came up. If you need help with that sort of thing I can recommend someone.
Beautifully put Mu, as Caz stated. Thanks for such a thoughtful comment.
Thank you, I heard last evening that my father had passed away 4months ago and my step mother didnt have the decency to my sister or myself, no mention in the obituary and no mention on FB. I have considered the letter you shared which has enabled me to compose a letter of my own. Focusing has helped me begin to grieve I was in utter shock when I heard. thanks for sharing.
I’m so sorry for your experience. I am glad that my words have given you some comfort and inspiration. I absolutely encourage people to do their own writing. I also wrote an obituary for my father, which I felt captured his life better than the “official” one. It is so sad that people can be so cruel at the time of someone losing their life.
My father just passed and my stepmother and I worked to care for him the last night of his life. My stepmother honored me by acknowledging I was my fathers only daughter and had me make decisions. I wrote the obituary and gave it to her. So far it has not been published. There was a will and I was executor. Then the will disappeared. Luckily my father and I became very close before he died and everything that was willed to me was already given. My stepmother was never really nice to me and I stayed out of the family because of her for 25 years. But when my dad developed cancer we became close talking, laughing, comforting and getting to know each other. No my stepmother did not want me to come out but my stepsister told me to get there because it was dire. So I did. I really don’t care if she wanted me there or not my duty was to my father. I cared for him until his last breathe and it was an honor to make him comfortable until he passed. I am not sure if I will talk to her. I have alot og ambivalent feelings and her part in why I was not accepted into his blended family. But I do forgive her.
Forgiveness is important, even if you don’t keep the person in your life. It is good you recognize that and are taking care of yourself.
Thanks for sharing your story and for your comments. I am also a STEM academic 🙂 It sounds like you’ve done well by everyone
I am in 6th grade so i guess you are a teacher and i am happy you have shared your feeling on this website.
Sadly, it isn’t easy, but if it were easy everyone would do it, right? 😉
My only question is what did YOU do to your stepmom for her to react this way to you in the first place? It goes both ways, stepchildren are not always the victim here. My stepdaughter and I have the exact situation as you and your stepmom and it’s because her biological mother is so jealous and can’t let go so she has totally turned my stepdaughter against me. My SD treats me like I have the plaque and has tried in vain for 10 years to destroy my marriage to her father. If my father was remarried to a someone who loved and cared for him I would be so grateful that I would be on top of the world. My SD is so selfish that she couldn’t care less that her father is happy and in love and that we take care of each other. Shameful on her part.
Question is what did YOU do to your stepmom. Sounds like you already planned on hating her from the get-go. How can a child be so selfish and hate their father so much that they don’t want him to have someone in his life as a companion to love and care for him?? Are YOU there everyday making sure he’s happy, healthy and cooking and cleaning etc for him?? DOUBT IT! …but your stepmom HIS WIFE is. He CHOSE her, he wanted her..who cares what you want. SOOOO SELFISH on your part. BTW…are your kids gonna decide your funeral arrangements for you someday or will your spouse? your spouse will…as it should be.
My mom in reality is a whore so my dad broke up with her but they weren’t married and that’s when I met my step monster. my step mother is litterly so rude to me and whenever i try to stay positive and she notices she just starts yelling at me for no reason 🙁 if anybody feels this way then please talk to me in the comments because we are all here for you 🙂
Well. As I read through this letter and the comments which follow I feel conflicted. I am a human being first, then I am a mother, then I am a girlfriend. I don’t consider myself a stepmother and frankly I dislike the word:) my boyfriend has 4 children from a previous marriage and I have 2! I love my blood children with my whole heart and soul this is true … but I do feel love for my boyfriends children. I even cry when I am proud of their accomplishments and hug them in their despair. I feel protective of them and I treat them as they were my own blood children, with the same love and care I treat my own children with. I have been told from my boyfriends ex wife that I am not family… I have overheard my boyfriends child say he didn’t want us here… that he liked it beater when it was just them. I have dealt with my daughters occasional isolation from the two younger children who are brother and sister. I have even felt myself like I am a mere visitor here at the house I am supposed to consider my … our home. The truth is it is a wonderful and happy home most of the time. I feel fortunate that my boyfriends children seem to have accepted me… us… it could be worse😔 but I realize that our lives are forever changed. My daughter and I will most likely feel a sense of detachment and as though we are somewhere we aren’t always wanted. That is such a difficult truth to live with. I do love their father with all of my heart. I do love them … I love my own children… but at the end of the day I only pray for kindness, patience, support and that we each understand that while things may be new and different they are safe, at home with two parents who love them… and a STEPMOTHER if you will.. who adores them.. who wants to protect them… who wants to be a friend and mentor and teach them all of life’s wonders. It is not my will or intention to take over. It is my will to inspire, help, teach, care for and love everyone in our home and in our lives no matter who’s blood flows through each of our veins. Family I believe isn’t defined by genes rather the love, commitment and support we each show one another for the rest of our lives or until our journey is over. The truth is I have more children to love and I am lucky. I only wish they knew how I felt.
Not quite a stepmother-
Ashley, thanks for sharing your thoughts. It was difficult to write and difficult to respond to some of these comments. One thing that I think people missed is the adult daughter commentary. I was 29 when my parents got divorced, so I was already an adult when this person came into our lives. I tried to be welcoming, even when it was uncomfortable, I defended her to my mother on a few occasions, and then when dad died this is what my experience was. I find it so funny some people are like oh this is one sided or oh what did you do this woman etc. I find it really unbelievable some of the things that have been said, which is why I stopped responding. Too much of my time was spent in justifications of my own experience, and people may not like it, but this is my experience. I am glad to see that not every family goes through this, as I’ve said many times the purpose of this post was to create an opportunity for families to have conversations. Especially families where the “children” are already adults.
Yes, I can strongly empathize with what you went through. My dad has dementia and would like to give me a normal part of his estate. My step-mom has stated if he does that, she will stop caring for him. Like you, I’ve been nothing but kind to her for now almost 38 years and have gotten nothing but hate in return. In my case and possibly in yours, my step-mom doesn’t have any friends either and so her treatment of me isn’t significantly different from anyone else. How does one approach or deal with anyone who demands the inheritance of the children if end of life care is to be given?
My stepmother inherited 150millionUSD from my father and gave us 3 biological daughters zilch. It’s not about the money, but it is sad knowing that we weren’t even thought of..at all. Where was the love? She left back to her country and has cut contact with us.
I’m very sorry for what you went through, I am now a grandmother dealing with my granddaughter’s stepmother they are not married she blew into his life and took over everything she has controlled absolutely every relationship in our family excluded my granddaughter from seeing me all her other grandparents all her cousins I don’t know where to turn. When do you know when if a step parent has interfered too much or cross boundaries How far is too far she controls everything not even my son will speak directly to me I have to talk through her via text message in order to talk to him
I’m not sure, that’s an excellent question. I guess I would suggest asking a family lawyer in the area where either of you live.
That’s terrible.
Unfortunately, I am sure that happens more often than people like to think about.
Thank you for such a kind comment. I hope things improve for your family.
I married a man whose second wife was killed in a car accident they were both in, leaving two grown children. He also has a daughter. I have two children from my prior marriage. I’ve tried to be close to the step-children but have to accept their terms for a relationship. I’m the one who goes and sees the stepson, his wife and grandson and treat them the same as I do my own grandchildren. His daughter and I are close. I’ve tried with the step-daughter but my husband and I agreed to put a stop to the money bank, which this step-daughter thought was an open check book for her. I send cards, I share my bonus each year with all the children equally and yet I never receive a thank you from the step-daughter. I have to ask if they received the money or gifts I send and feel unappreciated. I don’t expect anything but a thank you, we received it. I even sent a personal birthday gift to her and when asked if she received it she said she forgot who sent it! I’m scared to death if my husband passes before me that she’ll be knocking on my door. Neither of my children, his daughter or the step-son have ever asked for money. I’m not sure what to do. My husband says quit sending anything, but I feel bad their mother is gone. It’s tricky, because we went through and took everything that was his late wife’s down to his two step-children and the stepson didn’t get anything from the truck load of her things. His late wife put money down on the home we now live in. Do I owe them anything? We are going to sell the home and move and we both have our personal belongings listed out in a trust to go to our biological children. I’m not sure at this point what to do.
That is a very sad situation, and I can feel the pain in your comment. My best advice is don’t let people change who you are at your core, and you do what feels right to you. It isn’t easy that is for sure, but don’t let someone change you. I don’t think you owe anyone anything, but I do think when our parents die, we should be included and treated as part of that parent etc. Unfortunately, nothing is ever easy. I hope you are richly blessed, it sounds like you’re very kind.
Reading all of these comments are heartbreaking. While there are many families with the stepparents and stepchildren etc., etc. getting along well and doing right by one another, just remember one thing, it is the biological parent who made a conscious decision to let their unfair spouse do what they wanted. It’s sad to say. Look at Esther Williams. She could not have her daughter live with her because her husband Fernando Lamas did not want her around. It was put out in the paper that he said her daughter was not allowed — NO! Esther Williams made a conscious and deliberate decision to throw her daughter over so she could marry this piece of shit. Look at John Lennon. Everyone said Yoko kept him from his first son, Julian. NO! John Lennon made a decision to let himself be kept from his son! He even allowed him to be taken out of his Will! So sometimes at the end of the day, we have to take a look at our parents and say, hey, why is this happening? And before I get the “well he or she has to live with him or her”, well, you made the choice to say I do, and if you have any love for your kids, you will make sure they are not screwed over by your spouse and that your spouse does not drive a wedge between you and your kids. Not saying some kids are assholes and can be the culprits, but in the situations I am reading, it’s so sad. The new spouse wants to come in and push the kids away. If you are a parent who loves your kids, make sure it does not happen. I knew of a girl whose mother allowed her spouse to treat her and her siblings like crap. They asked the mother to live this dirtbag but her reply was she did not want to be alone. Well, her kids all got fed up with his bullshit, and they turned their backs on her for good. She is a widow and now is ALL ALONE. Serves her right.
Wow….thank you for your comments. It is true. I wrote this post originally to create a situation where people in their own families could have conversations about what is fair etc. while everyone was still alive. I don’t want another family to go through what mine has been through. Thanks for contributing
Nicely written so close to mine but from the age of 6 and the2nd born son to be middle born and looked on as the failed marriage saver and a problem by the extended family as well as her .
Wow.. U have some amazing writing as well as conflict management skills. Those who went through such episode can deeply understand your words. More power to u lady!
Bunny, I wouldn’t worry about the previous comment. I’m not going to lose any sleep over a woman who doesn’t know me saying nonsense that I know isn’t true. I know who I am and what I am, and how I treated her relative. If she bothered to ask anyone who knows both of us, she would get a much more realistic picture of what went on, she just feels the need to defend her relative, and that’s fine. Defend away, I know who I am and I know who this other woman is who was so horrible to me. Just like you know who you are. Don’t worry about these other people.
JG, you’re very accurate and wow what an amazing story. I’m so sorry for your family’s experience. The woman I wrote about was married to a Girard at one point and I suspect Christine is just feeling the need to defend her family. Unfortunately, she is doing so without all the facts in order. I’m sorry for your partner’s pain.
Thank you.
Aren’t you the very picture of intelligence and class?
lol.
I am hardly menopausal, and I have hardly written a diatribe. I’ve just given another viewpoint. If she didn’t want comments or other points of view on her writing, she didn’t have to publish her thoughts on the Internet.
According to her own letter she “never wanted her stepmom” in her life…but is now raking her stepmom over the coals for: 1.) Not consulting her about funeral service plans or the final resting place for her dad; 2.) Not giving her a copy of the death certificate; 3.) Following the will and other legal documents that her own father made regarding his final affairs.
Apologies if I fail to see what this stepmom has done wrong. The stepmom is the wife and next-of-kin, not the daughter. Rebecca isn’t owed a copy of the death certificate. What would she do with it / what does she need it for? The death certificate is used to shut down accounts, move money, turn of phone service, take over social media accounts…etc. All things the next of kin is responsible for. As I believe I mentioned in my comments, I was 28 when my dad died, and I never demanded that my mother consult me on any of this or give me copies of anything…because I respected her position as my dad’s spouse and next-of-kin. In fact, my dad was a corporate attorney who also did estate planning, and it’s incredibly rare for an adult child to be made executor or given the death certificate or POA or medical POA when the person’s spouse is still living…whether it’s a first, second, or third spouse we tend to understand that it’s the spouse’s right and responsibility to make these decisions and handle these matters.
The fact that Rebecca flat-out says she plans to ignore her father’s expressed wishes and try to have his remains moved after her stepmom passes away…that’s what strikes me as childish, controlling, and shrewish.
PS – my email notified me of a response/reply to my comments so I came back to comment. it looks as though Rebecca edited her letter since I first commented – took out some of the more incriminating stuff about demanding things and planning to move her dad’s remains. Guess she realized she was in the wrong about these things. Just wanted to point out that my response was to her original letter, not her edited and toned down letter.
Maddi,
As you know, I appreciate discussions and the entire point of putting this out was to inspire people to talk about these issues. We do not know what my father’s expressed wishes are, as no one has ever stated what his wishes were other than what he told my brother and I. This woman is far from my stepmother, my father “married” her when I was 29. The divorce decree for my parents is dated after their wedding date, so I’m not using the ” ” to be childish. In our family the tradition has always been that the families made these decisions together, so yes I do rake her over the coals for this. I wanted to be able to visit my dad and to have some participation, as a family member in the planning and discussions. Every family does different things, but I believe in following the traditions of our family. I also rake her over the coals for barring me from the body, don’t forget that one. Stating that I wasn’t allowed to see my father’s body, was extremely petty on her behalf.
Anyway, as I said, people are allowed to think whatever they want to think. I didn’t write this to be a sympathetic or unsympathetic character. I wrote it to get other families talking about these issues, to hopefully prevent other families from going through the pain that we have had.
The problem with this woman is she failed to treat us as human beings. I invited her to the memorial I had for my father, I heard about the one she had for him from third parties after the fact for example. I guess my father’s expressed wishes included that as well? I’m quite certain that nothing followed his express wishes in the way we were treated…so yes, when this woman dies we will move our father where we want him to be, as will be our right at that point. If that’s controlling and shrewish, that’s fine. I think it is controlling and shrewish to treat the children the way we were treated in my family by this woman.
Rebecca –
Apologies. For some reason this forum doesn’t allow replies to go under the actual comment you’re replying to. I was trying to reply to the person who literally called me a “childish shrew” for giving a different perspective on these things…not to you specifically.
Again, I’m sorry you feel hurt by your stepmom’s actions. While I agree that it would have been better for you to be consulted and included, I still think that overall your expectations are way out of line. And your plan to move your dad’s remains are terrible…not your right at all, and I hope the legal system stops you. Your stepmom would not have been able to do anything that went against your dad’s will or his final wishes, so you should take comfort in the fact that he’s where he wants to be rather than moving him out of spite. Just my two cents.
I also find it interesting that you edited your original letter to take out the reference to you not having seen or really spoken to your dad in over 10 years (Which makes one wonder…how did you even know what his final wishes were? Certainly your stepmom spoke to him more recently than that…so how can you possibly know that she went against his wishes?) You also took out a couple more scathing lines and your reference to moving his remains.
Hi Maddie, I haven’t edited the original letter. The original letter as far as it reads to me is the same as the one I posted. It will be my right to move his remains after her death and I will move them at that time, as will be my right. I can appreciate people don’t agree with my expectations. I didn’t think you were calling me a childish shrew, though it’s OK if you think I am one. I was just adding my two cents about my opinion is that this woman who was in my father’s life for 9 years decided not to consult his adult children, who were in his life for significantly longer periods of time. I just wanted you (or anyone else to know) that I did not edit this letter. This letter is exactly the way I wrote it on the day I wrote it.
Oh, and yes Maddi, I do find the way the replies are threaded to be a bit weird. A few times I’ve tried to reply to people and I find the reply in weird places. Sorry about that. Hope this reply goes where you are.
I’m genuinely curious why you think it’s your right to move your dad’s remains? If it was your right, you would have that right here and now and wouldn’t have to wait until your stepmom’s death to have that right. This is what makes me feel like it’s not your right but your wish…and something that would be bad. To go against your dad’s burial plans just because you want to? Seems really disrespectful to the dead.
As I mentioned, my dad was an attorney who handled estate planning and other issues, and I’ve never heard of someone having “the right” to move a body that’s been legally interred according to the deceased wishes or, if no wish was expressed, according to the wishes of the next of kin…in this case your stepmom. These things follow succession laws for a reason.
I also find it odd that you are now claiming she’s your “stepmom” in quotation marks because their marriage happened before your parents’ divorce went through? How is that possible? As far as I know, we have laws against bigamy in this country…so their marriage would be invalidated and you’d be next of kin, not her. I find this all very confusing and, frankly, unlikely…
At any rate. I appreciate the respectful dialogue even if I completely disagree with you and your perspective. And apologies if you really didn’t edit your letter. I distinctly remember several sentences about your stepmom ignoring his wishes / ignoring the will and another sentence about you not having much contact with your dad for 10 years because of her…because I remember feeling confused about how you could know the wishes of someone you hadn’t seen or spoken to in 10 years. But maybe those statements were in the comments and not in the original letter.
Hi Maddi, I think those were comments (I’m naming you in case my reply goes somewhere weird). All I can tell you is when my mother got her divorce decree from the state it said it was entered December 1, 2006 and the wedding certificate for this person and my dad is May 27, 2006 in a different state. Therefore, it seems from legal documents to be in question. I’ve always considered to her to be my father’s wife and that’s it to me, for many reasons one being I was 29 when she entered the picture. When she dies my brothers and I will be next of kin and according to the law we can move his body. I’ve already looked into this. According to her there was no will, so according to her there were no expressed wishes. I agree with you, the whole thing is very bizarre…but per the legal documents this is what I am seeing which makes the whole thing all the worse.
Thanks for asking, and like I think I’ve said many times, there’s nothing wrong with discussions as this was the point of the letter, and you’ve been a fairly level-headed part of the discussion as I recall, over the years….so you’re probably remembering comments, though I don’t recall every comment on here. I did re-read the letter after your comment about me editing it, and it is the original letter I wrote. Anyway, I have some family obligations to get to right now so I have to leave this conversation for now, but I will say it was all very bizarre and very painful. I could probably take the legal documents to a court now, but I think it is best to enjoy the silence and just move him after she dies.
Funerals are expensive, as well as paying medical bills, other bills, etc. a lot of stuff goes into planning when a person passes away & it happens fast that everything has to be gathered and figured out. Furthermore, it is his wife’s job… his partner’s job… and people change their mind about things etc., as they get older etc., I have children that are my husbands, my own, and step children. At the end of the day, what is mine is his and what is his is mine. It’s how it should be. I don’t want anything from my mom or my dad or my step dad, if they were to pass away. We all have memories… but memories are just that. And what is the need for seeing ashes anyways, that is just weird. I have my first love’s ashes (my cat), but I would not show them if someone wanted them. Oh wait, they are in a house that my sister lives in, that was my mom’s, and before that my great grandparents… Some people need to get over theirselves and move on. My Mimi did, when she started changing the house, and got rid of my gramps’s tools and other stuff. People need to think realistic!
Not every step mom is like that… I acted more like a mom than my step daughters’s mom ever did. I am not perfect, but all they ever did was criticize me… well good riddance to her, she is not with her mom from because of an emergency petition, while she was in a psych hospital….Our house is more peaceful now, and I can put the foot down with my own children. It was hard to do, when she criticized us as parents at 14, when her mother took off for 3 yrs… or everything I did was a struggle…Hell, I even blocked my phone number!
My father remarried 2 years after my mother passed away and I was 20. When men remarry the relationship they once had with his kids is rarely ever the same. Shame on the father’s they know whats going on. Men need to stand up for their children. P.S. to all the fathers, make a copy of your Will and Trust and give it to your kids ! Better yet if you have kids from a previous marriage and a paid off home get a prenup.
WTH.Anonymous- a man’s place is beside his wife. Even the bible says God first, wife second. Doesn’t say kids second. And a man’s obligation in death his wife, to make sure she is taken care of. Do you step kids have a husband? Its HIS job to take care of you. Not daddy. It’s His choice who he leaves things to whether you like it or not. You are not owed a thing. He earned it, his wife earned it. The only reason you say give the will to kids and get a prenup is because you think because you were sprung from his loins it is owed to you. It is in fact, NOT. and even if he gave the kids a will, wills can be and ARE changed. And a prenup is an agreement to get a divorce. Not hat principal, I wouldn’t marry any man who asked for one.
You are 100% correct anonymous, and as I’ve said I shared this with everyone to help other families.
I know exactly hos you feel. We got to be strong here and stay abowe this kind of leachers. They dont want us here, but we are here and they can not cope with that inside their hearts. So, i follow a brilliant advice, I am happy that I make this leachers feel bad inside. Stand strong and be happy. You are not the one spreading negativitet out to the world.
I know People who do get along very well with their stephmothers, this wimen are healthy though. 🍑
Thank you Anna, I appreciate that.
I’m so sorry you went through this with your father’s wife. In my case I’m the rejected stepmother. I was introduced to my stepdaughter in 2009, she was an adorable and beautiful 2 years old little girl. I had two daughters (4 and 1). The girls got along very well and we became a blended family three years later after my husband and I got married in a small wedding. My husband and I had a baby girl in 2015 so the family is complete. Let me tell you that stepdaughter’s mom hates my guts since day one, and I’m pretty sure is been brainwashing her daughter against me. Stepdaughter’s attitude have changed so much towards me and my daughters since 2018, and it gets worse every two weeks when she comes home, she doesn’t even bother to hide her hatred for me and anything that has to do with me, specially when my husband is not around. She has no problem ignoring my presence. Is very disappointing because my husband doesn’t say anything to her, but I feel uncomfortable in my own house every other weekend and whenever she’s around.
I really hate this situation, and I don’t know how much longer I can put up with it!
This is what I have been going through. My father was just diagnosed with cancer. I’m wondering if the same thing will happen to me. I doubt I will even get a call. I’m sure she will tell my fathers family and maybe my stepsisters I chose not to come to the funeral. I have tried to earn her love my whole life. I know my mother didn’t make it easy. She blames the whole situation on me. Says that I chose everyone else over them and that our relationship was fractured and they had to move on and that’s why they don’t include us (myself, my husband and son) in their life. I have invited them to every event we have ever had. Every single one. Her excuse was that she doesn’t want to be around my mother. What’s the excuse for not asking me to come to their house for family get together a or vacations? Thanksgiving? I ask them to spend Christmas with us every year because they don’t include us with my stepsisters. So it ends up just being them and the 3 of us. Except this last year. My stepmother couldn’t even show up for that. 🤦🏼♀️ What a waste!
SSH, I am very sorry for your experience. I hope reading my post brings you some comfort and that you’re able to share it with your father, perhaps it will enable your family to make some changes while they still can.
Hi Ann, that sounds like a horrible situation and I’m sorry you’re going through this. It is troubling to me that your husband doesn’t stand up for you. I understand that everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and emotions, but we’re not entitled to behave the way your stepdaughter is behaving. I had the same problem where my father never stood up for me, and I think when there’s this type of behavior someone needs to stand up against it for the person on the receiving end. There’s no excuse to abuse someone. Thank you for sharing your story.
Were you really kind to her though? A child memory of things and how things really were can be quite confusing. You didn’t deserve to not see your father in his death bed but how did everyone treat your stepmother? Who was truly there for her when she was viewed as “The evil stepmother” ?
Hi Shara, yes I was very kind to her. I helped her with the wedding planning as she had asked me and I allowed her to be in the lives of my children. I welcomed her into my home, until it became obvious she wanted to be nasty to me. She became the evil step mother by her own behavior. I’m curious what you mean by a child’s memory of how things really were can be quite confusing. I was 29 when my parents got divorced. I’m quite clear on who was behaving in what manner. I’m sorry that my experience doesn’t fit the narrative you’d like to see.
I have the opposite problem and it feels so good to let this out. I feel so much for the children of step mothers who are not cared about. I have the opposite problem. My husband and I married during a four year rejection from his own children. They only contacted him when they wanted him to buy them something. Many plans were made and he would never hear from them during the day or he would kindly show up and they would not bother answering the door. I sat with him countless times when he hurt over their behavior. I had loads of resentment for the manipulation and the entitlement. Now 17 and 24, two high school drops outs with no aspirations in life, neither has ever held a job even, are living here because their real mother is a meth addict.
We suffer with the total lack of respect and my grand resentment for them. They are so disrespectful they call them by his first name. I have begun to hate them, I am angry. I do not want them here. They have destroyed our happy home. I have tried to be kind and they go behind my back telling him things to hurt are marriage. They never saw or valued him as a father and I have never seen such a pathetic attempt to hurt someone. Our home feels empty and the warmth is gone. I have never met two people with such a low value to this world. Sadly he deserves better than this.
We are headed for divorce because I cannot live with the chaos. My advice…. Really, really know who the kids are and realize that even though they are estranged… figure out the situation first. Honestly, had I known I would have ran like hell in the opposite direction.
My current husband had no kids we are both on board sorry for your troubles my dear don’t marry anyone with kids live together and thrive
I’m glad you were able to put your words out in a safe place, and I agree with you about figure out the situation. That was the entire reason I wrote this post. The entire purpose was to help encourage other families to have some conversations and prevent the heartache mine experienced.
Thanks I had 4 years of harassment from that psychopath had to move because of her not leaving me alone brought in the police stopped corresponding with her mom who was a friend the police reports ended so there are abused women everywhere from different areas
Rebecca I need your help.. my grandpa well papaw as I call him… was pushed to his death by my step mother please help me… the whole family has turned there back on me and let this evil human being continue to live in the home I’ve called home my whole life… she mentally has brainwashed my father I know she did this .. my papaw and me shared a bond that humans dear about sharing and long long for with another being he invested in me everything that helps me continue to stay afloat despite the current adversity.. please help me.. I don’t have a website but I’m in need I don’t know what to do and it’s killing me…
Hi Haley, I would advise you to alert the local police regarding this, as it sounds like you’re mentioning criminal activity. The problem is that the spouse really gets all the rights here, but my only other advice would be to ask a lawyer to assist you with addressing these issues as best you can.
My husband has adult children we have been married for thirteen years. My husband is ten years older then me, his kids mother passed years before we meet. I am always extremely nice to his sons, Christmas gifts, peace maker etc.
However it’s bothersome that I go to their house it’s only a picture of their dad no us together.
It’s kinda hurtful. I hope I’m not over reacting.
Hi Mary, I don’t think you are over reacting, I think this is a very reasonable expectation. One question I have, is do they have any pictures of the two of you? Maybe one Christmas give them a framed picture of you and your husband? Another way to go, if you think there are issues causing this is to speak with your husband about it and see about seeing a therapist together about this issue or with the adult children. I don’t know your entire family story, but based on the little information you’ve shared here, I think your reasonable in your feeling hurt about this, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this type of pain.
It’s easy to judge when you have a one sided opinion of stepchildren my stepdaughter made her dad miserable so he walked away and never had visitation paid his chil support and his x wanted him to have supervised visitation to her surprise he gave it to her in court never looked back she was adopted from Romania she made me miserable a drunk and drug addict a liar and thief that stole money anything she could pawn for alcohol never came to see her dad when he was terminally ill then calls my lawyer to see if he left her Money no he didn’t left her zero disowned her and said she’s a pain in my ass don’t want her anywhere near me now or after I’m gone someone needs to print the stepmothers side
For a change
Hi Nancy, I’d encourage you to register as a blogger with Divorce Magazine and write about issues from the perspective of the step mother. You’re right, that side is often not written.
I have to say you’re missing the point here – what these kids are saying is they’ve been in their dad’s life since birth. Through good times and bad. Their parents divorce, they’re still coping with it all, as a child. Many times it’s the child who helps the parents through the divorce. Their dad meets some other lady and marries her. They’re happy for their dad, yet when their dad passes, their stepmothers do what they want, including selling off the cars and Harley. The kids should have had these. You say if they want things like a car or Harley, go buy them. What about the step mother – what has she done to earn it? What did she bring into the relationship to start with? Why should everything in the dads possessions go to the stepmother and nothing for his biological kids who have been with him their entire lives. These women are mean and calculating and conniving and care for nothing but themselves. So they’re grieving, big deal. Everyone is grieving, and it’s harder for the kids than these cold hearted cows. Kids you’re right to feel sad and upset. It is real, and these women have had the money in their sights all along. And you trust me, a women DOES marry a man that has kids and she can’t stand and won’t accept, they do it ALL THE TIME. Then they set about driving a wedge between the kids and the father, which works, then they have it all their own way. And they do this from the outset.
Most my husbands wealth went to never-ending college bills for his kids. What did I bring to the marriage? Freaking everything I’ve ever had. What will I get from my step kids once my husband dies? Nothing, all the decades I invested in their lives will be forgotten. I will be alone. You have no idea what you are talking about.
Stephan, thank you for seeing me and for this comment. My father was my father for 38 years.
Stephen we aren’t all bad. I grew up in a blended family. My brothers called my dad Hero. It worked. I married a widower with three children who had serious issues long before their mom passed. I took on this situation knowing it would be hard. However, thanks to ignorant, old stereotypes outsiders made it difficult for my husband, myself and the children. Sadly, Stepmothers have it much harder due to gender. Women aren’t seen as providers. When we show stength, it is seen as shrewd and evil.
I believe generalizing with prejudice opinions is dangerous and not productive. Every case is different. It is 2021. Not 1821. Imagine describing any other group in the same manner. It would NEVER be tolerated.
I was so deeply hurt that I became suicidal. I was shunned, condemned and treated like a dog. In fact, my mom called me the stepdog. My husband says I’m his wife, not his stepwife. I gave up my career, home and uprooted my mom so I could care for the children. I cleaned out my savings to purchase a beautiful home. When the state was involved due to school attendance issues, I never backed down. I cleaned up their former home and never missed a court date or family therapy. We took trips, had pets, etc. I tried very hard to be nice even when I was called my father’s little hoe and a cunt. I received threatening texts and had a baseball bat swung at my head. Through it all I stood strong. It was a struggle but eventually it got better.
Every case is different. Rebecca’s situation was very bad. I understand because my cousins went through a very bad situation with a stepmother, when they were adults. Their dad, my uncle, after divorcing my aunt, married a lady named Mary who was not nice to them. This lady had a daughter named Karen. When Mary passed my uncle had dementia. I’m not sure how this happened but Karen married my Uncle so she could get the inheritance instead of my cousins!!!
Rebecca, can you get your dad’s death certificate from the board of health? I got my grandparents death certificates that way when I was applying for dual citizenship. I have no idea why your stepmother would with hold that document. You have every right to a copy!! I’m really sorry that you are dealing with such a horrible, vindictive person.
Very well said! Taking offense a persons story and lashing out reflects insecurities and guilt of the one lashing out.
Hi Deb, I did request it from the state and received a copy. I had to produce several documents to prove my relationship and identity. It would have been much easier had she just gotten me a copy. Interestingly enough she tells people she got us copies, but I’ve never been mailed a copy by her.
From a step-mother’s perspective: I have a very hard time believing you. Are you sure you were welcoming and kind to your stepmother? Sounds like you blamed her for you parents divorce years before she came on the scene, Every word you say is a claim you are blameless and she is always in the wrong. Yes, it takes two to make a relationship work, and that includes you making an effort. All I hear from you is blame, anger, resentment. Like your step mother needs to deal with that while grieving the loss of her mate.
I bet your stepmother tried to love you, and you did nothing but spew nothing but hate her way for years. Just go away, and stay away. She is better off without you and your anger in her life.
I was 29 when my parents got divorced. Why would I blame her to begin with. I am blameless. I was welcoming, I even told my mother to back off when my mother would ask if she was with me. She didn’t invest in my life at all, or as I said get to know me.
Beautiful, sad letter. I could write a novel about my own experience, but this letter speaks to so many people. Not all stepmother’s are like this, but the ones who are break my heart. I see a lot of well meaning articles about mean stepparents but always make it about what the child or teen is acting. Who cares about how they are processing? This article made me feel validated for once… I don’t talk to my dad and stepmom anymore, they can have their life, I tried so hard to be the kind person. Well anyway, thanks for sharing the letter.
Very one sided. I would like to hear your stepmom’s perspective. I’ll bet it is different. You have to back off and treat her with some respect too!
I’m in the position of both having a stepmother and also being a stepmother, I’ve struggled with a lot of hurt, disappointment and judgement in both situations. The truth is it really hasn’t got anything to do with being a step parent and everything to do with a persons character. Some people in this world are loving and giving, they care about others feelings and other people are selfish, jealous and greedy, always taking everything they can get and never reciprocating, the problem lies in the true nature of people not whether they are a step parent or not.
Wow I can sadly relate. My stepmother wrote me an email 12 hours after I had spent 10 days with her preceding my father‘s death that accused me of stealing items in which she could not list and told me that I was not welcome back at his house. They were together 28 years and she somehow thought that she was the only one in his life, she is only 11 years older than me his middle daughter. She made sure she was sole heir and even the things that he spoke out loud to give us back she will not part with and honor his wishes. Non monetary items! It makes me wonder if she ever loved him because if she did how could she possibly treat my brother and I like this. It actually makes me sad for her as I would’ve been a good daughter to her regardless. It seems as though she meant to alienate us not just all his life but now too as he has died. Makes me so sad. I was quiet about her just so I could have a relationship with him my entire life. On his deathbed he said he hoped there was no animosity between us . I wish he knew how it turned out. It wasnt his kids after all. She played the long game. He got hustled.
Exactly the same happened to me, people like this don’t understand love, they just want to have control and hoard everything, sadly in the end they are alone with their hoard of ‘things’
This is my stepmother 100% what an evil horrid person she turned out to be. Literally made my life a nightmare for decades. Once my dad died she turned on my brother and I then tried to turn our kids against us. I wouldn’t wish her on my worst enemy. She’s a homewrecker from day one and will only and always be that