I’m debating writing a second book and calling it “Death and Divorce”. I thought that I was finished with my ex-husband when we divorced and he got everything. He barred me from the children, aided in no small part by his mother, “our church”, and my father. I even have the letter my father’s wife wrote regarding how the family wanted to hide his death from me in order to continue barring me from my children.
Divorce is divorce, and it is more stressful than a death because it lacks finality. Whether you are divorcing a narcissist, a community of narcissists, or just a normal person, there is an expectation of continued contact. I suppose I had expected at some point my children would grow up and seek me out, and, thus, I’d be required to have some, limited contact with their father.
This isn’t to say I had looked forward to it. In fact, when they played “Joy to the World” (the Christmas Carol) at his September 2014 funeral, I couldn’t bring myself to sing. I quietly looked for the hidden cameras with a tear on my cheek. I was afraid to be judged, so I was afraid even to cry. Truth be told, no one wanted me at that funeral. My aunt told me not to go given “your feelings towards….” Funny, when I asked her to tell me my feelings, she had no answer.
I went to the funeral for two reasons. The first reason I went to his funeral was to say goodbye to a man who destroyed me but who I had been madly in love with when we married and was the father of my children – the man who broke me because it wasn’t enough that I made him my world. The second reason was for my children. “What does it say to my children, aunt_____, when their father dies and their mother doesn’t show up?” Again, no answer to that one.
So, after I spent three days throwing up on the bathroom floor upon learning of his death, I picked myself up and decided there should be a handbook written on the subject of dealing with the death of an ex-spouse. I’m still kicking that around, given that my parents are also divorced and my father’s death in December of 2015 has added to the drama around death and divorce.
I am thinking about gearing this handbook mostly for the adult kid of divorce. However, I’ve got some thoughts about the death of an ex-spouse that I wanted to share, maybe because my ex-spouse’s birthday has just passed on July 11th and I am thinking about that time of my life.
5 Tips to Keep in Mind When Grieving An Ex-Spouse’s Death:
1. Go to the Funeral
Consider it an opportunity for healing and forgiveness that could never come during the time your spouse was alive. In my case, I stayed away from his family on purpose. I did speak to a former brother-in-law briefly after the service, but I got in and got out. All of my children gave me hugs and even thanked me for coming. If you have children who have just lost their parent, it is important they see you supporting them during this time. Allow them to talk about the other parent and share with them positive memories (this might be difficult, but I reminded myself it’s about the kids now, he’s dead after all, and contrary to popular belief, I never did hate him).
2. Honor Yourself and the Bond You Once Shared
The death is really the severing of all ties. In death we are truly liberated from the ties that bind. I even wrote a letter forgiving my ex for his trangressions after his funeral. His death has allowed me to finish raising my two youngest children that are now 15 and 16, and gives me hope that my almost 20- and 21-year-old children will eventually come back into my life. The bond of marriage is real and powerful – that’s why divorce is so painful. Death after a divorce is the ultimate release and can, ironically, give you new life.
3. Don’t Let Others Dictate to You How You Grieve
Grief is a funny thing; it sneaks up on you. A divorce is a terrible event that one can grieve for long after it’d be expected – same with grieving an ex-spouse’s death. Who would have thought that six years after my divorce was final I’d throw up for three days after hearing he died? It can also bring new wounds, as it did for me when I had to have a custody battle and a grandparent visitation battle with his family. (My attorney calls my case the dead daddy case, because we even had a hearing against him after he died. It was nasty.) Honor your need to grieve, because if you had a long-term and intimate relationship (like marriage), odds are upon hearing the words “______ died”, odds are you’ll feel something.
4. Think About Getting a Coach if You’re Stuck
Coaches are different than therapists, and since I’ve taken on my role at Empandia, I’ve realized that getting a coach to help with the issues that come from a relationship ending (the grief and crisis type of issues) can be really beneficial.
5. Be Not Afraid
While I was preparing for the journey to say goodbye and preparing to go into the lion’s den (sometimes the viper den in my mind) to attend the funeral, I was singing this song from childhood: “Be Not Afraid”. Over time, its meaning has changed for me, but the message is the same: Be not afraid. It is daunting, but there is a finality to this process and a life for you on the other side of it.
If you are grieving an ex-spouse’s death and trying to navigate through it, know that you are not alone. I am here. I would be happy to share more on this topic or to help in any way I can. Please feel free to leave a comment.
Actually i think you shouldn’t go . You divorced him so you forfit your right to publicly grieve . No one wanted you there and they were quite right . Im sure most of the other people attending felt it was in very poor taste
How did you know no one wanted her there, did you ask her children? Don’t comment unless you’ve walked in the shoes. Very narrow minded…
Ahhhh. She said she wasnt wanted.
All that matters is that her children wanted her to come, remember they thanked her for coming.
Absolutely right. It’s all about the children now, the battle is a thing of a past.
It isn’t about her or her children, it is about the deceased and his family. Yes the children are family but if je had remarried it is just bad taste.
My ex husband passed on Saturday, we share children in their 20’s and 4 grandchildren. We have been divorced 12 years. At first it was a bad relationship, but as the grandchildren arrived we became friends, again. The in-laws still invited me to all events, we even lived tofether platonically with our daughter when she had our first grandchild, moving on, I live with a man for 6 years and have a good relationship. I even wrote his obituary and supply all photos as I am the keeper of all photos.His funeral is Friday, my boy friend does not want me to go to his funeral! My ex never met or married anyone. It is very hard as my adult children expext me there. Ugh! what to do???? KD
wasn’t wanted by some. Not all.
My ex husband died 8/27/20. We we’re divorced for 12 years, he’s been remarried for the 3rd time for 10 years. We have 3 grown sons and grand daughter together. I have been remarried for 4 years. His wife did not want me to attend. I’m cool with my ex-in-laws and they all said I should be there! I did not inter act with his wife and got there early with my sons. We were married 17 years. I needed closure and needed to comfort OUR sons( his only children). My sons and former in- laws thanked my husband and I for coming. This is a man that cheated on me twice.I don’t hold a grudge nor did I want any harm to come to him.
Tough. Go anyway with your head held high
This column is for people who are grieving their ex spouses. Yes, the ex absolutely goes to the funeral. Especially, when there are children involved.
People have a lot of opinions, many people shared the opinion Dan expressed, but the reality is my children wanted me there.
You are right. My adult children wanted me there. I I went. Been divorced 21 years.
Same here my boys wanted me to attend. This Wasn’t excellent article, it actually helped me get through this loss
I didn’t go to my ex funeral. Seeing the kids cry and his new wife not allowing the kids to be more involved in their fathers funeral, that has been one of my biggest regrets. Even his mother and father called me and said they wished I was there. (He was a police officer, he was killed on duty) So I saw the funeral on TV and was kinda glad that I didn’t go. So ai held a private ceremony and said good bye to him. I wish I was able to do that in person
Just because you got divorced doesn’t mean you don’t still care for the person. I didn’t want to get divorced and I wished I would have fought to stay together more. But when he died just a few years later I was so sad and went to the funeral and I am glad I did
I attended my ex husbands funeral without thinking twice. He is half of our child and I am all hers. Not attending would have rejected half my daughter which is baffling to think otherwise. My role was support for family and honouring his memory. I like what she said in regards to honouring the bond once shared. I share many stories with our daughter of her dad and I which gives her the okay to talk to me, her mother through her grief. She shares happy memories and not so happy memories which is part of her grieving process and my duty to he present for as her parent. I show her it’s okay to feel sorrow by expressing my own sorrow, of course not as my confidante, I am hers but to let her see she is not alone in her sorrow. Grief is not a forfeiture of public right and is not for the public to decide how any individual feels during something highly emotional through separation. There absolutely is a hierarchy of who is given propriety which in our family was/is the mother and father of my ex husband and the daughter of my ex husband. They come first and my role was/is to be present.
Your so wrong the children need to know at some point in there lives that their parents were once one
I just lost my ex husband and am raising our young son. You deserve to go to the funeral too as an ex spouse.. You know what you had with them and no one can take that away…it is also incredibly important to show your children that you loved their father/ mother too, they need to see that.
Stupid response. Arrogant and ignorant and shallow minded.
SHE DID IT FOR HER CHILDREN’S SAKE not Yours or others at the funeral. Everyone handles grief, some appropriately like she did supporting her children, forgiving and closing the door. Others handle it inappropriately by acting immature by shunning , name calling, blaming, and thinking the death only affects them and so nobody else’s feelings matter. The most important thing a parent can do is LOVE and SUPPORT their children. Let the adults grow up or grow older quicker.
If the children are adults then the ex shouldn’t go to the funeral if she has an estranged relationship with the bereaved wife/family. She can support and pay her respects otherwise. If she is wise she should understand that emotions are high and keep her EGO to herself.
Grieve as much as you want and don’t allow anyone to shame you
I honor and respect your pain
Dan your comment is the only part of this story that is in incredibly poor taste.
I recommend some serious self-discovery — your own pain appears to be poisoning your ability to empathize with your fellow people. Whoever may have told you in one way or another that you don’t count, or that you were small, or a nothing… they were wrong.
Self-love and self-esteem, dude. Gotta have it.
Too bad for them. When my ex died, our children were young and they needed their mom at the funeral.
I, personall, feel that I want to go to the funeral, even though my ex-husband & I weren’t the best of friends anymore. I knew him 5 years before we got married & we stayed married 25+ years, before the last 2-3 yrs. fell apart. Children, grandchildren were/are important to both of us. A large part of my life was spent with this man. I was there, mostly for my children, yet again, to bring closure so I could move on & be happy again. What people think is there dealing, not mine. Btw, neither one of us remarried.
I can understand that, and I think it’d be a reasonable approach for all the reasons I outlined. I also think that when you have children and/or grandchildren involved it’s very important to attend these rituals as a statement to those left behind.
I so understand
Just because divorce occurs doesnt separate was once was. Especially if the foundation of the deceased was build upon on the love of wife. We both never remarried.
Margaret, wise words. Thank you for your comment and for taking the time to read my post.
Thank you for sharing this. I was feeling like I am the only one going through this trauma. I am in an almost same situation as you narrate. Right now, I am having a difficult time with my 15 year old son, who lost his father 6 months ago. My son, resided with his father. Now, he lives with me (and our blended family). I have been in and out of court and mediation with the grandparents. It is ugly. They constantly put me down and brainwash my son when he is visiting there. They undermine my authority to the point that my son is oppositionally defiant. He tells me everyday how much he hates me and how he wishes I died instead. My heart is so broken. I feel like no one else understands. I’m also filled with so much anger towards the grandparents.
That sounds terrible. Can you get more control over the visits?
My ex left me after 19 years and 2 wonderful children (now young adults), he died suddenly 6 months after our divorce came through. I had the most vicious narcissist father in law who gave me a death threat not to attend the funeral, and was not allowed to support my children as they went to view his body, it was their wishes that I’d be there to support them. The father in
Law said, you have already said your goodbyes! No
One has the right to play god in such situations, my rights as a mother were taken. Away from me. 4 years later I have. Oncommunication with that side of the family. Our marriage had broken down, but we still put our children first, and he even used my solicitor for our divorce. The father in laws poisonous behaviour has made his passing not only for me, but more importantly my children, 100 times more upsetting and difficult to deal with than it should of been. To this day I have always put my children’s needs above anything else. We spent 24 years of our lives together, and it’s his anniversary today, I will raise a glass tonight with my best friend and reminisce about the old days. RIP ‘S’.
Oh Honey. You said good bye at the divorce final hearing. You have no right to be there much less to grieve publicly. Accept it. You have no rights as a mother to attend his funeral.
What malarky. Of course she has rights to be at the funeral. She is the mother of his children, full stop. THAT is enough. Eff the FIL.
This comment is so narrow minded. I’m assuming any past relationship that didn’t stick through to the end has no rights at a funeral. Friendships, acquaintances, old teachers, girlfriends, boyfriends. ??? Divorces aren’t cookie cutter. Many times they aren’t even wanted, but rather accepted. When love is true, it doesn’t stop–ever!! But deciding to love yourself first is usually when divorces can many times happen because people finally see things for how they truly are and come to terms with mature resolve and take action that approriates their self worth in their adult lives. I agree that going to the funeral was just an act of authenticity for respect of how she felt. The kind of walls and hatred that allow people to so black and whitely judge people are what literally cause death many times through health issues/cancer etc. So sad that people can’t just let people off the hook for mistakes and forgive and move on. You must have unresolved hurt in your heart, I pray that it is resolved and healed soon.
Divorced in Indiana, I agree with you. I also am grateful that I don’t carry that kind of toxicity. It is always interesting to see how many haters I attract on my articles. Fortunately, I’m not writing for those people ;).
That’s rather unfortunate, death seems to make people extremely vicious. I hope your family can get some healing.
Yesterday we had the funeral service for my ex-husband and father of my 14 year old daughter. He died after a long battle with cancer, so while it was not unexpected, it was intense. (My own father died of cancer when I was 18, so I kind of knew the outcome.)
Our experience is probably quite unique. During our divorce, we remained civil for the sake of my young daughter which helped us to become friends eventually. He remarried with two small kids, age 6 and 3. Even more uniquely, I became close to his wife during the last year of his life and struggles with this disease. We had always communicated parental issues pretty well, but this was an actual bonding over our fears and hopes. In the end, I spent the last week of his life at their house, helping with their small kids, and the night shift rotation of administering his meds to keep him ‘comfortable’. I changed his diaper with his wife. After he passed, I changed his clothes for the removal of his body. He died in the hospice bed set up in my daughter’s room at their house. I helped with the funeral arrangements, and was called to speak at the funeral by his wife and mother-in-law. I read a poem on behalf of my daughter because she couldn’t manage to get through it.
It was the most intense and amazing experience, and it confounded many.
I don’t think there is a need for isolation or removal if love is your priority.
I don’t think we need to subscribe to social roles of division if someone needs help and we can provide that. I will always be grateful for the closure I was lucky to have. And my daughter will always remember her mother taking care of her father when he needed it most.
Well said, well said.
It really is well said, and it is exactly the type of discussion I was hoping for when I wrote this post. It affirms my decision to write it.
Thank you for your beautiful story! My ex-husband passed in 2009. My life would be a lot better If I was able to do what you did for my ex ! I am still struggling to deal with the guilt of not being there when he needed me the most!
Don’t let the guilt eat you. People get divorced for lots of reasons, and one of my friends felt guilty that she wasn’t a good friend to my ex when he died. I did what I feel should be done, and especially for my children, and you can see from the diversity of comments here the way people received that. It is difficult to move past guilt, anger, and several other emotions that can pop up around these issues. I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope you will reach a point of peace soon. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us here.
What a beautiful comment. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Erin, you are an amazing woman. My ex that I have known for over 50 years and was married to for 40, died 2 days ago. We have 4 grown children and 4 grandchildren. I am sick with grief. One daughter is in Florida with his new wife of less than 5 years making arrangements. The other daughter who is living and teaching in Shanghai keeps having her flights canceled during covid and has not been able to come home for 2 years. She did not make it home in time. She wrote his obituary. My 2 sons are beside themselves with grief. I was lucky to have been able to call and speak with him the week before his death. His wife texted me and told me when he was in hospice. The 6 months changed to 3 weeks and actually lasted a day and a half. So fast. So much grief. I loves this man to the moon and back. We just couldn’t make it work. He will always live on in my heart. I will attend the funeral if I’m invited. We shall see.
My Ex husband whom I have known for 40 yrs., Married to for 15 years and raised a son together passed away this week. I have never felt such grief in my life. We had remained friends through the years and I always felt life was better because he was in it. We kept in touch to see how each other was doing and our family’s. We just couldn’t seem to work through our marriage problems though we loved each very much. He later remarried and his new wife and I became friends. (I really grew up but a little to late.) I wanted to be in his life even if I had to see him with her. She has ask me to sing his favorite song and speak at his Celebration of life service. ( She said it was his request) My heart is broken for myself and my grown son. ( They never had children together) I need to do this but I don’t know if I can because of the enormous grief I am experiencing. I know it is the last thing I can do for him. I pray for God to give me the strength to do his last request of me. Thank you for this Blog.
I was married to my ex husband for twenty years and divorced for twenty years. He remarried twenty years ago and is still married. Over the last twenty years, my ex husband was miserable to me. A few months ago my son called me and told me he was dying. I cried for days and felt physically ill. I wanted to rid myself of these feelings by remembering how bad he was to me but the good kept surfacing. I will go to his funeral. I will not stay long, maybe a few moments. If my children need me there longer, I will stay longer. I do not want to disrespect his wife but my children are suffering and I will not let them stand without me. I have had a few conversations over the years with his wife and they have been very civil and at times seemingly kind. I do not know who will want me there nor does it matter to me. My grief is evident to everyone and I do not care what others think. Perhaps, if I did not have children, I would not go; but maybe I would. We feel what we feel and no one can control what we feel. If we do not do what we think is right, we will not have another chance to do so.
My heart goes out to you, as I had similar feelings myself. I threw up for 3 days upon hearing my ex had died. I think going to the funeral is an important way to close the book, and you don’t have to greet the family. I sat in the back of the church and I left without speaking to his family, other than my children. I think it is important for you to do what you think is right, because as you note there is never a second chance. If you feel moved to do so, you may want to extend sympathies at the funeral. Especially if you’ve had civil relationships with the family. I don’t think mourning with someone is ever disrespectful, but I am often in the minority of opinions.
Thank you Rebecca.
You are not needed nor wanted. Don’t go.
In life, if my ex thought that I wouldn’t attend his funeral he would have been deeply offended. Not everyone stays bitter after the divorce. Some people genuinely care about each other and do all they can to make things agreeable for their children. It’s too bad when controlling family members try to make a funeral about them.
Death is so final. We should do what we feel is right. There are no second chances or do overs.
Hi hun heard died 1 week after settlement agreement for divorce final. January 21st will be 1 year. I still hurti for was or could have been.
Rebecca, is there anything you wish you could have asked him before he passed? Like what his fondest memories were of the kids so you could be sure to remind them of it? I was married for a decade and now divorced for nearly as long, and out of no where a few days ago he is diagnosed with heart failure and being put on transplant list. He will have a major surgery on Friday to implant an LVAD and the surge itself has a high mortality rate. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I desperately want to find the questions I should ask so if the worst happens I can honor his memory the way he would want with our children. Any advice is welcomed.
Hi Daisy, Unfortunately, I have no advice and for some reason I wasn’t notified your comment came through. Apologies for the delay.
My spouse died during our divorce proceedings. He was very young. We had a rough marriage, and I was ready to divorce him, then he got sick. I stayed with him through his surgery and treatment and he was recovering beautifully, but we were still fighting a lot and I decided we should separate and think about divorce. He didn’t fight for me and got a point where he was happy living away from me and was continuing to live cancer free. Two days after I officially filed for divorce (which he did not know) he told me the cancer came back. I knew he may not live long since it came back so quickly. I told him a few days later that I did file and I felt awful and it has nothing to do with him being sick. I said I care and I wish I could be there. He told me to leave him alone and have a nice life and when I tried to reach out again his father told me we will only communicate through lawyers and never to bother him again. I had planned to reach out once the divorce was over. I offered him a generous settlement to try to get the process moving and help him out. He (or really his parents) got greedy and wanted more and dragged the case out despite the fact that he was going through treatment.He signed the divorce papers asking for long term alimony so I figured he was doing okay. Exactly one month later I was informed by my lawyer that he was dying and found out just 2 days later that he died that day. I am now a widow and am not able to attend his funeral and never got to say goodbye. I am in such an odd place because we were not together and have not spoken for months but he was my husband for years and now he’s gone and I had to learn through my lawyer. It is good to see I’m not going crazy and others understand the situation of grieving over a former spouse.
The death of a former spouse puts one in a very difficult and uncomfortable place. I ache for my children’s loss and the unfinished business between their father and myself. I cry alone.
I’m where you were. My kids are grown, know I’m here for them, but they’re close to his wife and the siblings. I’m mourning alone.
You filed honey. What do you expect?
This is the most intolerant, ignorant comment ever imaginable. Ex-significant others of all stripes can and do attend funerals of their exes. It is common. Most people are fine with it.
Sharon, I think you are correct. Ex significant others attend funeral services far more often than we would think. I have no data to support that, however. Thanks for commenting.
My ex wife just passed away, Her family hates me. But 3 years after we were divorced, she and I re connected-as if it were yesterday. She did not tell her family that we had connected again.It was beautiful.Hef and I kept it a secret. With in the next year of getting back in touch, she passed away.I felt as if I lost her twice, I loved her so much.We had a deep connection, that I truly believe I will never experience again. I did not go to her funeral out of respect for the family, even though it killed me inside, I think I made the right decision.
This is exactly my position . Thank you for writing about it.
I have read this column anx many others and have came to a conclusion. It seems with woman divorce men they remain attached to them emotionally. It is very illogical. 50% of all marriages end in divorce and woman initiate 80% of them. It seems to me there is alot of guilt out there.
I echo Dan”s comment. You chose to divorce him becasue there was no more passion or whatever. You went your separate way and when he died you built up this fiction in your head. The fiction that he still cared for you or you cared for him. In reality when you say your ex and you became friends it was becasue men will say anything and do anything to keep away from drama including smiling and. Being nice when they want to rip your head off. Usually the family feels the same way and most of the time they smile at you and roll their eyes behind your back.
What is wrong with this society is we forget there anr consequences to every action. By divorcing yourhusband you gave up any rights to grieve in public as part of his family.
It is very noteworthy men don’t try to attend the funeral od their exs becauae what is the point.
So accept your decision, cry alone if you have to and simply accept your social position.
I call bs. I am in a position where I have divorced from a woman who wanted nothing to do with me. I made too many mistakes in our marriage. Ironically, I am still fairly close to my ex mother in law. I was on speaking terms with my ex father in law until he died of cancer almost 2 years ago.
I have been divorced from my ex for just over a year. She was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in January. Currently she has days to live. I have 3 wonderful daughters. My ex mother in law still speaks to me. She and other family members (on the other side) are very understanding. I will be going to the funeral to support my daughters. I will also grieve.
For those who have a blanket statement as to what exes should do. It is not fair. Most situations are unique. For those who are contemplating on what they should do in respect of their ex spouse, do what the situation merits. If there is animosity between you two, maybe it is best not to attend the funeral.
It should be up to the people involved. Not any outsiders who know nothing about the details.
My ex husband died 6 months ago . We had been divorced for 13 years . He banned me from the funeral and i still feel so sad i was not there for my children on the worst day of their lives . My middle son blames me for his death from cancer because i divorced him – makes no sence and i am destroyed now.
Well of course you were banned….. What makes you feel like you have a right to be therem
As a domestic partner of a man who recently and unexpectedly lost his ex-wife and mother of his two young children, I feel very lucky that the family of his ex afforded him full participation in her services. This was a gift. We asked permission from the family that I could attend. They agreed with some requests regarding where I was seated during the services. I was more than happy to oblige.
This idea that once divorced, love ends, feelings go away, etc is not reasonable or acceptable in my opinion. And yes, sometimes over the past few weeks I have felt hurt by some of my partner’s feelings, but then I take a step back and remind myself that it isn’t about ME. He is allowed to feel sad, mad and deep loss over his ex wife! He has a right to grieve her loss. They were friends a very long time and just because their marriage didn’t work doesn’t mean they didn’t love each other.
Not only that but now his two very young kids have lost their mother. This has created fear like I’ve never seen. That fear is not unfounded. He has a right to all of his feelings about this loss and woe to anyone who says differently in my presence.
To anyone who has commented here that because the writer was divorced she shouldn’t feel, shouldn’t do, shouldn’t care about whatever – YOU ARE WRONG. You are cruel. And I hope you never face such disenfranchised pain. Grief space is the emptiest, loneliest space on Earth. How dare you compound that with your cruelty.
I love my partner and his children. Therefore, I love his ex-spouse because without her, none of them would be who they are. She deserves to have as many people as possible carrying her forward – loving her unconditionally and by doing so, honoring her legacy. Suggesting an ex doesn’t have a right to do those things is like saying “I’d like less people to love my loved one…” how completely short sided and ridiculous.
STOP IT.
Why in the world would you think your feelings are more important than his current wife and family? If you know your presence is unwelcome and will cause pain, just stay away out of respect for them.
This column is for ex spouses. Sorry you’re grieving, but there’s lots of support for you and not much for us. I sat at the back of the church, but I was there for my children who were crying during the funeral. His new wife handed his ashes to my daughter rather unexpectedly one day and married some other guy 3 months later. I think I grieved more than she did.
Simple. You just don’t get it. Divorce and the consequences are you lose your place and right to grieve. Just because her family smiled and said ok doesnt change that. Tbey were probably rolling their eyes and counting down the time when you and your “partner” would be lut of their hair. You have no moral autbority to speak here.
I totally agree that just because you have divorced doesn’t mean the love ends for that person. I recently lost my ex husband 4 years after our divorce and it has been so hard coming to terms with this. I did attend his Memorial service and I actually wrote a poem for his obituary and was even mentioned as his long time spouse of 47 years. I could have never NOT attended his service with our three adult children and our grandchildren. There has been some really mean and uncalled for comments on this post and it seems most are from people who have not even experienced this kind of loss. Where is your compassion? You should think twice before making such blatant and ugly comments.
Oh stop being so dramatic.
Oh come on. We have rules for a reason.
I agree. Such hateful, hurtful comments. I wonder why they have such strong feelings and why they think it’s any of their business. My ex-husband and father of my children died without warning in January and this has been the hardest five months of my life. I am grateful that I was included in the planning of services and was able to deliver a eulogy. I am also fortunate that his wife and I have forged a friendship that allows my children to continue their relationship with their younger brother. I challenge people to think outside of their antiquated boxes and do something different that might be better for their children. I’m also incredibly sad to read the stories here of those who have been specifically excluded by their former in-laws. Seems like adding more sadness and heartbreak.
I wish you would consider it. It is something a lot of people can relate to. More so than I ever would’ve thought. Thanks!
Today this became a reality for me. I was married for 18 years. We have 3 children together. Divorce was not because I didnt love him, it was because he was an addict…. I could no longer put my boys or myself through that. 8 years after divorce he has passed away. Complications from drug use. I am remarried and my youngest son has been adopted by my husband. The oldest boys are grown, 22 and 19. I have a wonderful relationship with his father, but his mother hates me. At 48 years old he has lived with her since the divorce. I really expected this to happen…. I said to my-self that I didnt care and would not go to the funeral. Now that this is real, im sure that I said those things out of anger. Only said to my “now” husband, never to the children. The older boys do not have a relationship with him. They do not approve on his lifestyle and for that reason choose to stay away. As for the 9 year old… he knows his step dad is now his adopted dad, and he of course has no memory of his bio-dad.
So ~ my internal debate is, do I go? Do I insist that the grown boys go? Do I take the 9 year old? How does my new husband’s feelings come in to play? How do I handle his new wife, that he met in rehab?? How do I handle his mother, who blames me?
strange feelings im having. While I know Im not in love with him…. there is still love in my heart for him. 20 years, 3 beautiful children we had together.
I still have to find a way to tell my boys….. sad day 🙁
I feel very sad for the people who hold so much hatred in their hearts toward the ex spouse.
My ex husband and father of my children died 8 months ago.
Our divorce was horrible. We did not divorce because the love was gone but for the well being and safety of our children. I loved him and he loved me even though our marriage ended. He remarried (although I can’t say happily) and I responded her even though she didn’t respect me.
I was basically the first person she called to notify when he had passed. I took it so hard that she actually apologized to me about his passing. I was in complete shock and disbelief.
And just how was I supposed to tell this to my 3 children that their daddy had died?!
It was hard.
Marriage is a very personal relationship and I don’t think there is a perfect cookie cutter answer that is right for everyone. So NO ONE outside of said relationship should ever dictate what is right or wrong for anyone.
My divorce was HORRIFIC. His family hated me beyond words. I hated them we fought over the phone. But as time passed we set aside those differences and kept in touch. We had a lot of history together. Family is Family no matter what. Even though we divorced we were still the parents of 3 beautiful children who loved us both.
This man was no longer my husband but he and his family is still very much part of my family tree.
His entire family still loves me and actually prefers me to his new wife.
I went to the funeral. They asked me to sit in front next to her. I declined and sat behind her. I wish no disrespect at all.
During the funeral I think I probably cried more than anyone else in the building. His niece had her arm around me comforting me.
At the end of the service I hugged his new wife long and hard and told her that I loved her and that we should not see each other as being on different sides. I said “we are on the same side”.
It’s still hard every day is hard. We all miss him so much. And you people who judge someone else’s marriage as if you know better than they I say you are wrong. Very sad and very wrong. Hate is never the answer. Even if there is a divorce.
Im so glad I found this. ..my ex-husband died 3 weeks ago, very unexpectedly. We had been married 23 years, 3 grown children, 5 grandchildren. He had remarried twice, and I’ve been remarried almost 8 years. He was 49. I’m not going to blame him for our marriage failing, we were young and both made mistakes the last 2 years of our marriage, which we regret, but were the ultimate demise of our trust in each other. Luckily, last summer we met several times and talked, so I can honestly say we were not fighting or enemies anymore. I have cried, felt sick, depressed, etc. in the weeks following his death. I have visited his grave. I’m just glad to find I’m not alone in all these emotions.
I think that it comes down to forgiveness. My ex husband passed away on 4/10/17. While I can’t go to the funeral, I did write my condolences on his memorial page. I do forgive him for cheating on me and turning me into a Puddle of insecurities. I pray for his family and hope they will be alright.
I was with my ex-wife for 9 years and idk what to do we’ve been separated for a year now and she just passed. I’m lost right now – can anyone help me? I’m pretty sure the family had a hand in her death.
Mine just died last week….have not cried once.he treated me,my son ,and my family horribly….he trashed my brother two weeks before ( my brother) died on my mother’s home..my family is not unhappy at all about his death….I had to drive home tonight and pretended he was on the seat next to me and I told him how he cheated me out of a loving marriage and happiness.i think I can let go after spending an hour yelling at him . He was selfish,mean, narcissistic,and he sucked being human.. I can’t feel sad about his death…not a loss….oh….he was on a dating website called plenty of fish….using the pictures of him on our honeymoon! Worst husband ever
Hi me and my spouse have been separated for almost 1 year… Sunday a week ago he passed away… Not yet divorced and I lost the father of my 3 sons… I don’t know how to deal with it…
The only problem with this article is that the advice is for those who no longer get along with their ex-spouse. It sounds like good advice. But it doesn’t really give any advice for how to grieve for an ex-spouse that you still admire and even love. I guess because it’s pretty obvious you would grieve, genuinely. I cannot believe some of the bitter anger displayed on this board from those who criticize the original poster. Sure, we are only getting one side of the story, fair enough. But it seems like the critical comments are from people who are geninely angry and perhaps envious that they themselves cannot be so forgiving.
Thank you TGR, I agree.
I just lost my ex husband which we actually married 2 times. We also divorced 2 times. I met him at 16 we have 3 children, 15 14 and 9. We were together for 17 years all together. We still loved each other. I still love him. There’s so much more to this story but I need someone to talk to. I’m drowning here I cry when I’m alone. I’m just so lost. He died at 35 I’m 34 years old that’s most of my adult life.
My x-husband just passed away. My daughter is his youngest. His first wife was there with their 2 adult boys and her new husband. I sat on the front row with my daughter and his mom. His 3rd wife (current but separated) sat on the he front row as well well composed. 😡🤛🏽 I grieved because he was once the love of my life and an excellent father to my daughter. He left me to finish raising her alone. She is 14. My boyfriend and I have had a rough time since his death as he does not expect me to grieve. My heart is broken in a million pieces. My co-parenting partner is gone!
Death is the involuntary separation of a husban or wife. But divorce is a voluntary one. I think that a divorced person suffers both separations when his or her spouse dies. If they had children together it is good to attend the funeral to confort them. Otherwise not attending is best to not hurt the feelings of your ex spouse’s family or to cause unnecesary controversy with your presence.
It is not in poor taste, who wrote that crap, my ex just died, they had a private cremation, and going to scatter his ashes, but u better believe if I had children with him I would have been there for them, it’s not like middle School and you can’t sit with us, it’s about paying your respects to someone you shared your life with, no matter how nasty it got in the end. There are always the good years to remember, and how you felt, vacations you took, holidays, and if there are children, the feeling the first time you held them together….
Wow!Yeah this is quite a shock for me. I met him when I was 15 and we lived together for the next 12 years.Never had kids with him. I left him for another man. I believe I hurt him. Ive been married now for 25 years, had 2 kids, and live in the same small county as he did but I never saw him…anyway for alnost 30 years. Only time I ever thiought of him was when a song came on and sometimes early on, I had dreams where I was with him or was choosing between him and my current husband. I remember one dream of him was very exciting and one I was crying when I woke up as I wondered where my current husband and life had gone, Anyway, I just learned he had passed away at 59 from early dementia 3 months ago. I was floored! I felt a tremendous guilt! Guilt for not reading the paper and going to the funeral mostly. But also because I didnt know he had been struggling. Why didnt I stay friends with him? Im sure his new wife he married a couple years after we split up wouldnt have allowed that. I wanted to know if it was in the paper and found it. There was a place to send condolences and write something, and i I didnt know what to say. It said to share a memory so I started to write but I took it out as it didnt sound or seem right knowing his wife of 25 years would read it. Then the sadness kicked in and I srarted to cry again.I realized I couldnt have gone to the funeral even if I was invited and Id have to do my grieving on my own. I finally wrote” My condolences to those who loved him as I did, and I always will”. That was it. I still dont understand my overwhelming sadness except to say something I read: We grieve because we love.
Brenda you did right not to go to the funeral. You left him for someone else and probably hurt him. You made your choice now you must live it.
Hi and thank you for writing about this topic, is so interesting and it’s something no one thinks about until you are living it. I’m not the one who’s ex died, I am the wife and my husband’s ex died. They were married 12 years and have 2 children(young adults now). They had been separated for about 3 years and divorced for about 2 when I met him. Their marriage was so bad police was often involved. The children were raised in a harmful environment due to her mental illness. Everyone suffered, including me, af 1st being in the middle and at last being hated, insulted, by my husband’s kids and his ex. This is what she wanted, for her kids not to have any relationship with me nor my kids. Now that she’s gone and of course my husband is greiving, I feel stupidly confused and a bit hurt. I’m supporting him the best I can, advised him to run to his kids when she died and as always, encouraging him to contact them even though they also didn’t want to have much to do with him due to our marriage. Is anyone experiencing something similar?
I went to the funeral, I held my head up if not high, hid my wretched sobs and was the last to leave his graveside. I am still in so much pain I can’t function. But I have to, because I’m the only parent, he left no life insurance & my kids need me.
Thank you for this. My ex husband passed away yesterday after a long illness. To say that I’m confused about my feelings is an understatement. It did not end well and there is animosity between myself, his mum and his sister. We do not speak. There are no children and yet I can’t stop crying. I know that I should go to the funeral, but I can honestly say that I’m scared.
Hi Rebecca, I found my situation is similar to yours, i.e my husband divorced me in 2012 and passed away in 2016, just 4 years after we have divorced.
When he died I have to make all funeral arrangements, make a loan as he did not have any funeral cover.
On his family side nobody made an attempt to say thank you. During and after the funeral I was prime suspect since he died in a shooting incident. Still his family does not talk to me, but they expect me to financially support the rituals that goes with the death of a loved one.
I can get over all of this, the divorce alone made me vulnerable, after this last incident I feel worse.
Please help
My ex spouse is dying stage four liver cancer- no treatment – he can hardly walk. A friend told me. I wrote him a note giving him my phone numbers if he just wants to say hello or talk, I offered to assist him if he chose or want me too. I cried for months when he served me the papers but at the same I felt more free than ever- I couldn’t talk to him after or even before leading up to the divorce. He is an alcoholic and I felt that I had no strength left to talk or try to talk during that time. The divorce was final 6 years one week ago and we were married almost 26 years when Eric split… today I can’t stop crying
Thank you for sharing what you have been through.
My ex husband just died October 13th. We had no children and we were married for almost 9 years. We’d been divorced for about 3 years.
Even though I knew he was sick we kept in touch yearly via email. I didn’t hear from him again since last summer and reached out to him via email in July. Not hearing nothing had me a little concerned and when I finally didn’t hear from him after my second email in August I reached out to his business associates and friends. They too hadn’t heard from him since last summer.
I decided to grieve him and “buried” him in September. It was last Friday when I received a text stating that he passed away on Friday that brought the finality of our relationship. I went to work that day in a fog and enjoyed the distraction of it although there were moments when I did cry thinking of him. It was when I got home that night that I couldn’t stop crying. I reached out to my employer assistance program and called for counselling.
I can’t stop thinking of him even though I have moved on with my life and have a new person in it. I’m finding myself crying at odd times, something will trigger Brad and I’ll see him for a moment and recall a memory & just cry. I miss him. I can’t stop thinking about him especially even more so now that he’s gone 😔
I know my grief is real and I can own it. I would love to go to his funeral and at the same time know I can honour him without that attendance especially since his mother and sister didn’t care for me when we separated. I don’t want to go somewhere where I’m not invited for one. I would like to see where he is laid to rest if that is possible. If not I know I will be ok.
Thank you for letting me share. I feel so alone and know deep down I’m not 😞
My husband passed this last weekend in another state in an accident, we had four children, adults now, they want me at the funeral. I have not spoken to his family since the divorce I’m torn I’m sad I’m angry I want to be there only to support my devastated children what do I do?
Hi Rebecca thank yo for this article. My ex of only 3 months died the other day. The funeral is tomorrow. I am going I am devastated. I left the relationship because I couldn’t cope any longer with his alcoholism and abusive behaviour but I still loved him.
Divorce is a hard thing. Death of an ex spouse is even harder. I have been divorced from my ex over 30 years. He lived a hard life and died as a result of it. I grieved his death knowing all that he could have been. He had such great potential that he never lived out. I am glad that he is out of his pain.
Wow! I’m going through a very intense time of grief for my ex right now! He died in July 2017. We were childhood sweet hearts and married for 18 years. Terrible divorce totally my fault! Never list my love for him though never got to say I’m sorry! He remarried but let it be known he still hurt! Our children are all grown. Many regrets. I was able to go to three hospital to say good bye but he was out of touch with the world and surroundings. I still love him and he did me. Didn’t go to the funeral out of respect for his wife. Wish I had gone! This grief has taken me by surprise! We’ve been divorced for 33 years and a lot of emotions had been worked out. I’m grieving what we had dating and together as a couple in love in marriage. When love goes awry! It hurts! I’m trying to get through this pain!
Sounds familiar to my situation. We still loved each other very much but we were both with new partners.
I went to funeral and was invited to be part of the line and wore a beautiful dress and jewelry he gave me. I don’t regret anything.
I wanted to ask how your adult children are treating you now. Mine are so distant and they are only wanting to be around his wife. It saddens me, of course because I feel so alone, its killing me. I am also trying to get through this pain.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am also grieving the death of my ex husband and the father of my two children. He passed away in March of this year and I am still really sad and broken up about it. Xoxo
I am struggling with the death of my ex, even though we were divorced and he had a girlfriend, I still loved him deeply.
Our stories sound similar, his family hate me and blame me for all the negative of our past. But I went on and changed my life and the lifestyle ( drink n cocaine). He never did stop the nightly drinking ( not sure about other) but I know they stated in that madness! I always thought he’d not make 50 but I thought it would be his lifestyle. So when I got the call from the police to say he’d been killed in an RTA and that I needed to go break the news to our 12 year old. My world felt like it ended, all the what ifs, buts or maybe’s were over!
I’m slowly coming to terms with his death, but the battle for support from his estate to assistant with the upbringing of our daughter, is extremely stressful and money is already tight to mention, with his support ceasing instantly.
I am still crying at the most inappropriate times ( driving etc)
But I am restoring the faith I had prior and praying that all the old hurt and feelings, I’m now reliving subside and let me be ‘free’ as I never was prior and let me make a life to cherish and more memories for our daughter and be the best Mum I can be to all my 3 children.
I believe I had more right at his funeral than most of the others there, we shared a life together and our 12 year old daughter, needed her Mum there to honour the life we shared and the life we created together.
Just because something ends, doesn’t mean the feelings fade…death is final and I hope to find peace in my soul 🙏
Wow. Thank you for this. Im 66 and my former spouse died suddenly 2 weeks ago at age 67. He was in my life for 48 years for om datng and engagement to 22 years of marriage one child now 37 and then almist 20 years of staying connected and kind helpful and respectful to each other. I never remarried and recently thought well we can help each other out in our old age
I am now in the deepest well of grief ive ever been in
I feel like a tree with 1000 leaves on it and one by one a leaf falks and a new memory appears of happier times when we were young in love and had our daughter. My heart is broken at this loss and mostly seeing how his death has devastated our daughter
I was part of the funeral even read a poem. His family and friends were kind and offered sympathy. There were a couple of people who snubbed me but i just saw how stuck they must be to be judgmental and act on it 20 years after a divorce
I am getting counseling and have cried and cried
It comes in wAves is dark and lonley. It is grief and i am allowing myself to feel every morsal of it. I journal. Write notes to my ex. Pace and ralk with him
He is in my heart and will remain there as my daughter moves through her life
I will comment because every story is different. I was married for 17 years and have a beautiful daughter as a result. Although the marriage ended we remained friends and came together to do everything for our daughter. He never remarried. I did remarry two years ago and my new husband and him were also nice to one another. The last six months of his life he decided to begin dating a much younger woman. He had gotten involved in a domestic abuse relationship where she beat him up. He called us several times very upset. His sister and I tried to help but he pushed us away. When he passed away suddenly it was a shock for his family and my daughter and I. My daughter is 25 now and lives away. I made the drive that evening to tell her father passed away. We were upset and needed to figure out what to do next. We stayed there for a week in support of my daughter. We attended the funeral and helped wheee we could. My daughter even listed me in the obituary and former spouse and friend. Why unusual yes, but that was the truth. We stilled cared about each other. I have taken his passing harder than I realized even though I’m remarried to a wonderful man. There is not a public grief but grief is definitely there. Even six months later I cry and miss his presence in our daughter life. My friends know I grieve his passing and wish everyday I could have done something more to help him. I believe he know now that he is in heaven, and he sees how much he was loved by his family and yes even his ex wife. I should write a book on this subject because the grieving is real even if you are divorced from that person. To the families that want to bring ugliness and hate when someone passes away, shame on you. Embrace for the people who are brave enough to continue to love even though divorce was part of their journey. Do something different when it comes to a funeral. Learn to love instead of hate. It will open doors that while maybfeel odd, will show your heart what’s good in the world. God bless to all the ex”s who choose to attend funeral out of love for family and children.
Hi, Thank you for sharing. My ex- husband died 5 months ago and I am grieving his loss. He was a good man overall but I made some mistakes and our relationship could not be repaired so we divorced. I continued to have feeling for him but knew that I could not stay with him. It surprised me that I had strong feelings after his died and deep sadness even though I was hurt in the relationship in the end. I am thinking of driving to his grave and say what I need to say to him to help let go of these pend up feelings. After the divorce, they dropped his dog off at the pound and that God they called me so I could save his life and get my beloved dog back. It suck to loss someone that you love eventhought you divorced and could not stay together. Moving on with tear in my eyes for his loss. Bye
Rebecca, I just read your Divorce & Death and find it to be a great read. Looks like you too do not have much family support that I feel is key to any survival. I am going through divorce after 15 years and constant infidelity, STD test mailed to the house, females using his phone to contact me and our daughters. I should have left him years ago, but I loved him like I have never loved a human before.
I am also grieving my sons recent death. Death does give finality and in a horrid way but your words are very true. Divorce brings about fighting every idiot that associates themselves with the spouse you are divorcing.
I can give you one item that may or may not please you. Your deceased ex husband fought for custody either to hurt you or because he loved the children.
My soon to be ex husband abandoned our daughters during a time they were grieving their older brother who was more of a father than the ex hubby soon to be.
He financially cut us off, and more so the girls as they are active ballet dancers performing poetry on pointe that is the timeless classic of all of our lives. They tell a story in their ballet that is so powerful I find myself at my lowest point being the luckiest parent alive!
I can assure you there is always some person who has it worse and I am that to you.
You are inspirational and I hope you write this book. I would think there is a fit for all walks of death too.
My ex abandoned his daughters for a 19 year old mom who consistently uses his phone to text our daughters posing as him and sends me photos of her. She is a gorgeous young teenager. Why she is with him? I do not know. Father daughter issues meets Pedophile?
Thank you for your words I just read today,
Jackie Brown-Bilyeu
Huntington Beach, CA
After reading all the messages, I realize I am so lucky. My ex (we were married for 29 years) died a over a year ago. He was cremated. There was no funeral. Our children and I remember him all the time with each other in conversation and they spread his ashes together to say goodbye to him.
My ex and I were divorced for 50 years! You can imagine my shock when two and one-half years ago, he came back into my life. His wife had passed away two years prior. His first letter out of the blue stated he wanted to see me, that he still loved me, gave me his number to call. To make a log story short, we wrote for 2 1/2 yrs In our correspondence our feelings grew more strongly and happily we fell back in love with one another. We were ecstatic. We vowed to finally meet after all these years. Here is the ultimate clincher. My ex called me one day to say he went to the doctor to have tests made. After the tests were completed he called again to tell me the bad news. He had Prostate Cancer Stage IV. Once again — SHOCK set in. Why was this hapopenind to us. Everything came to a halt with a snap of the finger. He was given his death sentence, 5 months was max. the doc told him he woudl survivce. We went through his illness, he called, emailed and talked on the phone. Two weeks ago he took a turn for the wors and passed away. I am just heartbroken we never did get to meet, tell each other our finallgoodbyes. I am still suffereing his loss.
My ex’s adopted daughter took care of him 24/7. Although I never met her , we only exchanged email’s twice to let me know of her dad’s illness… I heard there was a memorial to take place with just close family and friends. I have not been notified to attend. From the sound of daughter’s emails’s they were stern but not friendly towards me. Perhaps she thought I was the outsider trying to come back into my ex’s life. He was the one who conatacted me! She is headed for a nice chunk of an inheritance and perhaps that must have been on her mind why she was not too friendly with me. Believe me, I had no desire to interfere with their lives. My ex had made ammends with me these past few years and could not do enough for me while he was alive. I will chereish our new found love for each other forever that was never meant to be.
Any comments would be appreciated.
Annonymous.
My ex-husband was on life support for 6 weeks before he died of respiratory failure. After 2 weeks of being taken ill his wife phoned to tell me that he wouldn’t be able to make his planned visit. We were very concerned about him so I tried to get an update every 2 or 3 days. As a nurse I had some understanding of what he was going through and I would not have wished it on anyone. I don’t think it was wrong to feel compassion for him in this situation but his wife said that all his family and friends were laughing at me for still loving him. I had been very much in love with him at the time when she took him away from me but my feelings had changed over the years. We shared a mutual responsibility for our children. If I had not been concerned for his well being surely that would make me cruel and heartless. I thought how inappropriate it was for them to feel that they are able to laugh at such a sad time. I think wifes can feel very threatened by ex-partners when they have children together and can say some ridiculous things to try and hurt you. I was not told about the funeral which was arranged very quickly. I found that out for myself and drove 300 miles so that my boys could attend. Our children who had not been allowed to visit their dad in hospital wanted to say goodbye to him so it was important that I got them there. I would have let our boys stand in the front with the rest of the family but they were pushed to the back and were looking round for me so I came forward to join them. If any of the 150 people there had a problem with me standing with our children at a time of grief when nobody else would then shame on them. I did not cry, I held my head up high but I did feel a deep sense of grief inside as I remembered the love we once had but couldn’t hold. I think there is a real social taboo about this kind of grief. To some extent it’s like you are reliving the pain of breaking up as well as grieving for what your children will never have a chance to tell them. All those milestones, all those memories that won’t be made. I never felt that I was able to express my grieve or talk about it to anyone else but my children. I think it helps them to know that there father was once a very special man in my life and we shared some amazing times.
in this time when he is dying of pancreatic cancer.. with a new wife.. and my children doing all they can to be there.. and me telling the good stories of him to them.. like the colour of his eyes… and how he was when they were little.. and that he could hold their babies..In the meantime I cry and am sad that he won’t be here as I thought he would, for all the fun ahead.. now realizing that he would still be working because that is what he needed to do.. always. He was not bad … he just needed a bit more time to realize how important the kids were…. and they are being thoughtful and i am saying what i know he liked and that seems ok to them to try… i hope he gets it now..and relaxes in that joy of them so they know he loves them.
as for me, going forward. i will go to the funeral and hold their babies. i don’t care what anybody thinks. he and i shared all our firsts and it was amazing. he gave me wonderful children and I am sure that they got his brains and my creativity .. smiling.
i am going to be brave because it is hard to know what to do. where to sit at the church.. i will sit with my kids and hold babies. i loved his family. it should be ok. i will take whatever comes. he was my husband and friend and for so many years, everything that was my life.
thank you for your place to say what i have to say.
Me and my husband are divorse no children he died Friday May 11 2018 I found out from my friend about his death! His funeral is Monday 14 but the whole day Sunday I’m so down thinking about coming or not to the funeral coz in my mind we are divorse already and i dont want peope to say what im doing there my mind saying no but my heart pushing me to go! I decided to go to his funeral to see him and say goodbye for the last time I don’t care what people think about me or say about me but I know in my heart he’s happy that I came smiling down
I am glad now I googled this topic coz ur article brought me some level of comfort. Even with the good and the bad and the fact it’s been almost 20 yrs since our divorce he was and always will be the luv of my life. RIP George.
Thank you for this. My ex spouse died suddenly yesterday. I was still friends with him. I’m pretty devastated.
How about a resource for those of us who lost a spouse while in an extremely rocky marriage, but never got around to the divorce part?
Hi Tom, I can look into putting that together.
I just lost my ex-husband we were married 19 years and divorced 18 years. We maintained a family bond for holidays and birthdays for our daughter and grandchildren. I have never sooke ill of him and when asked by my grandchildren why we divorced i just always said hrandpa and grandma just couldn’t het along and left out the actual details of the reason for our divorce. You would think after 18 years being divorced you wouldn’t have this horrible grieving with the sick feelings and literally throwing up. Divorce doesn’t always end mean hateful and ugly. You married and had children and represented as a family for 18 years. People die but love doesn’t die. In both instances you have to just take it day by day. I feel for anyone in this situation because it is not easy.
I am faced with a similar issue right now. However my son’s father had very little to do with him up until his second wife left him. My son is looking to me for answers, and I don’t have them. I told my son “your dad will always have a place in my heart there was a time when he was my world. I know it seemed like I hated him, but I just was mad at him because of the way treated you. Otherwise he was a good man way deep inside”
I have always kept in touch with my ex’s family up until my son graduated from High school and joined the Army. I am going to go to my ex father-in-laws house later this evening. Him and I have always been pretty close. My ex mother-in-law on the other hand. She was never part of my son’s life much either. I will go to the wake or funeral because of my son. My ex husband Gane me the greatest gift if all…I need to be there for my son. Screw what anyone else thinks. My mom and dad want to go also.
I’m 53 and remarried now back to my 1st wife. My 2nd wife was an escort to whom i fell in love and after my 1st divorce we lived together for 9 months before getting married. Marriage was open as you might expect but there were boundaries and it worked for a while…..about 2 years of marriage after which we divorced. Two years after that she died and i didn’t go to the funeral as no one contacted me about her death or funeral so i assumed they didn’t want me there. She was a great woman and independent. We were very much in love . I still think about her daily .
I am sorry to hear of your pain George, I suspect that former spouses thinking of each other more often than anyone wants to admit. I also think this just amplifies when they die. Thank you for sharing on my post, and good luck to you!
This has been such a helpful article for me.
My ex- husband died a couple of days ago. We’d been divorced for about 25 years after 16 years and two children together. He since remarried and was separated from his wife, for all the same reasons I left him.
He was an alcoholic and basically drank himself to death. It was a terrible way to die. He never admitted he had an alcohol problem.
Our marriage break up was horrible. Adultery, violence, court orders, a real mess.
As we had two children together, I felt that never really got free as they were often subject to his horrible behaviour.
Until recently, I thought I’d never want to attend his funeral but I have been bowled over by my grief and sadness for the loss of the beautiful young man I met when I was a teenager.
I know that attending his funeral will open a lot of wounds but, as we never had any closure, it will be the final goodbye. I am not sure how I will handle it but I will be there for myself, as well as for my children.
I have been quite shocked at the tone of some of the anonymous posts. Those people should walk in our shoes.
I am not the least bit surprised by the tone of some of the anonymous posts. I am pretty well used to these types of attitudes from people, but I try to live my life according to what standards I think are right (not some anonymous posters, or not anonymous people that come up to my face with stuff). It is important for you to go to the funeral for yourself, and also for your children. After all, as I said, what message does it send to the children to behave in any other manner? Our children are always watching (even when we think they aren’t). I’m sorry for your loss and for that of your children. I hope you can be comforted and blessed during this difficult time in your lives. It gets better.
Hi 👋 I’m so glad I found this page this morning , I feel absolutely torn in pieces , my ex husband died yesterday , we were 16 and 18 when we met and were married by 20 and 22 I was married to him for twenty seven years probably only twenty four of those happily , he was always a drinker and turned alcoholic . I had my eldest daughter at twenty four and then struggled for ten years to have another baby which I did at thirty four , I stayed with him for my girls , he was never actually violent to me although he mentally torchured me all the time , anyway we divorced eventually he didn’t make a fuss or fight for me or my girls he didn’t bother to see them make any effort for them for over five years no birthday cards no Christmas cards nothing .. my daughter was so torn as to invite him to her wedding she wanted him there but didn’t want him walking her down the isle , or at the evening do in case he showed off as we called it … he came but didn’t speak to either me or my mum I had just lost my dad so mum and me were already grieving .. my dad was more like a father to my girls than thier father was , he forgot to pick them up from school as he had got drunk one afternoon , he took my nephew to a big football match years ago when my nephew was only four and forgot him ! He’d gone to the bar then went home and left my nephew at the ground on his own , so many things .. too many to write , I feel angry today I feel upset and I also feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders he threatened to set the house alight with me and my daughter init .. when I first left , the good news is I’ve re married to a man whose known me since I was sixteen and knew my husband and hated the fact I was with him .. he has told me he’d always loved me from the first time he saw me walk in the pub in nineteen seventy three he said he’s waited thirty years for me I love him more than I can say , but the fact is … why do I feel so sad 😭 I hated/ loved the father of my children ..
From what I’ve seen in myself, and coaching clients there’s a bond there that last longer than the marriage. After all, as you note you share children with him. There’s a lot we don’t understand about the world around us, including I think a lot of the non-physical aspects of the world (emotional, spiritual, etc.). Since the death of my ex, I have felt more relief than anything else, but I have also felt a great deal of sadness (more than people would expect). Also, experience has taught me that grief is no linear, so you might also be feeling the grief over the marriage. Thanks for the question and the comment Christine, I hope that you got some comfort from my post.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and story.
I just learned that my ex husband passed away.
Our differences were reconciled years ago.
We have 4 adult children.
I feel strongly about holding a space for my kids at the funeral.
I left a comment a week ago and no reply ?? I’m still in the same position my ex husband died a week ago
So sorry I didn’t realise the posts were in reverse order
No problem. I was pretty sure I replied, but once in a while I miss things.
Thank you so much for this little bit of insight. My Ex is in his final stages of life ( I hate cancer) and I am absolutely devastated. I didn’t understand why I am so sad and hurting. Been divorced 4 years and both of us have remarried. But this article has helped see that I am not alone and my feelings of heartbreak are normal. We were together 27 years – there is a lot of history between us, good and bad, but I have loved him since I was 17 and we have two adult children and 1 6month old grandson. Reading this has confirmed to me that I do need to be there and support my children and his family. Thank you
Shannon, I am sorry for your loss and for the pain your family is going through around this event. I hope you (and the rest of the family) can find what is nurturing to you during this sacred time of life, and that you can be gentle with yourself and honor your limits. I think it is important to be available to support, even as you read some of the terrible things said about me for taking that position. Not everyone can do it of course, but if you can it is good practice. I think this is especially true when there are children involved, as is the case here. Our children always see what we do, and in your case grandchildren, whether we think they see us or not. What we do sends a lot of messages out to them, and it is important our decisions are made with that reality in mind.
My ex husband is near death in hospice care. We were married for 35 years, and divorced because of alcoholism (both of us were drunks). I got sober, he didn’t. We have been divorced for 10 years. Neither of us has remarried. His family hated me, and he hated me as well. But at the end, we both told each other that we still loved each other. I can’t stop the tears from flowing. I feel physically sick and I am so dreading that final phone call telling me that he has passed. I wish I could find some way to end this pain. I don’t know how to recover from this. I can only hope that I can feel normal again at some point in time.
Sara, i am so sorry to read about your painful experience. I think what you are going through is part of the grief experience, sometimes it can manifest physically. When this happens to me I bake bread, specifically challah as it’s in my tradition. I don’t know if that sort of spirituality can assist you (I don’t know anything about your spirit and I don’t mean to be offensive), but maybe it is a way to begin healing. The pain unfortunately, can go on for a long time, but you can make it through this process to the other side. Have you considered writing a new narrative story for your life?
My husband’s ex wife cheated on him on more than one occasion during their marriage, which is why he divorced her. When he was on deployments she cheated also. His adult children never wanted a relationship with me because they couldn’t bare to see their parents apart, even though their mother has moved on 4 times.
Throughout our marriage, this woman has sent him private emails and phone calls at inappropriate hours (2am). She has sent pictures of herself to him and even moved across the street from us (years ago).
She and her husband stayed at my deceased brother in laws house during his funeral. We didn’t stay at the house and neither did his other siblings.
She can comfort her children in their father’s departure, but it won’t be at his services.
If she wants to pay her respects, she can send a card.
My husband always said his biggest regret was being with someone he didn’t love for so many years.
I was divorced 7 yrs when my ex died suddenly of a heart attack. We had been married 25 yrs. I still went for my children who were all adults. They wanted me there. I had always been respectful of the fact that he was their dad and never tried to put them in the middle of our problems. I was shocked by how deeply I have been grieving. It’s been a yr now and it’s still hard to imagine that he is gone. I was extremely encouraged by some of his “new” friends who came up to me and actually gave me their condolences, sincerely. There are plenty of people out there who aren’t as hard nosed as Dan. Where in the book of life does it say “ you forfeit your right to publicly grieve” just because you divorce someone. Quite close minded. Do what your heart tells you you need to do and maybe someone will learn to understand others better❤️
I completely agree with your comment. I don’t worry about the Dans of the world, in fact I wish them well and hope that they don’t get faced with some of the choices that I’ve had to make in life. Good for you, I am sure your children appreciated you for making the effort. I believe going to a funeral is about more than just public grief, but it was interesting how many of his college friends (and others) wanted to see me and extend condolences. I am sorry for your loss and for the loss that your children experienced.
Rebeccafein that’s the problem, you made it about you and how you felt.
No, I made it about my children and the message I wanted to send them. I did not make it about the Dans or anyone else of the world. I went, I didn’t approach his family, I hugged my kids, and that was that. As far as making about me, I am the one that has to look at myself in the mirror every morning and every night, so I hope that I make decisions that feel congruent with my value system and allow me to live in integrity with those.
KD, for some reason your comment did not have a reply button on it. I replied via email.
How DARE anyone proclaim that someone else doesn’t have a “right to grieve.” I say you have no right to sit in judgment of another human being.
Sharon, I agree they have bo right to judge me or anyone else that goes through this experience. I only offer my life and experience as a guide to others. Those who say people have no rights to emotional processes don’t understand emotions. Emotions are neither right nor wrong, they just are and we need to address them as they come. I wish all my critics well, as I always have. I also wish others peace that are going through these types of experience.
I realize that critics will go through an experience that others will say they have no right to, and I’m ok with them going through both their experience, and the criticism of their expression. I write so that others will not feel alone, so I’m ok with whatever nonsense people want to say to me. If you want to see some really nasty comments at me, check out my post called dear stepmother an adult daughter’s letter of grief. As if that experience weren’t painful enough, some of the comments were amazingly hateful, but I don’t care. I will not be silenced and I will speak my truth so that others may speak their own and not feel alone, which is partly why I wrote Tears in a Jar (my book).
Thank you very much for your comment, and I hope you have a blessed life.
Hi. Reading Death and Divorce of an ex was really helpful. My situation has a twist. Ok. Here we go!
I was married 18 yrs, 2 children.
I’ve been divorced 30 years, never remarried .
He remarried 28 yrs ago. Moved away. I’ve remained cordial to both.
He recently passed and requested no service.
upon asking, our adult children (45/47) have opted not to have a memorial here. They love/hate for many reasons. My thinking is: it’s their decision and I will honor it. But I keep thinking a memorial will give closure/finality as difficult that is, necessary. And that I don’t want them to be regretful 10 years from now, for feelings they are choosing to do nothing now.
Love him, hate him, but acknowledge his life.
Thanks for listening.
Hi Donna, what is stopping you from having your own memorial? One of the things I was struck by when my father died was how many people wanted to visit my brother and myself. I had moved away, but flew up and had a memorial dinner when he died at his favorite restaurant. We told stories about dad I read a eulogy I wrote. If you read my stepmother post, you know this was my only opportunity to have a memorial for my dad. I have complicated family relationships, like most people but for me it felt necessary to let people visit us…for them, not so much for me.
The grief on my ex was a bit if a surprise, but my husband always says not really a surprise. I think if you want to do a memorial, you should do so. Tell your children this is your way of saying good bye, or just have a private funeral as I did for myself when I got divorced. Your children may have moved on in their lives and don’t need to acknowledge the end of the relationship, but for you it’s a second end, a more final one.
Be blessed during this time of discovery. I only offer my decisions as a guide, I don’t believe in telling others how to live.
My ex wife is dieing of cancer mother of our 2 children ages 30 and 28 I raised them both from ages 10 and 8. I want to say goodbye my current wife says not to.She’s very firm on it. What do I do she doesn’t have long?
Hi John, thanks for commenting. Make sure your children know that your absence is not a reflection on them. Perhaps explain to your current wife why this is important to you, but don’t do anything to jeopardize your current marriage. Ask your current wife what she would do if it were reverse? I do this a lot with my husband when we disagree or I ask him what advice he would give himself (or me).
If nothing else, you can gather with your children and have a private memorial. Sometimes it is easiest this way. I am sorry for your impending loss and will pray for your family to find some peace and nourishment during this time.
my ex was an alcoholic. We were together from the time I was 19 to the time I was 30. I did love him, and I wanted to be married for life. When I woke up and stopped being a teenager in a grown woman body I realized that raising my son around a man who disrespected himself and his child and his wife, with the same frequency most of us breathe, was bad I divorced him and it wasn’t pretty or friendly or good in anyway shape or form. But I loved him, and never one time did i say a bad word about the man to his son. I was honest about his problems with drinking but never said a thing to make him think his dad didnt have a good heart- and only tried to help him see that if he could love him better he would. No way tht I could make him see this, eventually his dad moved away and didnt tell my son where he moved to, didnt allow him any contact numbers or even for that matter tell him he was going. This was the last moment my son knew of his Dad. He was 17 and that was it. My son is 27 now During the summer his dad tried to call him and with good reason my son was angry, I encouraged him to call him and listen to what he had to say… but he didnt and this week his dad died. My heart is breaking. Without this man I wouldnt have my strong and loving kind and beautiful son. But because of this man my son is aching and has to go on and figure out how to live with this regret and pain. I did love his dad, he saved me from a horrible life and wrapped me up with love and showed me I was lovable and I never knew that before. But I hate him for what he has done to our boy. I will always HATE him and love him.
Terri, I’m sorry for your loss and your son’s pain. I hope you both can find some peace. I do know what you mean on the love hate issue, as I’ve heard others speak about it. Your son has nothing to regret and be in pain about, your ex chose the path he did. My father and I had a similar situation closer to the end of his life. I chose to call and confront him, and i only regret that I didn’t do it sooner and that he was unable to hear me, not because of physical issues but because of his emotional limitations. Somehow toward the end of life people can get selfish and want to put their negativity on others, or as I hope was the case for your ex they want to resolve conflict and become better people. I am not sure what causes each response, but I’ve noticed it in my own life experience.
I have to say I am struggling with this right now and looking for answers, I have been divorced for six years after a thirty year relationship….24 of those years married. We have a 26 year old daughter. I am in a new relationship with a man that I love….he’s good, kind and genuine. My ex spouse is ill, I’m devastated. He is a narcissist and was difficult to live with but strangely the love is there, even to this day. I don’t know how I’m going to handle this because I just want to be there for him, I know he would be there for me. I honestly don’t know what to do because the man I’m with will not understand. I don’t blame him but I also can’t abandon my ex at this horrible time. My daughter is going to have a difficult time as well. I don’t want to hurt anyone and my heart is broken on all counts.
Nancy, I am sorry to hear of your struggles. As I am sorry to hear of everyone’s struggles that have commented, it is interesting how many people continue to be reached by this post. There are no easy answers, unfortunately and you will need to do what works for you. It goes without saying that being there for your daughter is important. As I advised someone else, I would suggest speaking to your significant other and asking what he would want if he were in your shoes etc. If it is really going to be an issue, find a way to make your daughter ok with you not going to the funeral. I think it is important as parents, that our kids see us and see that we are here for them, but not everyone can go to funerals for lots of reasons. I can understand where you are coming from both on the strangeness of the feelings and the desire to not hurt people, in addition to the broken heart. I had a conversation with my husband about all of this at the time of my first husband’s death and he agreed with me that I needed to go. I am saddened to read that so many people do not have that experience. Thank you for commenting and I am sorry I cannot be of much more help.
Thank you so much for this post. My ex died last month we have been divorced 15 years have 4 adult children and 3 grandchildren. I have remarried and when I heard about his death I was shocked at the grief and couldn’t explain it to anyone. All sort of emotions flooded. As my daughter went through his things and pictures it was like going through divorce all over. I started see a therapist but I feel I need to navigate through the grief and she isn’t doing that.
You’re very welcome, and yes for me too there were so many feelings of going through the divorce again that cropped up. It was challenging to put it mildly. Going to therapy might be helpful and I am glad you are taking that step. I think this type of grief is really unique and as you stated, often isn’t discussed (and you see some of the comments I got for breaking my silence about it here). I try to write about topics that are underrepresented and empower people to navigate circumstances otherwise suffered in silence. This circumstance seemed to be one of them, and I see a few others have also written about it. I’m curious, what do you mean the therapist isn’t helping you navigate through the grief?
Reading through your story, it felt as id someone had written mine only I lost everything even my toothbrush he and my step son made up stories and had me put in jail never to return again i lost my kids still fighting the judicial system unable to get a lawyer donto conflict of interest i wasnr even aloud to give my response to the court clerk for my divorce she took it started entering the information then all of a sudden she looks at the screen then me then grabs the papers and say i cant take these with no explanation is to why im besides myself thus him winning the divorce, ive been homeless since i was taken out of my home unable to get any of my personal effects refuses to allow me to see our son after 2 years kicks my 15 yr old out who hes raised since one and will not allow my family to see our 10 yr old or talk to him. Ive seen my step son twice in over 2 years my probation is almost to an end so now they put a stalking order on me hes taken my home my kids my clothes pictures of my family my grandparents wedding rings my parents mine old coins my rifles my truck i bought gave to finance company i had one payment left evrything he took it burned gave away or kept, hes an alcoholic 18pk of 16 oz beers a night every night u quit drinking several years ago i dont use drugs but because he said so my name has been ruined and i have a criminal record for telling my step son to go to his room yes im serious and my kids taken away. He found out a month ago he had liver cancer still wont let me see my son he died exactly one month after finding out december 7 2018 he died his funeral was the 14th i didnt go because my step son was their and he and his mother would of had me arrested. She has my 10 year old son now in my house with all of my belongings furniture clothes jewelry and dhs/cps is investigating whether or not i can have my son, because of his lies. His 1st ex hates me has tried ruining my life since my husband and i met calling cops on me for her harassing me saying its me taking his kids from him if he doesnt leave me brainwashing his kids and when she found out the daughter calls me mom she didnt come to see her dad for a year because the mother had to brainwash her to hating me and making it my fault she couldnt see her dad then she finds out about the son telling me he loves me we use to talk i was the one they came to for advice or someone who would listen and care he was brainwashed into having me thrown in jail. She owns her own 4bd house she doesnt need mine she has her own kids doesnt need mine what can i do she the 1st ex we only been divorced since august 2017 i think i e never been served papers other then stalking papers on the step son who now seen 3 times in 3 years how is that stalking? And he camr to me made it a poi t to approach me and i went the opposite way to not have any problems. Please help i need an attorney i had all my accounts emptied by him when he put me in jail, i supported us for the first 10 years while i went to school and took care of the household sonhe could get his business back up and running and when my income stopped his business started flourishing and i am out on street with nothing but the clothes on my back my cell that he had shut off. HELP anyone everydoor that seems to open i go to walk through only for it to slam in my face
Hi Jamie,
Unfortunately, you are not alone, your experience is becoming more and more common in Family Courts in the United States. Since telling my story, I’ve heard plenty of other women (and a few men) tell similar ones. I am not an attorney, so I am not sure how best to advise you, but if you haven’t done so already, I would advise contacting Legal Aid in your area and/or the Bar Association to ask about pro bono services (some states even require attorneys to do some pro bono work). I wish I had more that I could offer you besides the suggestions about attorneys and the knowledge you’re not alone.
Thank you for this article….no one to talk too so this helped immensely
Sandra, I am glad you found it helpful.
I just lost my r husnsnf, fsyhdt of mu at year old last .onyh. This is painful
My ex family does not like me but I am going to attend his memorial anyway for our adult children
My former husband is dying and in my solitude I cry. My heart hurts for our adult children who are suffering through this. Both children live in different parts of the country, and are here staying at a hotel close to the hospital with their Aunt. I had dinner with the three of them tonight. One son was crying and the other struggled to hold back his tears. In spite of the divorce we’ve kept up an amicable relationship.
Our son’s are the best of me and the best of their dad.
Today I am going to the hospital to see him.
I hope to bring him peace and healing.
The first thing that came to mind when my ex died suddenly was how the fighting and the bickering since the divorce 8 years ago was utterly ridiculous.
I went to the funeral. My ex mother in law even had me read scripture during the mass. Sat in the front pew with my kids. The priest was quite confused and I had to explain I was an ex wife.
Not being there for my kids never crossed my mind.
The responses of you shouldn’t go etcetera are truly sad.
I am still the mother of his children and nothing will ever change that. Lucky for me his mother is very loving and forgiving person as it makes this time of grief a little less hard for my kids.
After 29 years of being lied to, deceived at every turn about everything, left several times, I finally had had enough and petitioned for divorce pro se. Why pro se? Because he went through our savings for years, was brought up on racketeering charges under the RICO statutes and there was no money left. He told everyone that the reasoning as to why I did not receive alimony was because I left for another man. I was 63 years old when this happened. I worked for seventeen hours a day until I lapsed into diabetes II due to my cordisol levels being so high. I have up the notion of having another man years before because I throught our marriage would survive this constant beating. I divorced him four years before he was diagnosed with myleofibrosis and was eventually placed in a hospice. I visited him everyday. Now his memorial is upon the horizon and my grown daughters want me to attend. This is not what I want to do at all. Your description of a “viper room” is exactly what I expect. God help me. I will attend, as you did, and gracefully slip out. Thank you for your description, Rebecca.
Dear Anna,
It would seem there are several comments here that I’ve missed. I am sorry for your pain, but I am glad that my post touched you. Remember to honor your limits, it is important to support your children, but that doesn’t mean you need to speak to anyone. I sat in the back of the church and was surprised that some of his college friends wanted to reach out to me and sit with me at the funeral (and beyond). I spoke only with my children and those that spoke to me; his mother did not even know I had attended nor did my father know, I saw him at the funeral, but he did not see me. Try to remember this is an opportunity for you to say good bye and to close the book on the trauma you endured in dealing with these circumstances. In many respects, it is a memorial for your life together. I wish you freedom on the other side.
I was married for 13 years, and had three children ages 5, 3 and 1 when we divorced. I was 20 years old when we married, we waited 6 years to have kids, and after the kids were born I changed in many ways emotionally and saw divorce as the only way to find out who I truly was as a person. So, as impulsive as it was, we began our lives as co-parents, navigating the situations always putting the children first! We both adored our children. My ex remarried 2 years after the divorce. I have not remarried. I have always been very focused on raising my children, who are now all in their upper 20’s and early 30’s.
My ex died in February 2019. He had a heart attack, and lingered for a week in ICU with his wife and kids at his bedside. (He lived in Florida, one kid in AK, one in CA , one in OH) I felt helpless as a mother wanting to comfort my adult kids from the singe most devastating event of their lives to date. I was pushed aside as an outsider. When he died, I was asked to come down for the celebration of life, but was as good as a distant friend or relative. My grief was not welcomed nor accepted. I’ve been told I am self-centered and should get some professional help for my feelings of loss.
My question is, am I not entitled to my grief after the experience of 14 years of marriage, and creating 3 human beings in love?
The children are the result of our union, and my sadness is real and the pain of my kids is almost unbearable to watch, especially when they didn’t share it with me, only their stepmom.
It is the only issue I’ve ever had with my kids, and it’s definitely caused some unhealthy emotional feelings between us.
I need some clarity and gentle insight. No insults, please.
Mo, I am sure as many have left comments on my articles insulting me…someone will likely do the same to you, which I think is very unfortunate. However, I wanted to say to you that of course you are entitled to your grief and it is hurtful that the children did not share their grief with you. I think that the grief of a former spouse is often viewed with suspicion because we were already divorced so why grieve…but the reality is, this is a person who was a very intimate part of our lives for however long, and in your case you created children with. It is of course going to be different than many people think. If you look at what was said to me about going to the funeral you see what people wrote, but you also see how many people appreciated the post. The former spouse is in a strange position, having ended the legal relationship, but as you point out never really ending the relationship entirely because children are involved.
I am sorry for your loss. I hope my words have brought some comfort to your experience. I wish there were something more I could say to make this less painful for you. Please let me know how I can support you.
I’m not grieving my ex husbands death, hes much alive I think, however our 27 year old son passed away 10/2019 AND I do not believe my ex/ his father knows yet. How can I find him to tell him??
Krista, that sounds like a horrible situation. I’m not sure, and that’s a good question. If you’ve been divorced a short time, I would suggest reaching out to the attorney who did his divorce for him (that person might know). If not, maybe going to a site like truepeoplesearch or looking for him on Facebook? It’s not news I would want to send on Facebook…but might help you out. I am very sorry for your loss, please let me know if I can do anything to support you.
I’m wondering is it ok to post pictures of his younger years on facebook He is remarried and I’m not going to funral.
Hi Sherry, I think it is fine to post pictures of him in his younger years on Facebook. I actually posted several pictures of my family with my ex-husband on his find a grave site. If you have a decent relationship with the second wife and you’re concerned, you can ask her about it. If you don’t, I still think it is fine to post the pictures, just don’t sing joy to the world in the video or anything which people would deem as extremely insensitive. If you’re not grieving, that’s ok too, but he was a witness to your life and I think it is a nice way to honor what was. As I said, just don’t say nasty things along with the pictures. Feel free to reach out to me if I can support you further.
My ex husband passed away Monday, the viewing was today, I was asked to come by the youngest of our two daughters. Im home now and cannot stop wondering ,should I have at some point went back. It’s been 18 years since the divorce however we spent years going on trips and doing things with our girls, then we drifted apart somehow,….
His passing has literally torn me apart. Sobbing in pain. Neither of us remarried, when I went into our house the day he died, not one thing had changed. The pictures, the furniture, everything was still as it was when I left in 1999.
This ach Im feeling is for what could have been had he not cheated.I considered many times and even once very recently of contacting him. Just to see if we could possibly see eye to eye. It’s now too late, our girls are 26 & 29. They are grieving so I remain strong infront of them. WhoI got home,I lost it 100%, the service is tomorrow, should I go ?
I just received your comment today. I think going to the service is a great way to support your kids, but if it is too much then it is too much. Be gentle with yourself and let your children see that you’re also grieving. Fighting grief just makes it more intense. Feel free to connect with me if I can support you more.
Thank you for this!! My ex husband, adult children’s dad, unexpectedly passed at age 48. I am quietly beside myself because we divorced after my son was born. I loved him so much but he was too irresponsible. I spent the rest if my kids under 18 in court battles over dumb choices that were often dangerous for my kids. Not that he was purposely trying to hurt them. Even after they were adults I often warned them to be careful around him and his choices. I dont think I ever mourned my loss of him and now it has hit me so hard. But I feel like I have to hide it from my current husband and even my kids. I dont think anyone would understand the love we shared despite the bad times. I finally have a day off alone and plan to do something privately for myself to honor him. You sure I’m not nuts.
Hi Sarah, you are definitely not nuts. It a special grief in my opinion. If you’d like to talk about this more, I would encourage you to click the link to my calendar. https://calendly.com/life-after-storms/60min
My exhusband and I were together since I was 12 and he was 15. We stayed together, inseparable. We married in our twenties and after 2 boys. We always continued best friends. We both remarried out of like see I found someone else. We were miserable. But stuck thru for 13 yrs. Both of us had 2 girls. Then we were divorced from spouses. I stayed single. He got together with a man. He was so unhappy he became very sick. He would come visit from texas to Ca. He would hold me and kiss me. He told me I’m so sorry honey I was not nice to you. We told each other how much we loved each other. I would cry when when he left. He passed away from Covid 19, I cried I could not be with him. Last night Ifelt his arms around me. I felt so very peaceful. I am Praying he comes back to hold me.
Ann, I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope my words have given you some small comfort during this time. Death is never easy, and this is especially true for unacknowledged (disenfranchised grief) such as the death of an ex. I wish you peace and support during this time, and please feel free to reach out if I can assist you.
My daughters father and I had been split for three years and we had a good bad relationship… he was bitter and sick lung condition however I knew after my child was born his illness was going to end him one day so I panicked and started pulling away mowing I’d lose him. Well 8 years later nov 10th on my 8 year olds visit he woke up and died right in front of her our worst nightmare came true he knew that could happen and we knew it would happen he’d die but not so sudden everything was fine. Because we weren’t together I had no clue his breathing got so bad. Anyway I have had such a hard time memories good bad and the ugly I said horrible nasty things to him “like I wish you were dead” I feel so guilty in so many ways but he knew I loved him and how sorry I was for ending our relationship. It went to his service because I knew I had to say goodbye and for my child. I loved that man and I will alway love that man. It’s been a few months and still brings me to tears when I see his photos I can’t get past this and I’m trying for my kid because she saw the worst thing in her life and I cry for her I cry for him I cry for myself he left us and I feel guilty I know he was in pain everyday I miss him everyday he would always be the one to get me to smarten up. I will always tell my kid what a good man he was.
Amy, that sounds like a horrible situation. I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been for your child and for you. I am so sorry that you’ve had to experience that. Thank you for taking the time to share your story here.
My ex is passing, we were married for 18 + years, we had 5 children. When we divorced it was nasty, I never said anything bad about the kids father, his actions spoke loud enough.
The kids and I went on to live very productive lives. He didn’t.
Now, I get the call, ” your his emergency contact “. I was blown away. I haven’t spoken to his brother in years and had to call his brother.
Thankfully, the call has brought the brother and I together to work through this devastating tragedy.
I am so unsure of my feelings, all I can say it’s a roller coaster ride, with unexpected uncontrollable crying.
I then pull myself together and help the brother with services and what my ex would want. They didn’t have a close relationship and for now I am the sholder for him also.
My family and children are very supportive for what I am doing. Our marriage didn’t work out and our life together is gone. But, nobody should pass feeling alone. He’s the father of our beloved children and I still love him for that legacy he’s leaving behind.
Cecily,
That sounds like such an ordeal, and unfortunately I think it is more common than people like to think about. I am quite sorry for your loss and for that of your children. I am glad that you are experiencing some good things, like reconnecting with the brother out of all of this. Be kind to yourself during this time.
She ended it 10 years ago and eventually I moved on. Then she died and I don’t know how to feel. I can’t imagine going to her celebration of life; she won’t be there and it’s for her family and friends. I was neither but still get on well with her family. I don’t see a purpose to me going.
Thanks for your comment. If you don’t see a purpose in going, there’s no need to go. I feel everyone should be empowered to make their own decisions on the topic. I’m very sorry for your loss.
I am right there…right now..We finalized divorce after 18+yrs of marriage,23 yrs as a couple.. I was awarded everything,and large alimony,that I did not request! Not even 5 months later,June 1,2020,he died from being hit by a drunk while on his Harley, Im tore apart. I never stopped loving him,and he done terrible physical & emotionally abusive things. Theres been no funeral..,Covid and all. He was cremated,Idk even who has his remains. We raised (6)our kids together,4,of his 1st marriage,2 from mine,but they were all very young when we met,oldest was 7, ,2 -3yr olds,2-2yr olds,& 1yr old., We also basically raised oldest granddaughter until age 6,now I cant even see her. I worry how badly she must feel. Her papas deceased,no warning,and me,her Nanna just gone.we’re all tore apart because of his vicious ways since I had to leave him. Im lost..
Hi Tanya, unfortunately, as I wrote about people are often unprepared the emotions associated with the death of an ex spouse. Feeling lost is a fairly normal reaction to grief in general, but I think it is especially normal when dealing with these disenfranchised forms of grief, like death of a spouse. Disenfranchised grief is particularly challenging because people often feel they don’t have permission to feel it, or they’re not given permission by society. I would encourage you to start having conversations with the children, even the step-children about how they’re feeling and how you’re feeling. I imagine this is not an easy situation for any of you. It is never an easy thing, but think about what you would like to see in your life now and take baby steps to get there. The granddaughter is likely the hardest one, but I would suggest again, speaking to her parents if you’re able to and see how you can re-establish that relationship. If the entire family is torn apart in some respects that makes it easier because you’re all going through it, but other times it can make things more difficult. It will be OK, there is life on the other side. It may be your family may need a grief coach or a grief counselor to help. Please feel free to reach out if I can direct you to any resources or answer additional questions. Peace be to you during this painful time and thank you for your comments.
my husband of 31 years, who I divorced almost 2 years ago, died 3 weeks ago. Such a shock. I’m glad to find this and know that I’m not the only one whose gone through these emotions. I didn’t hate him, I had to leave for my happiness. Now I help our son navigate all that needs to be done and find the way to move forward…..guilt in my personality doesn’t help….
You’re definitely not alone. I am glad you found some comfort in my words.
My ex’s new wife (total relationship 10 yrs) kicked my current husband and I out of the funeral home. We were so hurt. My children were embarrassed and devastated. I know my ex husband never got over our divorce and I am sure she was sick of hearing about me. He was an alcoholic and would get toasted and “reminisce.” (so says friends and family) I will never understand her insecurities. We were married for almost 15 years, but it ended badly. Wifey and I never had cross words, so I now know that she kept these feelings suppressed during their relationship. Actually, I believe she knows this would have been a deal breaker for their marriage. I have some compassion for her, as I know she’s grieving, but I’m still looking forward to her “true colors” reveling themselves. I’m having a hard time with her not understanding that two people who raise 4 children together over a 15 year period, are going to have love for each other. He’s GONE, why be threated by us now?
I’ve just lost my exwife after 20 years of a divorce. We were childhood friends and married for 11 years and 2 kids. Girl and boy . My daughter 34 with 2 girls now and son 27 on his own with girlfriend. This is a case where we got along great and we’re even going to all holidays gathering as one big family. On this past vacations, 3 months ago , she had a AVM rupture and unfortunately didn’t make it at 55. Last day of vacation it happened and all kids and her husband went to hospital.
I took grandkids home with me and current wife .i couldn’t be there with my kids through there hardest time ever and it’s killing me even after all was done .
I’m grieving so much now 3 months later but not sure how to get past it . I still Love her very much . We’re taking day by day
Thank you.
On November 11 my ex spouse had been gone twelve years. Even though we were divorced we still loved each other very much, we didn’t divorce on bad terms we were young when we married very young and as we got
older we just had different ambitions in life so we mutually chose to split. We had three children our oldest son passed when he was an infant and we also had another boy and a girl whom we adored. My ex and I always got along and still did things as a family after the divorce even after I remarried and had another son and he also remarried. He was the most wonderful husband and father anyone could ask for and we’ll ex husband also, anytime I needed anything he was there to help me emotionally, financially, anything no matter what it was or when it was. His wife could not stand us being so close but we were together ten years had two beautiful children and they were our main priority their happiness came before anything or anyone. Our children knew we loved them and each other very much and that we didn’t divorce on bad terms at all and we worked together to raise them and for the most part we looked at parenting with the same point of view so there never was any disagreements on how we handle our children. He never missed a mother’s day or bday or any holiday for that matter without calling me and the kids and he always told me how good of a mother I was and thanked me for how well I did raising the kids, I always told him you did help ya know. But he didn’t think he did much because he worked offshore and was gone two weeks out of the month but when he would come home he had them the whole time. He was absolutely a wonderful man he was so kind and loving and he is really the only man that could ever handle me I’m red headed so I’m a little fiesty sometimes with a bad temper, but he was very calm and laid back never even raised his voice, he would just always say calm down Natalie it is gonna be okay. And that would make me more upset than I already was lol! I can hear his voice everytime I think of him saying that. My son and daughter were ly eight and nine when he passed and that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was to tell them their daddy was gone. My kids grieved in two totally different ways, my son took it really bad we had to pull him off the casket and my daughter acted like nothing was goin on, until six months after his death she had a breakdown and just out of nowhere but I was prepared I knew it was coming because she was her daddy’s angel princess he absolutely thought that little girl was sent from heaven above and she had him wrapped around her little finger. But there was nothing in this world he wouldn’t have done for his babies he absolutely love them so much and Lord have mercy did he spoil them rotten but they were not brats they were sweet children. I didn’t get out of the bed for three months after he died I felt like I part of me died with him and in fact it did I still to this day have an empty spot in my heart that has never been filled and I have had numerous failed relationships because I make a point to include him in my everyday life and everyman I’m with always says the samething. You still love him don’t you and my response is always yes I still love him and I always will. I guess they don’t feel like they can compete with a man that’s not even here anymore, but I also talk about him and have his pictures hanging in my home for my children, I never wanted them to think they couldn’t talk about their father or grieve over him I wanted them to remember how much he loved us and let them feel open to either cry if they needed to cry or just talk about the fun times with their dad. A few weeks ago I saw his spirit and he was holding a baby which I’m assuming was our son that passed and that’s the first time I have seen him since right after he passed so it took me by surprise but I wasn’t afraid. After he was gone I begin to think what was he coming to me for and then I thought omg am I saying and everyone said I was being silly. Well I wasn’t being silly three days ago I was diagnosed with chronic liver disease and I’m waiting on more lab results to find out what they are going to do next as far as treatment. I am not afraid of dying I would love to see him and our son, I’m afraid of leaving my children my two oldest would be parentless and they are only 20 and 21, but I also have an autistic son who is 16 and I am all he has ever known besides his siblings but he is very attached to me and doesn’t like to be away from me. I hope and pray I am wrong about why he came to me I hope he was just checking on me or trying to comfort me because I was going through a rough time and was very sad. I have never got over him or his death, til this day cry just as much over his death as I have from the first day I think of him everyday and there will never be a man that could compare to him.
Natalie, I want to thank you for putting such a moving comment on my post. I wish you the best and I’m grateful to you for taking the time to share your story. I hope you’ll comment again on future writings and let me know if I can be of assistance.
We had no children.Divorced Dec 6,2018, he passed away Dec 15,2018.How do I deal with that?It skill hurt.
Rena, I am very sorry to read of your painful experience. It will likely hurt for a while, depending on how long you were together, it may take a very long time. One of the ways you can deal with it, is to have a private memorial for your life together, much like people do for divorces. Have a ritual around letting him go. Finding little ways to remember the good times can also help.
I just read your article. My ex husband died 11/14/20 of Covid. He was 44. We have 2 children, our son is 20 & our daughter just turned 12. We had been divorced for 10 years & both remarried. We did our best at co -parenting & still flirted with the idea of trying to make things work again. The grief is overwhelming me. I have to be there for our children but who is there for me? Does my current husband hate me because I cry over my ex dying? I wish there was support for people going through this. Any advice?
Hi Jenny, it is unlikely your current husband hates you for this. He should understand that like it or not, you shared a special bond with your ex and there’s a grieving process. The problem is that this is a grief that is often not recognized, as you see some of the nasty comments I’ve received for talking about this. I do have a grief group I run on Facebook, for people in general struggling with grief. We have people in there that cross a spectrum of griefs. I think the best thing for you is to honor yourself and process this as best you can. I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost some people to COVID, and I will be 44 on my next birthday. It is especially difficult when people are young like this. If the grief is all consuming and nothing you do is helpful, therapy or coaching might be in order. They’re different disciplines. Let me know how I can help.
I was just informed that my ex-husband passed last month. We have been divorced for at least 27 years. No kids, but he had been my first love. The marriage end bad when he decided it was over with no explanation. After my mom passed during this time. I decided that I had to let go and move on. I have been married 24 years to my current husband, we share two adult children who are now 23 and 20. I never expected my ex to die -I thought one day that he would explain the why. I did call and give my condolences to his parents. They were glad to hear from me. Part of me still wonders what did happen to him. He was only 56. I feel all alone in this progress of his death. Not sure how I should feel. I have been writing since finding out. No funeral to attend because his family did not tell me until almost a month after his death. I am thinking for me I may need to visit his grave site to assist in my grief.
Hi Tonya, I am sorry to read of your predicament. However, I think going to the grave site is a good idea. You can even have a private funeral there to assist you in processing your grief. The important thing is to find a way to say good bye in a way that honors all of what was, and allows you to move forward.
I’m so happy I found this page and have someone to share with. My exhusband passed this past Saturday. He passed from complications of liver failure after a routine surgery. My heart is literally broken. I’m in a new healthy relationship. We were together for 16 years off and on, due to his alcohol abuse before I finally had to choose between my love for him and love for my children. I’m struggling bc it’s bringing back all those memories, all the what if’s, and I’m not just mourning him, I’m mourning the life we could have and should have had, if he just had chosen us over alcohol. Our son seems to be handling it well, he flew back East while his father was in the hospital and was responsible for next of kin decisions. My daughter is angry about what we lost, and feels like he did it to himself. We separated more than 10 years ago, but it’s just so hard losing someone you loved for so long.. and to the very thing that drove you apart. He was 49. I’m grateful that I’m not the only one who has experienced this.
Amber, I’m glad you find the post helpful. I try to write from my own experience and from my heart. I am amazed at how a couple of my articles continue to garner comments even after so many years. I am sorry for your family’s pain, but I am glad that my words have provided you some comfort.
I truly wish I had not gone. The current wife said hurtful things to my daughters. The ex husband died of an overdose and had been calling me for help and apologizing profusely about how he hurt me and the betrayal with his current wife. My daughters begged me to go. I was shocked at the feelings that I had for this man and cried a lot. But after the ugly text message exchanges with his wife and name calling I wish I had follow my instinct and not go. My children are adults and could have grieved his death. Now I am full of resentment once more and just want to be back at my emotional happy place. Attending to say a final goodbye was Not sufficient of a reason to put myself through the humiliation I had to endure a second time. I want this guy and his memories and the torment from his wife to vanish forever from my life. I raised my girls alone and he neglected them terribly. So why should I grieve. It’s over and he is gone. That is goodbye enough
Hi Linda, I’m so sorry to hear of your experience.
What about if the woman is remarried? How is her new husband supposed to support her and cope himself with seeing his wife cry and be devastated over another man? As I write this, I am going thru this exact situation. Its extremely painful. I’m not trying to be selfish or uncaring. But it hurts like having a knife thrust into my heart. I only found one article on the web “Husband resents wife’s grief over ex’s death” and the response was to put the guy down into the gutter. These are mental health issues and men have feelings also.
Hi Richard, you are correct these are mental health issues and men do have feelings. I imagine it is a very difficult process all around. I’m surprised there is only one article about this and that the response is to put the guy into the gutter, but then again some of my writing has received similar responses. I think that everyone needs to check in with themselves about what they are feeling, and they may need to seek therapy to discuss their feelings if a discussion can’t be had between the two. In my case, my husband didn’t have any issues about my experience, but we are an unusual couple in many ways (some I write about and some I don’t).
I would encourage someone to look at what they are feeling and explore what those feelings mean. Feelings are a way we interpret the world around us. For example, the husband who resents his wife’s grief over the ex. Why does he feel that way? What is driving the resentment? I haven’t read that article and I’m just expressing what I would say to him. Then I would ask what those feelings mean to him and what does he think and feel they are expressing. Maybe he feels unloved or loved less by the wife, but maybe she is just sad that a person who witnessed her life is dead now. Maybe her process is independent of his, or maybe he is upset because she is upset…the possibilities become endless, and this is why I would encourage exploration, perhaps with the assistance of a therapist.
On a broader note, I think men have a mental health crisis, not because I think they are crazy, but because they often do not get the care they need. There’s many reasons for this, but I think your statement is a great one. These are mental health issues and men do have feelings. Men should be encouraged to seek mental health resources when needed and to be fully self-actualized humans with all the emotions.
Thank you very much for sharing this comment.
Every family dynamic is different so be careful on judging. I am in a situation where my ex has no one except one of two daughters that feels bad for him. They are in their young 20’s and do not know how to handle the situation. They need their mom to help them and I will be there. He had a heart transplant about 4 yrs ago and my sister didn’t think I needed to be at the hospital. WHAT IF THEIR DAD DIED while in surgery and no one was there? They were 17 and 20 at the time. Be careful judging!
Such a shock when Father of my children died suddenly
I just attended my x wife’s Services. To me there was never a thought about not going. It would have made her passing even more upsetting to them. As mu 37 year old daughter said” It is no one’s business.”
Oh man so many would have been upset if I didn’t go. To her Uncle, her cousins, friends of her, friends of my daughters along with the group of people we hung out with in our younger days. All these people would have really been upset. Funny thing is all her relatives have always considered me family. The only small group that ignored me were the 2 family’s that lived by us for 30 years. There the ones that only know a grain of salt worth of info and made it obvious they wanted nothing to do with me. Thing is the last 2 years were good with my X. We did a number of things together and talks. She was ok with me but this small group couldn’t
Get over it. My advice to an X is do what is good for you. What others think doesn’t matter and actually it’s none of your business. Just like what you do is none of your business. I spent 43 years with her. There were many good times. I have 2 Wonderful children with her.
The person that said your not wanted is her opinion. It only means that what she thinks has to be heard yet it has nothing to do with anyone but her.
I Pray for those that have gone through this or it’s in your future!!
Chris
I cannot believe my ex has died so suddenly and i was not invited as if I was never married to him and we have two daughters and four grandchildren but I have to try and look forward but it’s very hurtful
Hi Maxine, I’m sorry to hear about this. My mother went through a similar situation when my father died. She went to the service anyway and listened to them erase her and the 36 year marriage she had to my father. It was bizarre from what I understand, we all found out about it by a 3rd hand person and I didn’t fly in for it given the circumstances. It was very hurtful to my entire family, not only how our mother was treated, but my father’s children…I don’t know why people act so cruelly to people, especially grieving people, but as you said the only way to go is forward. I hope that you can find some support and peace during this time.
You do not need an invitation to attend the funeral of anyone you knew let alone loved. I hope you went.
Seriously? You are still trying to “win” when he’s dead. Sounds more like you are the one with suppressed feelings and you who cannot let go given the “true colors” remark. It’s over. He’s dead. You are divorced. She is a widow. Your kids are no longer her step-kids. You are nothing to her. Over. Gone. The end.
Why do you need to be invited?
Go mom! The funeral was about how the living children are going to transition, and it was your entrance that shifted your children’s reality. They would have been LOST and DESPERATE without you. Good call on your part and I am sure they are doing well now, well-adjusted and all. I laugh at those who say “it was in bad taste” — for whom? The dead? The ex’s family who had no right to raise the children? Whatever. You were the glue to sanity for your children and I applaud you. BRAVO!!
Thank you.
I am crushed. We were married – a second time for both of us – after our children were all grown. 17 years. One Sunday morning, he abruptly announced, after a lovely breakfast I had prepared for the 2 of us “I am moving out today” he refused to tell me why. Now he has taken that “why” to his grave. I don’t know how to do this…….
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Be kind to yourself.
My ex husband and I are close friends. Our daughter is 4 people thinking strange we go out and do things together with her goto holidays together still stay at each other’s houses but there isn’t any sexual or relational ties. We are just friends he’s ok with me dating someone else and vice versa. His health is been precarious lately. I see the worry in his eyes. I am fearful because my family is null and void. I tried to go home and help my ailing mom and my family told me to move back home the living situation wasn’t good. So I decided to come back home two hrs away before my house went away. I’m just like what do I do when I’m alone. His mom helps alot with our daughter but she doesn’t have a car right now. So no emergency contacts are close to help out just me. I pray every day God keeps me healthy and her away from foster care. We have friends far away but none close. It’s scary. People think I’m crazy for thinking this way but he’s had some major scares at only 38. Just don’t know anymore
I went to my ex’s viewing as well as funeral everyone was fine with it except my youngest daughter who was in her own grief this was in May she has come back to say Mom you was really a strong woman to do that I truly didn’t realize it at the time. Grief is funny thing and everyone deals with it differently I felt I need to close that chapter in my life as well as support for my children, grandkids and other family members…
I’ve been divorced for 22 years, neither of us remarried. My ex husband died unexpectedly this week. He had lived with his girlfriend for the last 7 years. We only saw each other once a year at our Grandson’s birthday party, he’s 3. My 2 kids are in their 30’s and have gravitated to his girlfriend for comfort. I haven’t even seen them yet, they obviously has allegiance to her, not me. I can’t decide whether or not to go to the celebration of life. I want to go to support them, but hate the idea of sitting there listening to him being inducted into Sainthood. He was clearly their favorite since they blamed me for the divorce, no thanks to my ex trashing me. I know it’s not about me, it’s about them. Losing sleep over what to do
I lost my ex-wife on October the 8th. All 4 of our children are grown. We was only divorced for 1 year and 1 month. We had our fair share of bad and good times. I planned the funeral and attended. I was there for my children and grandchildren. I do not know how else to say this, but her death completely devastated me. It has only been 12 days since her passing and everywhere I turn all the memories keep flooding me and I just have to break down and cry. I try to talk to her and want to feel her presence. I just miss her and still love her. Our relationship ended due to various reasons and now that this happened, I find myself regretting and wondering what could have been, what should have been if I did things differently. All i know is I am here for the kids and grandkids. But loving her more now than I ever did…..I need help…
Help!! I’ve been divorced for 25 plus yrs and my ex just passed. I’m hurting but our grown children are just a wreck. They suddenly stopped talking to me, they’ve said mean things on FB and cropped me out of photos. I’m so hurt…but I understand they’re hurting. They’ve made him to be a hero n like I’ve never existed.
Hi Jackie, grief can do difficult things to all of us, and people are often not themselves when they’re grieving. My advice on this one is to give it some time. I know it is frustrating and painful, but sounds like this is their way of grieving.
I agree, Angel. Death is so final, we should do what is right. Wise words.
Angel, it is nice you’ve been included. Think of it as your way of saying good bye. Maybe that makes it more difficult, but I think you can do this.
I feel your pain, I’ve been divorced 22 years, my ex died 3 weeks ago. Kids are seeking comfort with the girlfriend of 8 years, not with me. My son gave the eulogy and totally left me out of my ex’s life story, like we were never married ( we were for 13 years). It was hard listening to that Narcissist being canonized into Sainthood and how wonderful their lives were with the girlfriend. They haven’t called, the time I reached out to them, they said they need time to grieve…at her house of course so I’m giving them the space they asked for. I live 6 miles from both of them, but they are always too busy to come over. I start therapy tomorrow. I can’t take the heartache anymore. I thought his sudden death would make them realize how short life is and want to reconcile our estranged relationship, but it’s only made it worse. I feel like I’ve lost them forever.
Yes. I had just divorced my husband of 32yrs and we were just beginning to become friends again. I always stayed in touch. His death really has hurt, all my dreams are gone and my children didn’t involve me in anything even though I was there. There uncle aunt and his mom were involved and I just found out my boys buried his ashes already and didn’t even let me know. It’s like everyone has forgotten that he was in my life for 40 yrs. it has really hurt me beyond
I wish I had read this article 5 years ago at the passing of my ex husband, very insightful article and it mirrors some of my experiences and feelings.
That is very good article. My ex dies of ALS last month. She had been diagnoised with ALS 1+ years ago and she cried over phone with me a few times. I had showed my supports but in her last 2 months, I did not show very good support , e.g. did not send greetings over Christmas, new year or another festival in our culture. She had expressed her willingness or friendships in the last 3 years, but I had hold myself on the bottomline that we would not be a couple again but I could be a friend. Actually I did not really forgive her for leaving the home to divorce and sth else. Now I regreted that I did not reconcile with her before she died. May she rest in peace in heaven.
My ex-wife just passed away this week and it has been 23 years since the divorce. We were married for 12 years and we had no children. The divorce was not a friendly divorce. Hearing of her passing flooded me with many memories that we had when we were together, good and bad. I am sad and wished was hoping down the road we would have some closure. Now that won’t happen. I don’t know how to grieve.
Hi
Thank-you for the article.
Question: My adult children are planning an open house celebration of life for their father (my ex). I have no idea what my role is or to attend. I do the dance of trying to be supportive without stepping in too much.
Separated 20 years, nasty separation, on good terms the last few years. He, ex, did a great job of bashing me to anyone that would listen and many people shunned me because of it (including my kids). I don’t keep in touch with any of his family as they made it clear how they felt about me. I have a very close relationship with our kids now. Do I ask them what they want? I’m worried they will say yes out of politeness and not want to hurt my feelings. His friends and family won’t want me there as they only heard his version of events. Even my kids don’t know why I left. (he was abusive but they don’t know that). I also don’t want to burden them with that decision.
Sorry if I’m rambling but, as you know, there are no clear answers or rules.
Thank-you
Hi Lee, you are right. There are no clear rules or answers and this often leads to more questions and pain. Based on your comment here it sounds like you want to go, but don’t feel you can give yourself permission to do so. I would recommend taking some time to search your feelings regarding this and to decide from there. If you decide to go, just sit in the back and/or if someone approaches you just be civil and note that you came to honor his memory and support your kids. It is possible the kids will appreciate the gesture, but really this is a time where you need to put your own healing first. If you don’t feel comfortable going then you can choose not to go…or if something makes you uncomfortable, you can always leave. Best of luck and I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank-you. That is very helpful. Peace. Lee
My 1st husband passed away last night. We got divorced in 1986. He left me and our daughters for another woman. I don’t have any unfinished business, hate or unforgiveness towards him. After his wife passed away 2 years ago he asked me to forgive him and I already had. I just don’t understand why I’m sad and crying about him passing away…
My husband and I were separated for 6 1/2 years. He had a girlfriend, but we had not gotten to the divorced stage. When he got sick, I became part of his visitation and support team along with his girlfriend and our son. D/T covid, we were the only ones allowed to visit. All 3 of us were with him when he passed. I was asked to give a eulogy which I gladly did. We were in a good space. But since he has died, my daughter-in-law and my husband’s sister (both who I have had a good relationship previously) are acting as if my feelings are unwarranted and they are seeming to not welcome any assistance from me or his girlfriend in dealing with post-death stuff. It is very hurtful as I grieve by myself (and the girlfriend by herself) while the rest of the family lean on each other. I am devastated.
Hi Nancy, that’s terrible and I sorry to read about it. People often think the ex spouse shouldn’t have any feelings or should have different feelings, but the reality is we will grieve for this person who was very significant in our lives regardless. I am sad to hear that your daughter in law is joining into the fray of things. I would encourage you and the girlfriend to support each other, if you both feel comfortable doing so. No one should be forced to grieve such a loss alone. I am glad my post has been helpful to you (and so many others). I wish you whatever nurtures your soul during this difficult, sacred transitional time. Grieve is like waves and sometimes hits at odd points or in odd ways.
At the end of the day, you’re there to pay your last respects. If you had children with this man; evidently, at some point he was a very important part of your life. If you want to go, by all means go. I think it will “finalize” everything and make life easier for you. Honey; you know, people are going to talk whether you do or do not attend..JS, my opinion.
What about when you have remarried and your adult child has chosen to be adopted by your new husband and months later you find out that your ex husband has passed away. You now have to break the news to your child, but do you hep his family since they live in another state since you did not have any animosity against them and most importantly should your new spouse be supportive of you. We are a blended family and each of our girls has a different mom or dad. I NEED HELP!!!!
My ex husband was abusive towards me. Our children witnessed some of this abuse.. I was totally in love with this man and wasn’t aware of anything I did to deserve this abusive my ex kicked us all out of the house and didn’t speak to his children for 6 years.. over the last 13 years he has made an effort to see his kids…we were talking and has family BBQ together went out for meals. Ect…I still loves this man he still loves me. We both knew getting back together wasn’t an option due to our past. THE day he kicked us out.. it felt like he died that day…even though I knew he hadn’t.
it’s been over 2 weeks since he dies of a heart attack and I’m completely lost.. the hurt seeing him lying on that floor cleaning up after his death is hurting me more than I care to admit… this feeling is no different to the day he kicked us put.. but this time he is gone… I no longer have a back up plan for our children and grandchildren he is no longer there..
My partner of 5 years is being good. His not really understanding why I’m so upset.. I can’t explain it either..
I went to his funeral. He was a huge part of my life since I was 15.. Divorce doesn’t all ways stop love..