It’s a very new world we live in. We love to honor the old ways and family traditions and also love to create new, exciting ways of doing things as young, adventurous people. We explore life with excitement because we want to grow and express our unique selves in life.
Yet, when it comes down to marriage, love, and divorce, it may be time for our grandmother’s ideas to “take a walk.” With all due respect to our heritage and the good morals and fine principles we were raised with, this is NOT our grandma’s life!
Yes, I know you made solemn vows to each other, you promised to love each other forever, in front of witnesses, (am I rubbing it in a bit too much?), and, yes, it was a good marriage for as long as it lasted. But times have changed, people change, and sometimes we need to get a divorce. Period. For whatever good reason you have, it is necessary.
So… stop the guilt.
Stop running grandma’s (or mom’s) disapproving advice or shaming words through your head. You are in enough emotional pain as it is — going through a divorce, raising kids alone now, working all day, etc. When you finally stop and rest, do you want to hear those voices telling you that you have failed? No! No one deserves that. It doesn’t help to heal your life or inspire change. And heaven knows we can beat ourselves up better than anyone. So, stop it.
Start now to have a few solid, true statements ready and written down if you can and say them to yourself as often as needed.
These statements can sound something like:
“I know I am doing the right thing.
I know this is going to work out just fine.
I know I am happier doing things this way.
I am making a stand for myself.
I deserve a better life with someone who truly loves me.
I care about myself enough to do the right thing.
I care about my kids enough to show them a loving relationship.
I know I will be fine because I am strong and loving.”
These statements along with a good attitude can make all the difference in going through a divorce and coming out the other side of court and emotional upheaval with a healthy, happy heart.
You are doing the right thing by today’s way of living. We don’t believe in sticking with a bad marriage or unhealthy relationship anymore. And if history is honest, your mom or maybe even your grandma went through a divorce, too. Yes, I know mine both did! But it is this new attitude without guilt, shame, or blame that makes the difference. They were embarrassed, dishonored as a woman who “couldn’t make it work,” or just pitied by others behind their backs back then. But you don’t have to be.
By taking a new angle on healthy relationships, after the initial pain and sadness subside for a bit, you will find a part of you that actually can feel glad about your choice. As you focus on those feelings and admit you are now going in the right direction in life, you will start to feel the benefits of being true to yourself. You won’t hear those critical voices. You’ll drop the shame and look at the good things coming out of it all. You will feel proud of each little victory. And you will know soon enough that you are a better, loving person because of it.
You live in a healthy, new world where you can create your better life right now. So honor your good choice, without guilt, to begin again.
Genevieve Q. Coleman is a licensed Power Prayer Counselor and an Ordained Minister. www.GoddessDayCamp.com
So much easier said than done…as a first generation American your roots, your heritage and your upbringing define who you are..At 50, starting over after an almost 25 year marriage, knowing what you should do to move on is infinitely easier than having the courage to do it.