Financial abuse is insidious, cloaked in false “protectiveness,” a form of bullying, and a precursor to domestic violence. It leaves no bruises, but it really, really hurts. It will erode one’s self-esteem, enslave them to the one who is supposed to love them, and destroy the victim’s spirit, sense of self-worth, the very essence of their individuality. It makes them hopeless and helpless so that they never leave.
Financial abuse is more readily recognized in the mental health community as it relates to elder abuse, rather than spousal abuse. Elder financial abuse is usually about theft. Spousal financial abuse is about control and domination. Control of the money translates to control of the relationship and the other person, in every way. Financial abuse, according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, is reported to be present in 98% of all domestic violence situations. In the vast majority of situations, women are the victims of the abuse. These comments will be framed accordingly.
I often observe women whose thinking has been so strongly influenced and twisted that they are not even aware of the abuse and continue to give their power away. They fail to show up for financial-planning meetings with their husbands. When they do, they spend the entire meeting motioning for me to “talk to him,” and not even listening “because he makes all the decisions.” They sign things without even knowing what it is and don’t ask. Or, if they do ask, are told to “don’t worry about it, just sign it.” Then challenged with the all-time follow-up of “Don’t you trust me?” The ultimate put-down and shut-up retort that has only one unspoken response.
At some point she may somehow find her strength and seek separation and divorce from the abuser. That is when we usually discover the third mortgage on the house, outstanding personal loans, questionable income tax returns, business interests (and liabilities) in her name, etc., all of which she signed. We discover what may, or may not, be there in the way of savings, investments, retirement accounts, pensions, etc. All of which she now realizes she needs, but knows nothing about.
How does this happen?
Signs of Financial Abuse in a Marriage
- He says he will pay all the bills.
- She is expected to turn her paycheck over to him.
- He manages all accounts, checking, savings, retirement, investment, etc.
- He makes all financial decisions without discussing with her.
- She gets an allowance.
- He checks receipts for everything she buys, even groceries.
- She needs to explain every check or credit card charge.
- He makes all large purchase decisions; she has no input.
- She needs to quit her job.
- She no longer gets an allowance, only funds for designated purchases.
- She may no longer write checks.
- She will not be allowed to return to work.
- She may not open any mail, even utility bills and solicitations.
- He threatens to leave her with nothing if she doesn’t behave.
- She needs to wait for him to get home from work to give her money to go buy a headache remedy.
Financial abuse occurs across all social-economic, educational, ethnic, and racial groups. It doesn’t matter if she is “allowed” to buy hamburger or steak, thrift or designer clothes, fast food or country club dining. If she is financially controlled and monitored while doing it, she is financially abused. Another variation is that of a highly successful career woman, managing millions of dollars of her employer’s money, yet does not have control over a single dollar in her personal life.
Reaching a victim of financial abuse requires that she realize that she is a victim and is willing to listen and act on her own behalf, and that she is accessible, given that she is so cut off from many resources and controlled to such a degree.
Ideas for Facilitating an Escape, While Heeding Safety Concerns
- Identify a trusted friend or relative who can assist as needed.
- If possible, skim small amounts of money from what is accessible, hide it or have someone hold it for you.
- Get cash back on credit card purchases at supermarket or big box stores, then lose the receipt if necessary.
- Save any monetary gifts, return gifts for cash.
- Ask friends and relatives for donations.
- Sell anything you can, say you donated it if necessary.
- Say you are volunteering and get a part-time job.
- Offer babysitting, dog-walking, house-sitting, wait for delivery or service people, plant-watering, etc. services by word of mouth and for cash.
- Develop a hobby and sell things: printed t-shirts, knit ware, sketches or paintings, jewelry, photography, etc.
- Work an on-line job with flexibility.
- Get a secured credit card, or two, in your own name, and keep with friend if necessary.
- Research government assistance services, counseling services, shelters.
- Have a safe place to go when you leave.
Abuse of any type, including financial abuse, is a dangerous element in a marriage. There is no acceptable level of offense. I believe that anyone who is a victim of financial abuse knows, at some basic level, that it is not right, not okay, and they deserve more. They deserve respect, and to be treated as a partner in this relationship. Anything less is not a marriage, in which case, many difficult questions need to be answered
Hi, I am in a financially abusive relationship. My husband is a lawyer, still working, a retirement age. I have not seen this as an abuse till one day my husband cut off a credit card (which he gives me at his will) and I stood up, took the waste basket and pour the content of the basket over his shoulder and the age of the basket hit his head causing no injury. He called the police and let me arrested and when I came from jail (the case was soon dismissed for insuficient evidence) he did not work on the relationship (which I knew he would not) instead of he wanted remorse on my part and later on he escalated his control. I have been with him for 21years and was only a helper in his office despite of my BA in psychology. This control anabled my husband to put most of his earnings in the stockmarket thus we have capital losses in hundred thousands of dollars. Only after the jail incident and what came out of it I have realized I have been abused. However I always knew something was wrong but I prefered to stay and did not consider things bad in all aspects. Being an implant to the United States from Eastern European country I feel the United States is not a home where I want to stay due to the abuse I have been going through. At a brief moment after walking home from jail I considered suicide but I do have a desire to live. And I am glad the incident did open my eyes. I became indecisive person in the course of the marriage and still afraid to make a move before my son is at least 18. I have dreams and work on the dreams to live the many miles away from my husband. However, I have also strong relationship toward my son. I believe my husband has antisocial personality disorder and I am his sixth wife, who used to admire him so much and love him. I understand it was my weakness combined with lack of experience on my part and his tool. I understand how it all came about and don’t feel hate. I just feel at waste and drained and injured. All should pass. Would be nice to take my husband to court for emergency money. I feel like I am a begger everytime I ask and ask…this is the worst part of it. If I get a credit card I stock on few gift cards and that’s how I live my life. I learned mechanismus how to survive better and beat him at his own game. At the same time I feel like at fight all the time. My body responds this type of stress with overworking immune system…I developed psoriases, had an immune system related rheumatoism etc. and experienced depression that I was not completely aware of either. I have a tend to think about the most positive things type of personality which has moved me through, looking for something nice even there are dark spots around me. But as time goes on it becomes increasingly harder to keep the better attitude. I need time away. My summers are my times away when I take my son and despite having an allowance even for my stay (I get fixed amount before we go) I am more happier where I am right now and where I will be for 2,5 months before my son’s school starts again.
I am so sorry for your pain. You deserve a better life where you are loved and cared for in a healthy manner. You can get help and grow stronger by going to see a counselor a local abuse shelter. It is free and they will help your spirit and help you through this. I will be thinking of you and hope you will leave this relationship as soon as you are able to do so.
The U.S. sucks. Men can ruin you here just as they do anywhere else in the world. Freedom and love don’t exist here either.
Very sad to see this so genderly biased. Try being married to a Cluster B Personality disordered woman. Men get financially abused as well. Don’t you think?
Writing a piece like this with gendered language is a form of abuse itself. There’s nothing wrong with talking about the statistics of financial abuse however when men face it through marriage and through divorce pieces like this obscure their distress and make it harder for it to be seen or acknowledged. The person writing this piece should feel deep shame for furthering that violence and alienation. Abuse is abuse regardless who is doing it and who is the recipient of that abuse. A man who has faced this kind of abuse when looking for help finds an article like this and feels like he shouldn’t be feeling the way that he feels. Most abusers perpetuate their control under cover of various sorts. This article helps women to hide their abuse.
I am sadden and at the same perplexed reading this article and all the responses. Until now, I still do not know if my situation qualifies as financial abuse, I am a working wife who makes a decent income but never sees my income as it goes all the bills as my husband said. After being married for 13 years and was questioned by few of my relatives why he is controlling our finances, he decided to add my name in two of his properties which definitely my income helps cover the mortgages. He puts my name on a stock market acocunt with a little amount but and but….. Either of which I have no control. He has all the account information, all the debit and credit cards and all I have is the knowledge that my name is there even if I can’t touch it. What will I do? I already mentioned that what he is doing is financial bullying but he said, my name is on properties and stocks so how can I prove the bullying? He gives me allowance which is barely enough for me and my child. I cant go anywhere as I dont have a car of my own( i am driving his company car) and I dont have enough cash.. I hope you can shed a light. Few people already told me to leave him but we have a 10 year old who adores my husband.. I dunno, I am so confused. I dont even know if I have the right to question him. Thanks!
Here is my situation. Spouse decided to initiate divorce. Spouse has own business and coincidentally at the same time, spouses income from business dropped down to $0. Spouse refused to look for employment and without my knowledge took funds from our the balance of our HELOC to keep business afloat. Further putting the family at financial risk. Not know what was going on with finances, I used exempt inherited assets to keep the family finances afloat. Divorce has dragged out for years as we go further go into debt. Suddenly when spouse needed money for attorney, the business started making money again. Spouse now wants to claim based on the reduced income, I should provide half my income as alimony and refuses to work in any good faith matter to get a job. I cannot afford a lawyer any longer – what do I do? Does any case law cover this type of behavior?
Very sexist.. the same abuse exists and happens to men every day.. narcissistic personality disorders are who abuse.. not a gender. This I know through personal experience.. experiences this FEMALE writer seems to either completely miss or selectively ignore.. to read her explanation you would think only men abuse and women are victims.. which is statistically and factually NOT TRUE..
33% of women in hetero relationships will experience DV to 29% of men.. but as men normally DO NOT SPEAK UP ABOUT ABUSE anf women have a tendency to play the victim role these % will be factually different.. 40% of lesbians will experience DV to 25% of gay men.. once again clearly shows WOMEN are more aggressive and controlling in relationships and WILL resort to abuse much quicker.. 70% of ALL hetero dv cases have been instigated once again by the woman..
Maybe INST3AD of spouting out feministic propaganda , maybe if you get your facts right.. report on that and have the REAL problem in society dealt with..then maybe , just maybe less PEOPLE will be abused including your precious “female victim”….
Mr. McMillam I could not agree more. I am a female, have a male friend who I am watching go through this. She paid all of the bills and saying there was never anything left over so he got $10 monthly for his “pleasure”. He is now seeing after 24 years wanting out the past 10+ that she was hiding and manipulating the numbers to her advantage. She has destroyed his once amazing relationship with his now young adult daughters because he refuses to stoop to the shady game playing through the process. I too was in a financially abusive relationship for years and I had a friend help me rebuild myself and I am blessed to be able to pay it forward now. Best wishes to you!
“In the vast majority of situations, women are the victims of the abuse. These comments will be framed accordingly.”
I didn’t see the author’s intent to negate the similar experiences men have. She simply sought to address the “majority” at the end of the 2nd paragraph. I’m a survivor of vindictive financial abuse (still experiencing it) & know men who’ve have also. Abuse can be limitless to personality disordered people. Unfortunately, the taboos surrounding mental health create an environment for it to thrive in secrecy & in broad daylight. It’s disgusting.
I need to get a hold of rosemary
The one thing I wish this -otherwise incredibly accurate and insightful- article included was making he/she interchangeable. I am a man and have suffered much of what is written here at the hands of my now ex-wife. While we may appear to be in minority, men, too can and have been victims of this form of abuse; And this man wishes he knew what he was dealing with decades earlier than he had. Thank you for your efforts.
Why is financial abuse covered as the man earning and having power over the money. Just like me, there are plenty of women who are the primary bread winners for a family. But make no mistake the financial abuse happens. I grew up in an abusive and controlling home. I m am married f04 10+ years to a man how refuses to work and has some form of untreated mental issues. He has charged at 100k of merchandise to my charge cards. I was always afraid to cancel my credit cards , hoping for a change. That’s on me . Today I cut off all of the cards. 10 years it took me to do it. I filed for divorce last October. I wish there were more resources for me on line
I’ve been married to my husband for 6 yrs, together for 7 yrs. When we met I was a single mom, living in an apartment, recovering with injuries from an abusive ex-husband. We met & he seemed like the perfect man – sweet, encouraging, supportive. We married after my divorce and I moved into his house. We were in a major head-on collision where I received the majority of bad injuries. I had to have multiple surgeries and am now permanently disabled because of this. We had a baby in 2018. He has become very verbally abusive and is always throwing it in my face that I don’t work and he does, that he pays bills. I actually do pay bills with my check/child support I receive. He expects me to wait on him hand & foot and when I don’t he starts putting me down & ‘reminding’ me that I don’t work. I’ve applied for an income-based apartment but have to be on a waiting list. He has even tried to sell a truck that I bought. I stupidly put his name on the title too as a gift to him after our marriage. He doesn’t help with the baby at all. He’s told me that HIS family (mom, dad & brothers) will ALWAYS come first before me & our baby.
I’m so tired of having to deal with him. I have no family I can stay with either. Both of my parents passed away and he knows that he is the only family I have. I have no friends anymore either as most of them don’t want to be friends or hang out unless it involves drinking/partying, which I stopped doing when I found out I was pregnant. I’m in my mid-40s and am so embarrassed that I fell for his bull. I live in Texas. He was also in prison before we met. He did tell me that, but not all of the info.
I’ve been married for 23 years and my spouse has exclusive control of our bank accounts, finances, credit cards, etc., always has. My access to the credit card (AMEX) gets cut off when my actions or words are not conducive to the situation at hand. My current status is…….access to AMEX cut off for 3 weeks and (REAL EYEOPENER) Friday, morning spouse took my car while I was sleeping and SOLD it….. I feel trapped