Your spouse wants a divorce. You are overwhelmed with figuring out child custody issues, where you are going to live, and how your property will be divided. Now you’re left wondering who to lean on during and after divorce.
On top of that, you aren’t sure which friends you can go to for support or how much to tell them. This is a very tricky subject and each relationship is entirely unique.
Guidelines to Help You Know Who to Lean on During and After Divorce
1. Family
If you have family you can go to for emotional support this is always a good first step. Even if they may feel caught in the middle they are going to have your best interest and the children’s best interest at heart.
For what: emotional support, help with the children, a short term place to stay and pretty much anything else you may need.
When: Anytime.
2. Lifelong friends
Next would be lifelong friends, preferably not connected to your spouse. Often this can be a childhood or college friend or a friend from your first job. Even if they know and like your spouse, their allegiance will likely be to you and they would want to give you emotional support during a difficult time.
For what: emotional support, help with the kids, an evening away, meals.
When: Anytime.
3. Other Close Friends Unconnected With Your Spouse
This means someone who does not have an independent friendship with your spouse or is a “couple friend.” This may also mean it eliminates friends whose spouse is friends with your spouse.
For what: emotional support, help with the kids, an evening away, meals.
When: Anytime.
4. Someone Who Has Been Through a Divorce
Sometimes the best person to talk with is someone who has been through what you are going through and can empathize with you. Often this isn’t someone in one of the categories above and maybe a step or two away such as a co-worker, a fellow parent, a friend of a friend. People who have weathered a storm can be a great source of insight and enjoy giving it to others.
It makes something positive out of the struggle they endured. Perhaps you can help someone else out in the future in a similar way. Be wary, however. Sometimes the advice you get from others who have been through a divorce may be tinged with their own bitterness that does not apply to your situation.
For what: empathizing, bouncing ideas.
When: when the above groups can’t give you that sense of having gone through it before.
Who should you avoid for this kind of support?
Again, every relationship is different. Generally, avoid any group friendships or relationships that may have the tendency to put your spouse on edge or air your dirty laundry at work or home – particularly if your kids will hear of it.
Be particularly cognizant of what you discuss with friends in these circles:
- Parents of children at the same school or activities
- Neighbors
- Couple friends – where you almost always interact as a couple or a family
- Coworkers
Finally, don’t confide in anyone you can’t trust to keep your thoughts between the two of you.
Thanks for your article. Very often people stay in unhappy relationships due to lack of support. Knowing who to trust and who to stay away from is key when looking to exit a marriage.