Can’t move on from divorce? Read this advice from author Christina Pesoli!
Dear Christina,
A little over seven months ago, I was totally blindsided by the discovery that my husband was having an affair. I had always been very clear with him that cheating would be a total deal breaker for me. I never in a million years thought my husband would end up being That Guy.
When I discovered his infidelity, I threw it into high gear, kicked him out of the house, hired a lawyer, and filed for divorce. Within six months, the divorce was wrapped up. I got a favorable settlement, both money-wise and custody-wise.
I always heard that going through the divorce was the worst part – and once that was over, things would get better. But things haven’t gotten better. In fact, they’ve gotten worse.
There’s nothing technically stopping me from starting a new chapter of my life, but for some reason I can’t seem to move forward.
What am I doing wrong?
Signed,
Stuck in Limbo
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Dear Stuck,
You’re not doing anything wrong. Most people realize their marriage isn’t going well long before someone files for a divorce. At some level, they are working on coming to terms with things before the legal work even begins. That work continues while they slog through the legal process. You didn’t get a chance to do any of that because you were blindsided.
Discovering that your husband was cheating was a huge shock. And because of your (completely understandable) position on infidelity, the situation was very black and white for you. He cheated. You had to divorce him. Getting your divorce done then became Job One for you; and that laser beam focus prevented you from (or allowed you to avoid) dealing with the emotional fallout from everything that had happened.
Now that the paperwork side of your divorce is over, there’s nothing to shield you from your emotions. Even though the cause of the divorce was black and white, there’s still a lot to sort out. You were blindsided. You were betrayed. Your marriage has ended. Your life today looks very different from what it looked like a year ago, and from the one you imagined for yourself. That’s a lot to process.
Rather than avoiding this work, accept that it must be done in order to move on from your divorce. It’s every bit as important as the legal work. Allow yourself to process these emotions. Give yourself permission to grieve. Lean on friends and family. And if you need more help, hire a therapist.
Given that the paperwork is done, but emotional work is still ahead, I’d say you’re about halfway to the finish line. Once you process the emotional aspects of your divorce, you will be able to move on, close the book on the experience, and begin a new story.
Good luck!
Christina
My ex cheated repeatedly but I forgave her. She finally dumped me for one of boyfriends and got a nice settlement from me in the process. After three years I am still angry and bitter, both at her and at myself for having let her play me like a harp. She actually enjoyed making a fool out of me. She relished the sight of my tears and grief. She despised me and did all she could to destroy me. She would lie and say she was spending the night at her brother’s house, then go sleep with her boyfriend, then come home and have a nice breakfast with me and our son. She thrived on the thrill of deceiving me so. So wicked. I have been told I need to let the anger flow away, but I am angry, damnit!! She and her lovers are so lucky I’m not the kind of guy who would burst in on them with a gun and shoot them dead. Things like that happen every day. Maybe that risk is part of what thrills her. I have decided that this is the best my life will be. If I am to be happy again one day, I’ll just know it if I find it. Until then, I will be kind to those around me, but my anger will burn inside. I am angry and I cannot let go of that until the time is right. If ever the time will be right…
…and now my ex is cheating on her boyfriend with a MUCH younger man…
My ex also cheated on me, gaslighted me and kept asking me to stall the divorce while he was making merry with women (One affair partner or God knows how many other women). He abandoned the kids and left them with me to care for them as well.
Although it sucks, think about it this way, you have the rest of your life to yourself. Yes, its many years under the water – in my case 18 years of life together – but atleast you know that whoever is around you, cares for you and that you love yourself enough to not let emotions get the better of you and go with a wicked and character disordered person who can stab you at a moment’s notice.
Lust has no end and there is never any satisfaction at the end of it all. So, your ex is not exactly thriving ! If she was, she would stay steady with one man.
It may seem like this is the worst that could happen to you, hold strong and work on focussing on your future. Think of the amazing things you can do on your own that was not possible before. Force your brain to think about a fantastic future and it will happen. Do not judge yourself, its a lot to process – this shit is not easy – someone very close stabbed you a million times and it will take time – one day you will wake up and not feel that pain at all. That day will come ! I know it will come and you should look forward to it too.
Good luck and take care of yourself !
I need help. I cannot accept my divorce. My husband cheated. … money for sexual favors and more. I am distraught … HELP
anyone there to talk to? I have lost everyone and everything. I am lost. Never wanted a divorce! 22 years of marriage and two beautiful kids. We did everything together. I am so homesick. I found evidence and reacted poorly. The outcome is devastating.
Ann,
Please check your email. I have sent you a private reply.
Please take good care.
Christina