The overwhelming feeling of being lost during and after divorce is almost like you’re in a rowing boat in choppy waters with no oars and no sight of land. It truly feels like you’re being battered from side to side without any hope of control. The loss of identity and meaning in life is powerful and devastating. I would burst into tears simply by walking out of the house. Being surrounded by all those people who look like they have everything in control was terrifying. Finding yourself after divorce is tough and it took me a long time.
How to Find Yourself After Divorce
Loss of Identity
The most painful realization for me was my loss of identity. Who was I as a single person? What did I even like or enjoy doing? It almost feels as if someone has cut away a piece of your soul. You feel naked going to parties with no one by your side. Suddenly nothing has meaning and you wonder why you’re here. Finding yourself after divorce isn’t just about moving on. It’s also about rediscovering your self-identity and where you fit into the world again.
Self-identity is an important part of being human. This is something we develop as we grow up into adolescence through various influences, including social interaction, according to the psychologist Erikson. When we get married, we generally gravitate towards people who believe and uphold that identity so when they leave and ‘abandon’ us, it’s almost as if that identity was wrong. It has failed us. Of course, that’s the brain making a dangerous conclusion in order to try to protect us. The brain sees: something went wrong, our emotions are through the roof therefore let’s not do that again. With time and perspective, we can see the issue with that conclusion but we need to rebuild ourselves before we have the confidence to do that.
How to go about finding yourself after divorce.
Accepting change and understanding your skills
Your self-esteem is shattered and, if like me, you didn’t have much before then you’re in a world of pain and confusion. I know it’s irritating when people say “one step at a time” but it really is true. Also, it’s important to remember that the brain focuses on negative emotions more easily than positive ones so sometimes we have to force ourselves to remember our strengths. Being grateful for what we have and what is constant around us can also help us stop focusing on what we are losing and what is changing.
Have a go at listing 5 achievements or your top 10 qualities that you like about yourself. And if you’re not sure, ask your friends and you’ll see realize that you have a lot to bring to this world.
Being curious about the pain and what it can teach us
Looking back, I can now confidently say that I am grateful for the experience of getting divorced. It started me on my journey of self-discovery and personal growth, including mindfulness and meditation. Without it, I would never have questioned how I reacted to people and situations. I would never have spent the time to understand my pain and the cause of it. I would never have learned to be brave to just try things because, at the end of the day, everything changes. Nothing is forever. And yet, today, I feel grounded, content and at peace with who I am and the world around me.
One of the first exercises I did which I highly recommend is to draw out your lifeline. This exercise can help you take stock of your life and understand your patterns and behaviors. The idea is to plot the key moments in your life according to moments that were positive, above the line, and negative, below the line. It’s the starting point of understanding how we interact with the world, attract certain people into our lives as well as our overall approach to life. All this feedback will be key in finding yourself although I realize it is painful after divorce. But it gives you somewhere to start.
Being Selfish
Isn’t it great that you can finally do all those things you wanted to do? All those compromises are gone. You can finally start those hobbies you’ve been thinking about for ages. I know it takes a while to truly believe that but I could now go out with my friends till whatever time of night. I could meet interesting new people and be the center of attention. I didn’t always have to explain about ‘my other half’. It’s liberating. And let’s not forget self-care and pampering to help you.Glow up and reconnect with the positives of life.
There are so many hobbies out there from online activities to doing creative arts and crafts at home. You can also take yourself out for dinner either on your own or with a good book. Finding yourself is about reconnecting to yourself and spending time alone whilst learning to appreciate yourself again.
Friends can help you rediscover yourself
Reconnecting with friends and even getting feedback from them can be therapeutic. People always see you differently when you’re a couple versus being single. Ask them what the differences are. What skills and traits in you stand out now? Was anything being eclipsed before?
It’s not just about your existing friends but it’s also about new ones. I remember joining a new book club and rediscovering my passion for dance, both of which gave me access to whole new communities. What can you learn that can help you meet new people? Or perhaps you find an online forum about a topic that interests you? But remember that this time is about you so it’s okay to say no and not commit to everything you find.
Take a break and find your priorities
Divorce was the most eye opening experience for me in terms of learning who I was and what I enjoyed in life. It was therefore a long journey of connecting with my values and beliefs and finding my purpose in life. I literally had to start at square one, as I’d never done this for myself as a developing child due to a dysfunctional family. If this is you, the wheel of life can be a great way to identify which life priority you should start with.
However, sometimes this also means getting away from it all and taking time to think and be with yourself. Of course, if like me, you start uncovering deeper issues, then help is sometimes necessary whether through coaching or therapy. Remember that asking for help is a sign of strength. Only by accepting ourselves as humans with vulnerabilities can we hope to grow and find the happiness we all deserve.
Thank you so much for this article. I thought I was the only one going through the painful and scary realization that my growth had been seriously stunted during marriage. As a stay-at-home mom, my world was very small and I failed to develop myself; I just gave and gave. After divorce, everyone continued with their own life, including my adult children and I was left wondering if my life had held any meaning. I am also thankful for the experience and having to face the world on my own, although it has been a series of trials and errors and I do not claim to be where I want to be yet. It would be a pleasure to get to know this author.
Hi Madeline,
Thank you very much for your comment and yes, I completely relate. It interesting isn’t it that we give and we give, in the hope that we’re doing the right thing, and in the end, it actually acts against us? It took me a long time to learn and accept that looking after myself should always come first but that it actually also benefits others. Part of that was finding meaning in my life which was the biggest hurdle and the most fulfilling one at the same time. I would be delighted to connect more directly and please reach out to me through my website: https://anneshappyclues.com/contact-2/
I look forward to hearing from you, take care, Anne
When you are with someone for a long time, albeit friends, dating, or married, you sometimes can become lost in that person. You start to think of yourself as part of a duo and begin to make decisions based on the well-being of that duo. You may stop ordering Chinese food, because you know the other person doesn’t like it, or you may stop shopping at specific stores because you know that the other person does not like it when you wear clothes from there. Whatever way you slice it, you begin to lose a little bit of your individuality, which makes any potential break up or divorce all the more devastating. For those that are in these circumstances, many of them may feel that they have been defining themselves as a part of this couple, and so when the couple divorces, they may be losing their perception of their own identity.
Thank you very much for your comment and yes, I completely agree with you. I stopped music and dance which is such a big part of my life! The interesting piece for me was that divorce helped me discover that I had put the pressure on myself and I alone created this behaviour. I realise that isn’t always the case but I now value the time I spent working on my boundaries, needs and self-esteem. This made a huge difference and helped me shape my life into what it is today where I can actually now also help others.
I appreciate the authors insights and comments. As someone who 4 years post divorce, However, I am amazed at how divorce is spun today as some amazing self “awakening” opportunity and a chance to discover a whole new world that is glorious; in fact, without divorce you now realize unwittingly, that you denied yourself this pleasure. If people put half the effort into their marriages as they do themselves post divorce maybe the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high.
Yes, life goes on. It has to to. Yet, the affects of divorce are omnipresent for many years on everyone it touches—parents, children, friends, etc. The financial consequences are overwhelmingly negative for the vast majority of divorces. The silver linings are there, but to gloss over the long term negative affects is disingenuous. The grass is always green wherever you water it.
Hi Paul, I hate divorce and never thought it would happen to me, but it did. After 28 years of marriage I fought like crazy to get my drug/alcohol addicted husband into treatment and to this day still refuses to go. Once he started sleeping around I couldn’t fight anymore. So please don’t assume that all divorced people didn’t work hard to keep their marriages. I understand all too well the effects to my family this has taken, but it was worse for them to see me in it, it’s much better now that I’m out. So after being a homemaker and now empty nester and single, I do need to figure out who I am and start the journey. I appreciate articles like this one. I’m hoping the grass is much greener right where I’m standing today.
Hi Michele, thanks for your comment and yes, I agree that divorce can be very necessary and it’s a brave thing to do. The journey afterwards also has its ups and downs but getting through divorce helped me get the right mindset to go through it. Good luck and take care!
Hi Paul, thank you for your comment. Yes, you’re right that divorce has a range of repercussions and that people stumble through in one way or another and many of us make mistakes. I know I did both before, during and after but I truly believe that as long as we take the lessons then the mistakes are simply part of being human. Some people are never happy constantly looking for greener grass but then again, that’s the condition of the human brain and it’s equally tough for them also. Everyone tries to find their own meanings to things that happen and I only hope that my words and experience show that there is a way forwards to those who still face despair. I don’t want to claim that it’s easy, nor is it better or greener, but life is invariably different afterwards. However, we all have to make the best of what we have, including dealing with consequences.
My problem is that I wasn’t much of anything before marriage, became less so during (so, shocking she didn’t care anymore). After 24 years, now cut off from everyone we knew, barely seeing the kids, and all I’m left with is the work that I burned out on years ago. The only thing I don’t have to live with now is disappointing her every day…but I have to live with myself, all that guilt and shame and failure. There’s literally nothing that interests me, nothing I do brings any joy at all. Just keep going through the motions, I guess. Keep trying to pretend to be alive for the kids.
Hello Sid, thank you for sharing and I’m sad to hear all the pain and suffering you’re going through. I’m afraid there’s no magic wand but perhaps you could consider seeing a professional? Sometimes we need help to guide us back to the path. Most of our cultures teach us that we can do it alone but we are social beings that need our groups, communities and guides to support us through these times. We’ve all been there at some point. I hope you can find the support you need but please message me if you need a few recommendations.
I still feel lost and alone after 8 years divorce!!
Hi Bob, I completely understand and it’s perfectly normal. Just like grief, divorce can take years and I personally believe that we always feel the scar that’s left behind. If you are feeling stuck, I would highly recommend finding a professional therapist or coach to talk to. Trying to recover alone doesn’t always work and sometimes we need a guide. I hope that helps a little.
I am going through the process after 15 years of marriage. We have 4 kids, one grown. I am finding it difficult to find happiness in the day to day life. I feel completely disconnected and like I failed myself, my kids and most importantly God. My new house is quite and lonely. I do not seem to be interested in the opposite sex what so ever. I cry most days, although I was miserable in marriage. I could do no right and was verbally and on several occasions physically abused. I wanted out, but still feel as if I have let my kids down. I lost my in laws and the mutual “friends” we had. I lost my whole world as far as possessions go. What I did gain was freedom and not being put down. Time heals all things, the problem is how much time. Obviously this depends on a case by case basis. Keep yourself busy, find a counselor. I speak to one weekly and next to church it is the most helpful thing out there. Don’t listen to so called experts, everybody is different. When they file, it is time. If you are not loved the way you need, or treated like you deserve, then you can be unhappily married, or find yourself and your happiness. You are NOT alone, Jesus is by your side. Accept your loss, but most importantly, accept Jesus. Give him your burdens, cry, sing,cwrite, walk, whatever keeps your mind off the pain that is constricting you like a vise. Your happiness matters, so does mine.