Is your new boyfriend still married and you’re not sure what to do? Read this advice from author Christina Pesoli!
Dear Christina,
I’ve recently met someone and we’ve fallen pretty hard for each other. Ben and I have so much in common, it’s crazy! We’re both in our 40s. We both have two kids in middle school: a girl and a boy. We’re both engineers. And we both love mountain biking. There’s one big difference, though. I’m divorced and he’s…well…not yet divorced.
You see, I separated from my ex two years ago, and our divorce was final about eight months later. Ben also separated from his wife two years ago (yet another thing we have in common), but neither he nor his wife filed. Ever since she left him, he’s paid for his household expenses, she’s paid for hers, and they coparent their kids without any drama. So, for all intents and purposes, it’s like they’re divorced, they just haven’t done the paperwork.
My best friend can’t get past this technicality. She says dating him is wrong because he’s still a married man. Plus, she’s totally hung up on the fact that he said he was divorced on OKCupid. She thinks he was being untruthful. I think he was just being practical.
Do you think it’s wrong to date him?
Signed,
Head Over Heels in Love
Dear In Love,
I realize this happens all the time, but I think misrepresenting one’s marital status on a dating site raises legitimate questions about a person’s veracity. But at this point, that’s water under the bridge. The bigger issue here is not that Ben said he was divorced on OKCupid, it’s that he is in fact still married.
For reasons more pragmatic than principled, I am opposed to people dating before they are divorced. Simply put, dating has a zero percent chance of making a divorce go smoother, and a bazillion percent chance of making it more contentious. Even I can do that math.
I get that Ben has been separated for a couple of years, and that it was his wife’s decision to move out. And you might think that means his divorce will be smooth, simple, and unemotional. But there’s nothing like a not-yet-ex finding someone new to make the person who wanted the divorce in the first place have second thoughts about splitting up. And when that happens, it’s anything but smooth, simple, and unemotional.
Even if that doesn’t happen, a divorce, no matter how civil, is nobody’s idea of a good time. Sure, they’ve been living separately; but the devil is in the details, and no one has sorted through those yet. Is the house going to be sold? How will they divide the proceeds? What about the retirement accounts? Will anyone pay child support? Who’s picking up the tab for the kids’ braces? Hammering out all of this can get messy.
Ben will be preoccupied with the twists and turns of his divorce at times – and that’s understandable. You will have opinions about how things are or are not getting resolved at times – and that’s also understandable. As a result, your fun, new relationship with Ben will get bumped and bruised in the process of Ben’s divorce. That’s wear and tear on your relationship that would never have happened if Ben had wrapped up his divorce before you two started dating.
So, yes, in a perfect world, people would conclude their previous relationships, paperwork and all, before entering into new ones. But you’re not living in a perfect world; you’re living in Ben’s world. Since it’s not likely that the two of you will take a hiatus while Ben gets his divorce done, let’s develop a practical plan to get you through this.
Up until this point, Ben’s been content to let his ex wife call the shots regarding their separation. She left him. She didn’t file. He sat on the sidelines waiting to see what she would do next. Some people (especially men) take this approach because they are holding out hope for reconciliation. Other people (especially men) think it will result in a kinder, gentler divorce. But now that you two are involved, Ben needs to demonstrate respect for both you and your new relationship by taking the reigns on his divorce. Ben should talk to a divorce lawyer and figure out what constitutes a reasonable time frame for getting his divorce done. Then, he should commit to doing what he can to get things squared away within that time period.
And since the new boyfriend is still married, you should commit to staying out of his divorce drama. Don’t expect him to report to you on how things are progressing. Don’t weigh in with your opinions about property settlements, custody matters, and other details. Remember, if this had been done in the proper order, you wouldn’t have been around for any of those discussions, anyway. His divorce is his project, not yours. The best way to protect your new relationship from any fallout from his divorce is by staying out of it.
If Ben’s divorce is not final within the time period that he commits to get it done, you will then need to identify what the hold-up is. Were there unexpected complications? Is Ben dragging his feet? Or is his wife still calling the shots? Once you figure that out, you’ll know whether to stick around a little longer or cut your losses.
Best,
Christina
Christina Pesoli is the author of Break Free from the Divortex: Power Through Your Divorce and Launch Your New Life.
Great advice about asking Ben to complete the chapter by getting his divorce done, and for In Love to stay out of the settlement negotiations.
Thank you, Martha! I’ve always found that too many cooks can make for a very crowded kitchen.
Or a kitchen fire.
I am pushing 60 and dating a man who has been separated from his wife for over 20 years! Neither ever submitted divorce papers. She left the marriage and the family (2 of his 4 children were later determined were not his but he raised them as his own) and then she disappeared. She has now been found to have suffered a stroke and is in a rehab facility and not mentally stable. Now, I went through a bitter divorce and have to pay alimony, share my pension and he gets to collect on my SS benefits (after 30 years of marriage). I’ve known my boyfriend since grade school and I also knew his wife. I have suggested that he NOT file for divorce because he probably will have to pay for her upkeep and/or share his benefits even though they have been separated for so long. I have no intentions of remarrying so I really don’t care whether or not he is still married. We get along so well we plan to be together in our golden years.
Well said.
This is my problem been with the same man for 7 years have a four year old with him but he will not get his divorce and I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep doing this. Evertime I say something it ends up in a fight I am just ready to leave but I am afraid he will not have anything to do with our daughter. Plz help
Dana, When I was little, my parents fought all the time. Sometimes it would lead to physical fighting. My mom held her own being the strong person she is but I always remember hiding in my room, crying with my sister. Children so young don’t understand the arguments parents have and often times internalize it. They start to believe they did something wrong to cause the fighting. Although it hurt to see my parents separate, it was WAY better than to hear them fight. Now after they separated, my father would promise to see me and then be a no-show. It hurt but I learned for myself what kind of person he is. Selfish, arrogant and had no care in the world about any of his kids.
Growing up with a single mom made me really want to maintain a healthy relationship for the sake of my kids. I found a man I loved and we had 2 boys and got married. Everything was good with some bumps in the road until I caught him cheating. The first time, I wasn’t ready to be on my own and I stayed to work through it. I made a goal for myself and a promise to my boys. I was going to use that time to better prepare myself to be independent. So I did just that. And sure enough when I caught him again, after all of the fights because I never could trust him, I sent him on his way. I couldn’t do it to myself or my kids. They saw us fighting way too much and I refused to let them see any more.
My divorce was final in June and since then, he has disappeared. It’s not easy to look in my boys’ eyes and see the sadness from not seeing their father but honestly, I’m glad they don’t have to keep guessing when he will show up. They are slowly getting used to the fact that he is not coming back. As long as they know they have a strong mother willing to protect them, fight for them and love them unconditionally, they are happy boys.
I understand your dilemma and although your post was a few months ago, I hope you are in a better situation. I also hope this post helps you. You are not alone. It’s a tough decision to make but your daughter deserves the best. Take care!
Ok I’m in a very similar situation. He justifies not getting a divorce because of the money. He also believes that the problem I have with him still being married (for 8 years) is just a reflection of my insecurities and that he has no relationship with the ex nor any feelings of reconciliation.
Have you asked him if there is a plan?
I am still legally married to my ex. It has been 5 years. We have not filed because it’s expensive, don’t have time due to both boys health issues and I get more money this way. We have separated all the assets and coparent well together. I have a boyfriend of 3 years. My dating page said separated. It is not an issue for us because even though we consider it to be a serious relationship we don’t plan on moving in until our kids move out. It can work under the right circumstances.
Thank you so very much for this on both sides of inquiry and suggestion of resolve. I needed to read this and found it to be very very helpful!
Im in the same situation but a lil different. My bf i met off a dating websight is married and from out the country. He has introduced me to his family and i have opnen acces to his facebook, email, and cell phone. He says he has nothing to hide at all and loves me with all his heart. He was young when he got married and has 2 kids 17 and 10. The 10 yr old is havaing a problem with his new relationship bc he peraonally hasent spoke to her about it which i told him to do but he dont know what to say to her. Anyway we had a huge fight yesterday bc he kept telling me the kids were moving here and paperwork has been started and it should happen in like a year from now. I have repeatedly asked like 3-4 times why the kids were coming alone bc he said when we move in together we will need a larger place than what we considered renting. I kept asking why would his ex (whom he claim knows about me and has seen us on fb and he says they are comepletely done and after this process the divorce will happen and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me ) would let the kids come to the us in a long trip alone. Finally yesterday i said his name seriously and i said something is not making since and i want and need to know the missing piece. What arw you not telling me about the kids coming here? How can a mother just let her kids go? Is she in trouble….losing her parenting rights…on drugs…what? Then he looked at me and said she is coming too!!! I immediately lost my appetite ..we were eating…i got so nauseous ..threw up and i lost it. NOT for the fact shes coming shoot thats their mom BUT BC HE LIED AND WITHHELD INFO FROM ME. Keep in mind he has met all 3 myb kids and granchild.My parents wwho love him i have met his step mom and sister who arw already in us whonwe visit every single day to otherday as well as my parents. I am about to make 42 and him 39. ..3 yrs is not a even a big deal to me bc it a so small. Im afraid his daughter will never like me in the future now bc he didnt talk to her first. They meaning his family all speak spanish and his dad broken english who goes back and forth bc he owns a buisness there and here. I dont know how to read or speak spanish which i am about to begin leasons. I do see translations on fb when they tag each other but other wise i have to trust he is being honest with me and now i have doubt …i question every conversation with his family and her and it scares me horribly that im gonna get my heart broke. PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE IT IS MUCH NEEDED.
Hi, I am in a kind of similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend for a year, we live together now with my 10y boy and his 3y and 5y kids. The thing is that he still married but has interim full custody of his children because his wife has bipolar disorder. Recently he told me that his divorce will take at least 2 years because of his wife mental illness and custody issues.
I have been involved in the drama (huge mistake!), social workers, hospitalization, court, etc. but now I am exhausted. I feel that I can’t wait two more years of drama, but there are children involved (huge mistake as well).
I don’t know what to do. I wish I had read your article before going so in.
Best,
Lu
Update: I separated 4 months ago. This was by far the best decision I could have taken. Me and my child are way better. I found out that all the drama was very Toxicología for us and there is no love that can justify so much suffering. At the end that was his issue from the start, not mine. I wish I had separated earlier. Love for all you girls!!!
I’ve been in a relationship with a man who has not been with his wife for 15 years, yet I feel like the other woman. I have never met his family and its been 4 years now. Its time for me to move on
I have been dating a separated man for 10 months now. I am pregnant with his child. He has been separated from his wife since July of last year. I feel like a rebound and also a fallback at the same time. He mentions his worse and torn times with her almost all the time. He listens to almost every single song that reminds him of her. Despite all that, I am still there to love and be with him. Even though in my heart I feel that this is the wrong and most shameful situation I have ever encountered in life. I don’t get how he says love is hard to find and trust yet I give him everything he needs. His relationships with women are terrible and yet I still endure through all the hardships of our relationship. I’m starting to give up already. He says he loves talking about his past even though I have clearly mentioned to him I do not want to hear or have anything to do about it. His past clearly shows me he plays women. I’ve heard about it too. He is hard to love and trust. I just don’t get it. I feel like giving him space and letting him go back to clinging on his past and his wife, whom is evil and vile according to the man. Love ain’t fair, I’ve given too much and all I get is something way heart breaking and ungrateful. this is what makes me unhappy and heart torn everyday. I hope I can find something greater in myself to let him go.
Try to invest less so you wouldn’t get hurt too much if you need to leave him (or the other way around). This is a dangerous situation but take control of your life!
It seems this is more common than not. I am in a very similar situation. I have been with my daughters father for almost 4 years now. He has a son and I have a son from seperate relationships. I’ve never been married but he has. his estranged wife lives in the Midwest and we live in California. she does not call nor see her son at all. She barely calls on holidays smh He didn’t tell me he was married in the beginning he let me to believe he was single I didn’t find out until after I had our daughter. So I had all of these expectations such as a marriage that have not been met and it has put a major hindurance on our relationship. He has tried to file for a divorce and have her served but she gave him the wrong address so the divorce papers were sent back to California. I don’t know what to do anymore is this a deal breaker or should I just continue to wait. It’s Hard!! Please help me because people who are not In the situation don’t seem to understand.
Well I’ve been separated 6 months letting things cool down
Finally we can walk into the office and see things like grown adults and parents not 2 angered people
I think it’s ridiculous to say someone shouldn’t date before divorce is final. It could take a year or two for a divorce to actually become final. someone should be alone and not date for a year or two that’s insane. yes the paperwork should at least have been started but the actual divorce, someone should not have to wait a year or two and be lonely
I am in the same dilemma, have been dating a guy for almost 4 years now. When we met, he told me he was divorced, then after about a month or so, he came clean and said that he was still married but because of financial reasons, they haven’t divorced. He married her after she cheated on him repeatedly before they got married, got pregnant by another man, than she terminated the pregnancy. He still married her, and than after the wedding day he left as he lived in another part of the state, and then he found out she was having another affair, got pregnant again, miscarried and he took care of her after that mess. She lives with the guy and they have been separated for about 12 years. He says he can’t divorce his because he will lose the house, found out she bought it and he didn’t tell me until after I moved in already and gave up my place. Then he said she pays his medical and he had to have some surgeries and once that was taken care that was two years ago, he would file. He filed but she wouldn’t sign and he didn’t pursue it any longer. I am a christian and I feel like I am the other woman, and that I am breaking a commandment and I am going to go to hell over it. I don’t even bring it up anymore. I can only work part time because of my disability so if I leave, I will have to go home to my parents or stay with family out of state. Help! I do love him and we get along great except for this big elephant in the room.