So you are finally divorced from your narcissistic ex, and no longer do you have to endure the day-to-day covert domestic abuse, the passive aggressive manipulation, or his constant attempts to make you look like the bad person.
Or do you? Just because he is your narcissistic ex, doesn’t mean his behavior ever stops. You will, after all, still have to communicate with your narcissist if you have children.
There will be times you need to communicate with your ex, especially if you must co-parent. But because he is a narcissist, the simple act of communicating seems close to impossible. He may not respond to you at all or play games with you via text or email, making you want to pull your hair out. Or the simple request of having him take your child to a sports function ends up in a full-blown argument.
Beware of the narcissistic vortex. It’s his attempt to suck you into his narcissistic fantasy world, where he is always the victim/martyr, and you are his aggressor. It’s his need for narcissistic supply – the gasoline that provides fuel to his ego. He needs to remind himself (and others) that he is still truly special, but because you are now divorced, he knows you no longer consider him the prince he is trying to be. And for that, he resents you greatly.
So how can you communicate with someone who feels constantly threatened by you? While it’s not ideal, it is possible, as long as you never get trapped in his vortex. It just takes a little bit of work and focus on your part.
5 communication tips for dealing with a narcissistic ex:
1. Do not engage:
While you may have to discuss logistics about joint assets or your children, it doesn’t mean you must engage in every comment he makes. Should he insult you, or jab at your self-esteem, do NOT engage. This means do not defend yourself, insult him back, or threaten to take away the said assets or children.
Stick with the goal at hand. Repeat the question and wait for your answer. If the behavior continues, walk away, hang up, or do not reply if it’s via text or email. By engaging him, he has won another round of supply, no matter how negative. It makes you look like the crazy person, and he the victim. Mission accomplished.
2. Reply with ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers:
Unfortunately, with narcissists, they can never write an email or text without passive aggressively knocking your ability to function as an adult. The true secret to communicating is, ironically, little to no response. Reply with ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers, or merely factual replies like, “yes, I am picking kids up at 5 pm today.” Ignore all other stabs or attempts of getting a heated reaction from you.
3. Ignore his “love bombs”:
Perhaps for years, you hoped for just an ounce of empathy from him or anything that shows he truly loves you, but to no avail. But now that you are divorced, he may send you “love bombs,” which are texts or emails that say, “Whatever happened to us?” or “If only you knew how much I truly loved you.” They can come out of the blue when you least expect them, and if you have any hope of reconciliation, these love bombs are dangerous. Don’t fall for them!
A narcissist will never, ever change, so don’t think he has somehow had a divine intervention. He is likely low on supply, and because you have always been that one consistent supplier, he comes chasing after you. Ignore them and do not respond. If you do, you’ll be sucked right into his vortex.
4. Manipulate the manipulator:
What do narcissists want more than anything? Approval and adulation from others. So if you really need something from him, you may have to compliment him. Think of this as a communication strategy, as if he is your potential customer. If you want your customer to buy, you must use persuasive language and make it about them. The same goes for your narcissist. Should you want him to drive Sally to soccer practice because you are stuck at work, simply asking him may not cut it.
Rather, try this approach: “Sally asked me if you could take her to soccer because she loves spending time with you. I know how good you are with her and thought that extra time would make her feel so special. Would you mind taking her today?” Yes, this may feel nauseating, but it really does work. As I said, you have to manipulate the manipulator.
5. Set firm boundaries:
When you first met your narcissist, you likely had few boundaries and continued to ignore the red flags because you wanted to please him. Narcissists hate people with boundaries. They take and take from people who give and give. So if you stop giving, he will have nothing to take. This means stop doing him favors, even if it benefits your child. He may ask for an extra day with your child, despite the custody agreement stating set days.
Or he may ask you to have the kids on a weekend you weren’t expecting, so you cancel your plans just to be nice (after all, that means more kid time, right?). Doing favors for healthy functioning people means a favor in return. But not with a narcissist. You will likely get burned because a narcissist is never thinking about you or your well-being. Stick to the plan. Do not tolerate him being late or adjusting his schedule. Always have the saying, “That’s not okay with me” ready to fire off. If it isn’t okay with you, then say so.
No matter the form of communication with your narcissistic ex, ask yourself, “Does this require a reply?” He will never behave the way you want, and you will never change him. Once you are aware of his inabilities, it will free you from the exhaustion of ever trying or hoping he will be different. Above all, try to remember tip #1, “Do not engage.” it will save you a lifetime of stress and headache.
Most the divorced women online claim to have been married to a narcissist. My exwife claims I was a narcissist. I didn’t want to be divorced and feel like I was happy to live in hell for 2 years while my wife went to counseling to figure out what she wanted to do. When she made up her mind I hired the attorneys, split up all assets as she requested and ended everything in 92 days. I have our daughter most of the time( strange if I was an abusive narc I think)
I no longer wish to be my exwifes friend, I am indeed an all or nothing type of person. I’m still told I was abusive and a narc but she constantly wants to do “family” things together. It’s been a year and I’ve moved on, and will remarry soon. My new girlfriend doesn’t think I am a narc and I’ve seen her counselor as well and she says I’m not a narc. During marriage counseling I was told I wasn’t a narc (answered some questions about it etc)
What comments do you have for those of us who find articles like this thrown in our faces? There are lots of comments from angry Men and women who think they were narc supply but what about those of us who find ourselves in this strange situation?
I wouldn’t say most women. Some are guilty of labeling their ex with some form of personality disorder. Just as a lot of men are divorced from women who have borderline personality disorder. A question for you…what do you care what your ex calls you? If you have a girlfriend and are about to remarry does it matter what she labels you? If she tells you, you are a narcissist shrug your shoulders and say, “whatever.” What she says about you doesn’t play a role in your happiness or piece of mind or, it shouldn’t. If I were you, I’d not worry about what she says or how she labels you, unless, of course, she starts saying negative things to your daughter.
Why is it always a “he”!!!!!! Don’t assume it’s just men that a narcissists. I know several men, through counselling, that are divorcing their narcissistic ex wives and women narcissists can be worse than men.
My narcissistic sociopathic ex wants me to see an old psychiatrist, not because I need to, it is so I spend $300 I do not have for services. He grew up with a very bipolar sometimes schizophrenic mother who would not come out of her bedroom for weeks. I believe my ex needs to see a psychiatrist for mental and emotional abuse on our children. I have one who tried to “hurt” herself and I had to go to five hospitals with her while she was admitted to help her through the abuses of her father. He never came to see her at the hospital. He only came twice when he was demanded to attend a meeting at the rehab facility. My daughter has been with me for five years and had F’s in school because of him. When I had her she turned all her grades to an A. Now another one of my adult children is hurting herself. She recently broke her arm and my daughter had to go over to help her dress and feed her. She is also anorexic because of him. Should I say if I have to see one then he needs to also. Plus the child living with me is doing amazing in school while the kids living with him are failing. How do I tell my lawyer and the mediator that he needs to get psychiatric help as soon as possible. I need help with this ASAP. Thank you
I agree, my ex wife tells my 5 year old I shouted at her and fought with her, took away all the money. Even if it were true, getting kids involved is selfish. Clothes, shoes, jackets never come back from her home and uses the kids as messengers.
Sad
After 7 years with a narcissist, I ended the relationship 6 months ago. We have a child together & all I want is for him to “Want” to spend time with our child. He already has a girlfriend and chooses her & drops us (his 5 yr old little girl & I). The life he chooses doesn’t bother me, but not wanting his child does. I seriously need help on what or how to handle this.
Really, why do you want him in your life at all, You and your Child deserve better. Wake up he’s not going to change.. move on without him.
I have to deal with an ex friend who has NPD this summer on our golf league. I’m not sure how to react, or what to say. It’s been 7 months since we have no longer been friends or have had contact.