Parallel co-parenting developed as a way for parents – particularly those in high-conflict divorces – to focus their energy on raising their child by disengaging from problematic communication with their ex-spouse.
This does not require active cooperation and is a valuable model to consider if you feel that continued communication with your co-parent will be toxic for you and your ability to parent.
Parallel co-parenting minimizes conflict while maximizing the involvement that each parent has in their child’s life. Parents disengage from their co-parent and the pattern of destructive communication. Children benefit because they are removed from being in the middle of their parent’s fights. This model assumes that both parents are safe and healthy with the children.
Tips for Making Parallel Co-Parenting Work
Parents communicate to a minimal extent and in neutral ways for anything except emergencies. All communication is child-centered. Here are some specific tips for making this work during and after a high-conflict divorce:
- Use a website (such as OurFamilyWizard.com) or parenting notebook for communication. Write down all relevant communications about your child’s visit (bedtime, meals, homework, behavior, strategies that worked to soothe your child). It should summarize all the events, including emotional and behavioral, for the other parent.
- Communication should maintain a business-like, respectful tone. It should focus only on the child’s needs. The interactions should utilize the “BIFF response method“: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.
- Unscheduled, verbal communication should be reserved for emergencies only.
- Use email to communicate non-urgent issues and limit these emails to two times or less per month. Also, limit them to one topic.
- For any issues or disagreements, work with a third party. This should be a neutral person, such as a mediator or therapist.
- Transfer of children should occur at a neutral location, such as the school, a library, or a restaurant.
- Each household operates independently.
- Use a “Mom’s house” and “Dad’s house” mantra. The parent in that house determines the rules, chores, routines, and homework. Using this phrase also helps prevent kids from playing parents against each other.
- Avoid being together at child-related events, such as sporting events or school concerts. Take turns attending.
Parallel Co-Parenting Requires a Highly Specific Parenting Plan in Cases of High-Conflict Divorce
This co-parenting model needs a highly specific parenting plan in order to minimize communication. Mediation and collaborative divorce are processes you can consider that will allow you to craft a highly specific parenting plan that meets the needs of your individual children.
After a divorce, it’s important that both parents remain involved in the life of their children regardless of their ability to work with each other. Parallel co-parenting is designed to allow both parents to be very involved in their children’s lives without being involved in each other’s lives.
Some parents may find that after years of practicing parallel co-parenting, they can move on to a more cooperative approach; other some parents stick with this model for the long term because it minimizes the triggers for conflict.
I liked this concept a lot for my divorce. We were not high conflict but I didn’t want to be divorced and spent a lot of time refuting non sense from my wife in counseling. Mainly this nonsense was centered around her being “forced” to do things she didn’t want to do. The councilors insisted what was “best” for the child is to have a happy mom and she wasn’t happy so divorce was best. It didn’t matter if what she was saying was nonsense or not.
Okay. I’ll buy that because it’s not my choice but the next thing coming out of the therapists mouth was how positive interactions after divorce would be best for the kid. My wife expected me to come over for family dinner and attend spotting events as if we were still a family. The therapist acted like I was some kind of an asshole when I pointed out how I’m now bring forced to do things I don’t want to do. All the sudden dad’s happiness didn’t matter. It was now about the child.
I got the best attorney, gave my wife everything but a couple houses and got my kid most the time. I consider it a win for sure. Parallel parenting works for us. We never say mom’s house or dad’s house. We call the homes by their location as if they are the child’s house(lake house, city house, duplex etc)
I opt out of events my ex-wife attends which is just about all of them. I had to have my family uninvite her to my family events. It sucks but isn’t the end of the world. To keep the therapist off my back I made it clear with the attorney and the court has no issue with me doing what is third best for my kid based in the following.
A. First best is married happy mom and dad.
B. Next best is divorced but as the dad I don’t feel like it falls 100% on me to do what is next best. My happiness matters too despite what this industry tells you.
C. So third best is next. That is what we have.
In the end my kid and I get to travel together a lot. There is no conflict between me and my ex. No communication at all actually unless there is a problem with pickup or drop off on an exchange day.