Recovering from my divorce has been difficult. That experience is different for everyone. We’ve all heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
You will likely go through one or all of these stages in the months (or even years) after your divorce, but the intensity and duration of each vary from person to person.
Were you the one who initiated the divorce, or were you the one who never saw it coming? Were you married for twelve years, or for twelve months? Do you have kids together? There are so many variables that affect your recovery from a divorce.
Recovering From My Divorce: The Sixth Stage of Grief
I’d like to propose a sixth stage in the process, what I like to call Wasted Years Syndrome. Maybe it’s a subset of one of the established stages – depression perhaps – but for me, Wasted Years Syndrome seemed to have a lot of power.
I was married for nearly a decade, but I was with my ex-wife for a total of 14 years. I was the one who got dumped. It hurt, and it changed my life dramatically and caused me more stress than any other event in my life. I’m not sure exactly when I caught Wasted Years Syndrome, but it still hasn’t entirely gone away.
What exactly is this syndrome? It’s basic and it goes something like this: I’ll never get those fourteen years of my life back… those were some of my best years… I was with her through all of my 30s… I could’ve been dating all kinds of women… I hate my ex! All those years were a complete waste of time!
Is there any truth to it? Absolutely.
Time is our most precious commodity, and you may now feel like your ex stole some of your best years. Years you can never get back. I should state here that I’m child-free, had an ugly divorce, and never want to see my ex again. I’m lucky to have that luxury.
No kids to keep me tethered to her. I’m sure that Wasted Years Syndrome is different if you have beautiful kids together — at least something good came out of the marriage, right? But those with children may suffer from their own form of Wasted Years Syndrome. I don’t know. All I can do is tell you about my version of the disease.
Did I have a lot of good times with my ex? Of course.
I’ll never forget the day I met her. It was just a few days after 911 in 2001. I was visiting my family at the time and was scheduled to fly back home on September 12th, which didn’t happen due to the lockdown of airports and the cancellation of numerous flights. When I was finally able to return, my roommates at the time couldn’t pick me up at the airport, so they sent their friend to do it – in my car!
At first, I was irked that a total stranger was using my car, but when I finally saw my little red Honda Civic roll up and I made eye contact with this unknown woman, we both smiled. There was some sort of spark between us from minute one.
Writing the previous paragraph made sad, and a little nostalgic too. I have many “good” memories of times spent with my ex, but there’s a major problem with them now. They’re tainted. It’s hard for me to recall them with any real fondness, for they are only memories of a ghost — the ghost of a person who is still alive. The ghost of a person who caused me immense distress.
Feeling Like Your Married Years Were a Waste of Time
It’s no wonder that so many divorced people experience Wasted Years Syndrome when recovering from divorce. The person who was supposed to be there “till death do us part” has instead abandoned you. It’s easy to feel like all those years were a big waste of time.
In the months right after my divorce, I felt like my past, present, and future had all been compromised – and I floated in that awful place for quite some time. I’ve finally gotten a better hold on my present. I’m happy in the now. The future is still uncertain, but I’d like to think that I can build a better life for myself and things will be alright. But the past? Those 14 years with my ex? Were they a complete waste of time?
I don’t know, but it sure does feel that way.
Hi John,
The question is did she monkey-branch before she pulled the pin?
Was her new partner socio-economically better off than you?
Was she desperate to have children and you were stalling?
Children were definitely a factor. Throughout the entire time I knew her, she “never wanted to have kids.” Then, during her midlife crisis meltdown (turning 40) she suddenly 180’d on me and talked about adopting a kid. Yeah. Just what I want – to be taking care of a 20 year old’s college bills, etc. when I’m 64. I stuck to my position. A few months later, she split. Not sure about your first two questions. She did remarry within a year and a half after our divorce.
I feel your pain John. It’s so hard to think about memories with my ex-husband in them and feel the happiness I had at that time. I feel like he robbed me of that happiness when we divorced. And the “leaver” comes into the divorce more emotionally prepared for it than the one who is left. So I resent him for that as I wonder if the divorce didn’t hurt him as much as it did me. I am trying to view our 15 years together as a Chapter in my life. Trying to not get depressed when I think about all of the good memories, especially when they were memories including family and friends. I don’t want to taint their memories as well because of my sadness now. I’m 2 years out from my divorce, hoping I can let these sad feelings go now and not think about the “what if I hadn’t chose to be with him.” Life would have been different, yes, but not necessarily better.
Hi Laurie: thanks for the thoughtful comment… I know exactly what you mean. I try to remember the good times, trips, places we went, etc.— and they can still be sort of good memories. The odd thing though now is that my ex isn’t really in them anymore… sort of like she just fizzled away. It’s definitely a weird thing to experience, and sort of terrible. And you’re right about the “leaver.” They’ve already emotionally checked out. It’s a hard reality to face, but your ex (and mine) probably don’t really give two sh*ts about us. Otherwise, they wouldn’t (and couldn’t) have done what they did. My best friend summed it up pretty well. He said my ex was a “project manager” in all facets of her life, including her relationships with people. I was a “project.” When she finally got bored with the project (and met someone else & thought the grass would be greener) she simply closed out her current project and started a new one. Didn’t matter what else was going on in our life at the time. Didn’t matter that we’d just bought a house a few weeks ago. The project was over, and she was starting a new one. Period.
I wish you the best and hope you get through this… it’s definitely not something I’d ever wish on anyone, even my worst enemy.
Hang in there! And thanks for reading 🙂
Its hard to get over well pretty much the whole thing when essentially the person you thought you were marrying turned out to be a complete liar, fraud, deceiver, narcissistic its all about me.
I’m still recovering from being dumped after a 37 year marriage by an Email. I was 18 when we married talk about wasted years.
JoAnn,
I feel your pain. You are not alone. I just split up with my wife. I am 68 she is 65. I gave up caring about her. I am looking at living alone. I do not want a women in my life. I have resigned my self to the fact that I will die alone. It is okay. I will be in a nice cabin on 10 acres surrounded by my beloved wildlife. Everyone but bears get fed. That is where I want to live out the rest of my life. I cannot understand, at our age, why she did not want to resolve any of our issues. I think back, with regret, that I did not give up on her sooner. The signs were there. I never saw them. Never would resolve anything! So I am alone. I am no longer fighting with anyone. I only go out when I want to. I had hip replacement surgery 5 weeks ago. Doing everything on my own. I can do it. So could you. Move forward. Forget the wasted years you can’t do a thing about them. This is your time to be selfish. Treat yourself well. Nobody else is will. Good luck!
Mike
I’m sorry this happened to you. It is (to say the least) a punch in the gut when u think someone loves you and u discover it’ was all a facid. I’m 67 old woman and I don’t know how to trust a man anymore..my xhusband cheated on me for 30 years. With his old girlfriend. I divorced him. My mistake was trusting him. Just can’t wrap my head around why he just didn’t stay with his girlfriend?? Maybe I could have been able to meet a nice man that isn’t a cheater. Water under the damn now. Can’t get those years back . Are there nice men out there😳?
How are yall doing? 20 years for me.
Yes, there are nice men. The problem is the majority of women are not interested in them until they’ve been burned by the jerks and alpha males. Then it’s quite late in the game. Jerks are who women are attracted to when they are younger. They like confidence, but “confident” often times means asshole. Ask any “nice” guy, and he’ll tell you he’s been watching it since middle school. The girls/women go for the guys who mistreat them, then say “where are the nice guys?”. They’re not hiding, most women just refuse to see them.
This is how I feel too.
And I’m lucky in that we didn’t have children together, although he was step father to my son for 29 years. It was an ugly divorce, too, and I never want to see him again either.
I still have anger over his lying, deceit, manipulation, gaslighting and betrayal.
When the person you love and trust the most for 30 years betrays your trust, it ruins all the past memories and causes you to question your own feelings and sense of what it real.
I’ve been divorced since November 23, 2022 (he left suddenly November 7, 2020), and I wonder if my marriage was based on an illusion of love.
So, my journey now is in learning to love myself first and foremost, and trust myself first, too.