Are You Heading for Divorce, or is Your Marriage getting Better and Better?
If your Grandma was like mine, she’d have an abundance of proverbs or little sayings from her own childhood that she’d slip into our conversation to make a point, often a moral one. One of her favorites was the proverb: “March winds and April showers bring forth May flowers.” First recorded in 1886, it mirrored sentiments from a poem recorded in 1610: “Sweet April showers/Do spring May flowers.”
In Grandma’s eyes, this visual imagery of showers-then-flowers captures life’s natural progressions. For her, the wet discomfort of April showers produced the beauty and joy of May flowers. In response to my impatience, or rebelliousness at the time, she might even say, “Everything in its own good time, my dear.” Be methodical. Careful. Thoughtful. And rewards will come. There are developmental stages in life, just as in nature. As surely as spring follows winter, and summer follows spring; as surely as a baby crawls then walks then runs; if your marriage has become one long series of fights and bitterness, then the relationship’s natural trajectory is downward. So – are you heading for divorce? And if so, what are you prepared to do about it?
Are You Heading for Divorce? How You Relate to Each Other will Help to Answer that Question…
Although nuanced and complex, the nature of relationships also follows a natural progression. Sometimes the progression is positive, and sometimes it is negative – after all, into every life a little rain must fall! But if it rains too hard for too long, then the soil can wash away, leaving no fertile ground in which seeds can grow into flowers. To bring that metaphor back to your marriage, there are steps that can progress in either a positive or a negative direction. Both start with a stimulus, which triggers a response. Here’s an example of the A, B, Cs of a negative or a positive progression:
Negative Progression
A. Stimulus/Trigger
B. Pain (often not acknowledged)
C. Defense (punch back or withdrawal)
Positive Progression
A. Stimulus/Trigger
B. Pain acknowledged (empathy first)
C. Repair (often an apology)
So here’s how an example can be played out in either a negative or positive progression.
Are You Heading for Divorce? The NEGATIVE A-B-C Progression:
A. The Stimulus/Trigger
First Partner: “Honey, I scraped the passenger door on the car today on that stupid garage pole.”
B. Unacknowledged Pain (you are certainly not in your partner’s shoes)
Second Partner: “Oh, come on! You’ve got to be kidding! You dented the car again?! You did that six weeks ago – why can’t you be more careful?! That’s another 500 bucks down the drain.” (Appropriate facial expressions and/or hand gestures can accompany either the man or woman saying this to his/her partner. This is all gender-neutral, after all!)
The First Partner’s amygdala, the midbrain’s emotion center, is taking over. Like when the zebra at the watering hole looks up and sees – or thinks they see – the bushes move. LION! A threat! The zebra moves quickly into fight/flight/freeze defensive/reactive, don’t-wanna-be-eaten mode.
C. Defensive Response
The First Partner moves into full “amygdala hijack” mode: frontal lobes, the rational thinking cortex is now “offline.” This zebra is now in full flight from the perceived threat.
First Partner: “Well! Speaking of down the drain, you dropped the spoon into the garbage disposal just last week, and now we have to pay for a whole new disposal! Were you texting with your friend again when you dropped the spoon? Why can’t you be more careful?!”
Are You Heading for Divorce? The Four Horsemen
Well-known psychologist/couples researcher John Gottman Ph.D. has identified four broad categories of such destructive responses, which he called “The Four Horsemen.”
1. Criticism: You’re the problem. I’m fine. Blame/point finger at the other.
2. Defensiveness: Counterblames, or acts like the victim.
3. Contempt: Act superior, talk down to the other.
4. Stonewall: Withdraws (often to self-soothe); no eye contact, may leave the room.
Dr. Gottman chose a dramatic literary allusion to make a point. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are described in the Book of Revelation, the New Testament’s last book. It tells how Christ opens the first four of seven seals of a book in God’s right hand. Summoned forth ride four beings on white, red, black, and pale horses. Most interpret these riders to symbolize Conquest, War, Famine, and Death respectively.
Dr. Gottman’s point is that these four responses are serious stuff – often a death knell for a relationship.
If you and your partner use or experience any (or all) of the Four Horsemen, you’re likely to be pretty unhappy, and probably pretty exhausted from often being in amygdala hijack mode. Moving from your negative A-B-C progression into a positive A-B-C progression will take some work.
Are You Heading for Divorce? Or Is Your Marriage Getting Better? The POSITIVE A-B-C Progression:
A. The Stimulus/Trigger
First Partner: “Honey, I scraped the passenger door on the car today on that stupid garage pole.”
B. Unacknowledged Pain (Empathy First)
Second Partner: “Oh man…” (Swallow. Pause.) “That must’ve really upset you.” (Empathy First) OR “That damn pole! I’ve had trouble with it, too. We have to do something about it…”
C. Repair (often an apology)
Or, if you’ve blurted out how much this dent will cost, you can peddle back to an empathetic discussion by saying something like, “I’m sorry I said that. You know how worried I am about money since I didn’t get that raise we were hoping for.” The First Partner can then apologize for not driving carefully, and can also acknowledge how they, too, are worried about their stretched budget. “Maybe we’ll wait to fix the dent,” etc.
You’ve both taken responsibility for both your actions and your reactions. You’ve found common ground in your shared concern about the budget, and maybe you’ve even problem-solved together. To progress in a positive, not negative, direction takes a lot of self-regulation of your feelings (e.g., no amygdala hijack), the capacity to put yourself in your partner’s shoes (or driver’s seat, in this example), and genuine motivation to have a great relationship/be a team over the wish to “be right” (and make your partner wrong)..
My Grandma might even have said, “Sure is easier and quicker to plant those flowers together!”
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