The issue of sleepovers with a new partner or latest flame raises its head in many of my divorces. During the divorce, courts in Michigan, where I practice family law, make it clear that this is a no-no.
What about after the divorce is final? In many situations, people will rush into a new relationship too quickly. Sadly, many people also rush into new marriages, often with divorce number two or three lurking on the horizon.
In Michigan, the courts generally will not forbid overnights with the children being present unless there is a clause in the divorce judgment covering that issue.
I have many cases where we negotiate a clause stating that there shall be no overnights with an unrelated party of the opposite sex while the children are present. In light of the legalization of same-sex marriages, it should also include same-sex relationships. If negotiated and part of a judgment or settlement agreement, the courts will enforce this.
Let’s look at certain realities:
1. Why rush and introduce your children to your latest flame?
2. Even in a serious or long-term relationship, be careful around the children. Think of the song “Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear To Tread.” There is a lot of truth to that.
3. The biggest problem is former spouses who go from one relationship to the next and bring the children into the picture too quickly.
4. Patience regarding new relationships and your children should be a virtue.
5. The key is what is in the best interests of your children and not what is best for your new friend or your raging hormones.
6. Remember children are too often the innocent victims or pawns in a divorce, and they should not be put in that situation in new relationships.
7. You are a role model for your children.
8. The example that you are setting, especially if you introduce them to frequent “friends,” partners, or flavors of the month can be very damaging.
9. If you are in a serious relationship, bring the children into it gradually and consider the fact that your children, in most situations, want you back with your former spouse and not with someone else.
10. Consider that the aforementioned number 9 is especially true where the new “flame” contributed to the demise of your marriage.
11. If you and your new significant other are willing to be patient, then many of these issues will be resolved.
12. Caution is a virtue.
These are some of my thoughts on what to consider before having sleepovers with a new partner.
What are your thoughts?
Why do you (and every other writer on the internet) assume that your reader is rushing into things? There are literally no guidelines out there to help divorced, single parents like me, who are in long-term committed relationships. I haven’t rushed into anything – waited more than a year to even introduce my kids to my new partner, whom I would like to take gradual steps with, towards one day co-habitating. I would rather not spring that on my kids, but there are literally no articles to help with my thought process. How can I be cautious with no resources to thoughtfully guide my decisions to move the needle. How long is enough – 2 years together? 5 years? Based on most of what’s out there, it sounds like never.
Indeed! I have been divorced for 5 years and dating my partner for 4 years. Even though it is 100% serious (obviously) we have kept separate households. But now because of finances, we really need to move in together in order to continue living in the same area in which my kids live.
Apparently no one else has this situation on the internet and we are expected to maintain two households until the kids are 18.
It is super frustrating — per all the advice, I introduced my partner as my “friend” a while ago and the kids get along very well with him, we have not shown any affection in front of the kids, although he has spent the night a couple of times on a separate air mattress, but now how do I tell my teens that I’m in a committed relationship and we are taking the next steps? There is literally no “conversation map” for how you make that transition in a healthy way.