Going through a divorce encompasses the stages of grief. There may be anger or signs of depression during divorce. One may be in denial about the whole process, thus delaying the sessions. One mourns losses — identity, lifestyle, or losing some mutual friends. It takes time getting through the grief process with divorce and moving on. When the death of an ex-spouse occurs on top of this, this grief cycle can be reactivated again.
The Reactivation of the Grieving Process
Even if the former spouse is a dim recollection, their death can trigger a myriad of emotions. It can start one on a trip down Memory Lane with rehashing both the good and troubling ones. Shock may be the first reaction. Take a pause in your busy life to acknowledge and then process these mixed emotions. Pour out your feelings to friends over lattes, get some fresh air with a walk in a leafy area, or release tension through physical activities. There are no “shoulds” – “I should feel sad,” “I should have done,” etc. You did what you felt was best at that time. Whatever you are feeling is fine. In some cases, the death of a former spouse brought up the issue of abandonment all over again, as it had with divorce.
Other folks I interviewed claimed that they felt absolutely nothing upon hearing about their former partner’s demise. It felt impersonal, as if it was someone in the news who had died. Their divorce was behind them and their ex had not been in their thoughts for a long time. Three women who had divorced abusive husbands felt a sense of relief when these men died. It was closure for a traumatic time in their lives, and they no longer had to worry about bumping into these toxic former spouses.
People can be devastated when learning about their former spouse’s passing. This death firmly closes the door to fantasies of reuniting when one has carried a glimmer of hope for their ex’s return. They cried, screamed, and vented to friends about losing this person a second time.
My friend Gretchen and her husband had different ideas of how to spend the Empty Nest years. She dreamed of Paris and other exotic locales and he of lounging at home. Other issues bubbled up as well, which led to divorce. She had harbored the idea that at some point, they would get back together. It took Gretchen three years to accept Don’s death and go through the grief cycle. She pulled away from friends and wallowed in self-pity. Gretchen moved across country to a charming seaside town near her parents. This jolted her out of her misery and she reconnected with friends and joined various groups. She met a fantastic guy in her dining club and enlarged her social circle.
3 Things to Consider When Grieving the Death of an Ex-Spouse
1. Helping Your Children Cope with Grief
When one has children, they require support when grieving for a parent. This is challenging when you need extra support too. When you feel depleted, ask a relative or friend to listen to your child. Have them spend time with your kid and do something fun. This is great for the wee ones and you get some space to mourn. If you feel too frazzled to do all of your tasks, think of some short-cuts. Tell your parents that you and the kids are available to have dinner with them. Feel free to pick up healthy take-away meals at a deli.
2. Determining the Benefits You’re Entitled To
Talk to your financial advisor to determine what personal and government benefits you are entitled to receive. A co-worker emphasizes this point and receives $10,000 per year from her deceased ex-husband’s social security. When experiencing grief, it removes a burden when not having to worry about finances. My divorce attorney stipulated in our decree that my higher-earning spouse had to have a life insurance policy that covered maintenance and child support in case he died.
3. Getting Away
However you are feeling about your ex-spouse’s death is OK. If stuck in despair, perhaps see a professional, if even for one session. Consider getting away and having an adventure in a far-flung place to banish lingering melancholy. A vacation can be rejuvenating.
I think I have another perspective on this. I have read how you ladies feel like you were cheated out of your grief because the new wife excluded you from the funeral but in reality you excluded yourselves right after you filled for divorce.
You see, when you filled for divorce you caused him and his family great pain. If you had kids he had to pay child support and often you talk about your ex becoming your fiend and being civil. In actually that was force because he had to deal with you and we wanted to keep your drama to a minimum. He often talked about you behind your back as you talked about him with your friends. He disliked even picking up the phone when you called. He gritted his teeth every time you had your new husband spend time with his kids. He hated you for taking that part of his life away.
Eventually, he probably remarried. This woman decided she wanted to spend the rest of her life and unlike most of you she lived him. She became his one and only and might have had a child with him.
So, now he is dead and you feel guilt and rightly so. His family dislikes you but smiles and say they understand when actually they hope you spare them the embarrassment of having to tell you to stay away from the funeral and showing. The newer wife remembers all the stuff you pulled during the divorce and his dealing with you and she is secretly glad she doesn’t have to see you again. The only thing she wants at that moment is to be alone with her grief with the man you do not love but she will miss. His family are still hurt by your rejection and they don’t want you around.
But, you didn’t take the hint, showed up, was treated like you were yesterdays pizza and now you feel sad, alone and rejected. HMMMMM kind of like what he felt when you filed. You new husband is scratching his head trying to figure you out. You talk about how supportive he is but really he wants to minimize your drama too.
Moral of the story? Everything you do in life has consequences. You divorced him saying that you didn’t want to be his family anymore. He moved on, you moved on. The consequence of your decision is that you don’t get flowers or consideration. Accept it and move on.
People divorce for a myriad of reasons and your comments are filled with assumptions and judgements. I love my ex husband but divorced him because he was not a father or husband to our baby or me once we became parents. I was responsible for everything. All the late nights awake and the all-nighters because he never changed a diaper or allowed me private alone time. Then, the meaningless ‘overnights away’ came along, travel, entertaining clients that became meaningless lovers until l finally decided l had to at least save what self respect l had left.
Yes, we divorced and although l did most of it, we semi/co-parented. He loved our child but always on his terms. He continued after our divorced to remember me on Mother’s Day, Birthdays, Anniversaries, and days that were special to us. I kept every card and letter he ever wrote. Our child will always know how much his parents loved each other. Then, while dating someone, he became sick and told me he was going to commit to the relationship so he was assured of companionship. I wanted to change places with him because l knew how fearful he was. She was agreeable to living together and as he lies dying in the hospital, she doesn’t want me there. l had to involve lawyers to permit our under 12 child to visit. In order to speed up the process, I agreed our child could go in to visit without me. That’s the most selfless, beyond thoughtful, kindest, showing of love possible especially when our child was fearful and needed me there.
Rethink your comment and realize divorce can be more horrible than death to some. I will attend the funeral because l don’t want my child there sitting with someone else thinking l don’t care or without me in need of my comfort. I don’t care about trivial chit-chat. It’s going to be ‘in and out’ then we begin again, my child and me once again, starting over.
Nope. I just told it like it is Trump style.
Well that explains everything
Well said, Pat, haha! He sure sounds bitter. It’s sad for him that he looks at all women now and only sees his ex-wife.
Well there you go. That explains all the negative you came up with to be abusive to a person for grieving.
I can feel your bitterness. there are support group for people like you. Your lack of compassion is definitely a sign of your anger. May you find peace and learn to love again.
Awwwwww. How sweet………not. sorry. You chose to divorce him. If you were married you would have been beside him not her. Sorry. Know your place
Wow. U r in alot of pain and lashing out anger
Sad
To anonymous, you presume to know what goes on in every divorce. I was not married to my ex, nor did I have any children with him. Yes, I was living with him, and unbeknownst to me this meeting and that meeting was actually with her. I trusted him. My ex is with the woman he cheated on me with. But now he is in a home and dying of Alzheimer’s/dementia. Yes, I chose to remove myself from our19 year relationship, because he would not give either of us up. That doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt. I love him still. I won’t go tohis funeral because I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing him like that, or seeing her. She knew about me. I would never have allowed myself to take a man that was with another woman. And since she in few he was always lying to her as well, i would have told him to take care of your shit, or leave me alone. I hate what he did to me, but I don’t hate him.
Trying being kind, since you don’t know what other people might have gone through and may still be going through.
I was married to my husband for 32 years. The last 15 he was an angry alcoholic . He mentally ravished my well being. My depression became so deep I felt like I was dying. We have 2 grown children together. I still loved him but divorced him 5 years ago because he would not get help after begging for a few years. He passed away last Sunday at the age of 56. I am beyond devastated and griwving in a terrible way. I did get to see him the Friday before he passed and feel a little better because of that. Every divorce has its own story and nobody should judge someones love for another.
Dear Nicole, you have my sincere sympathy as I went through exactly the same thing.
After a 35 year marriage, I was dead inside from watching him try to kill himself with the booze. We stopped having marital relations about 8 or 10 years before that however, I was stubborn and wanted to stay married until the end. But, I filed for divorce and was granted one in 2015.
He was diagnosed on 9/29 with stage 4 cancer and told he had 4 weeks to 6 months but he died last Sunday. Only five days later. I’m grieving in silence as no one seems to get that the love didn’t die just the relationship.
I still loved him I just wasn’t in love with him.
Wow! Evil.
How very judgemental.Your comments are cruel and not helpful to anyone
Just telling it like it is Trump style.
I don’t think it’s judgemental, i agree. Just that the situation isn’t ALWAYS like that. But yes, if you divorced under bad circumstances, there is no reason to show up at the funeral unless you are there for your children. Otherwise, why show up for someone who was not fair in the divorce or tried to make your life hell? Death doesn’t suddenly erase a person’s reputation. That’s like excusing rude, terrible seniors because they are old. No one should get a free pass
Anon speaks for many ex-spouses of both sexes who were blind sided by divorce. No, it doesn’t fit all the time. It does fit often enough. 26 years after my divorce my ex kissed me on the cheek and told me she loved me at our son’s wedding. Well… had she figured that out she should not have filed for divorce and went through two more husbands!. My ex spouse died to me 20 years ago. It took 7 years post divorce for my love to die and it eventually did. Like many ex spouses I did not just loose my marriage partner – I lost my kids and my family life and all my dreams were destroyed. I rebuilt as many of us do but I rebuilt without my ex. I just know my kids are suffering now and I hurt for them…. I for one do not need to revisit all the pain my ex created with her divorce filing and her relentless attempts to wipe me out of my children’s lives afterwards so that her life would be “easier.” I will probably take the last pew in church at the funeral. I will not impose on viewing and I will not go grave side. That is the best I can do. I am sorry for her fatal illnes – but the only persons I will grieve for are my now adult children. They did not deserve to loose their mother this young. Then again – neither did I 29 years ago…. And yes, I believe understanding Anonymous is important and helpful to many. I could only wish I had a harmonious post divorce circumstance. It didn’t happen and frankly – rarely does with the people I know when they are being honest.
nope life has consequences. If you speed you get a ticket, if you divorce and publicly grieve people think you are an idiot…….
It doesn’t erase a long time with a person, like 40 years. When I left I felt we didn’t have a marriage. I was afraid to go back because of the grief i had and was causing, didn’t want to cause that again if it didn’t work. I lost everything. Then as I was feeling some better, he got terribly sick. I offered to do whatever I could, but it ended up on my son. When he died, the grief came back as new and intense. I truly believe if it was me, he would feel the same. I have been in deep grief for years now, no ones fault although there is a lot of misunderstanding.
For 2 years he suffered with GBM, and I felt heartbroken he was going through this. He died almost a month ago. I pretend to most people that I am not bereaved.
To the man who is Trump- esqe, we all have individual stories and you are generizing your story to everyone, which is exactly like Trump who is a dictator. Telling it like it is for you, be damned everyone else. .
Divorcing is personal and unique to each person.
Hear, hear…..I noticed men don’t wring their hands like this. Ladies. We love your ex you don’t. Stay the hell away and grieve in private. We know how to comfort his kids. They are family. You are not family to us anymore.
You are an absolute trump-style idiot! 😂😂😂
Well said, can’t agree more. My mother just died, my ex called about wake and funeral arrangements? Really? How about go to he@# , you’re not welcome!
Really you sound bitter every situation is different. My ex husband molested my daughter and abused us. He decided he had a right to date other women and wanted me dead. I had to run for my run for my life. Just saying leaving is sometimes a matter of life and death.
Ridiculous! Every situation is different. I worked extremely hard to keep our marriage intact but it was one sided and my ex husband was also physically and mentally abusive along with cheating… I begged him to go to counselling and work on our marriage! We have 2 beautiful grown sons’ and4 beautiful granddaughters. He was very sorry and regretted many things as we talked about this. My grief is beyond anything I ever expected and I did not divorce him to hurt him but it was not getting any better and definitely not good for our boys to continue the way we were. I was the only one putting the effort in and as far as child support, that is exactly what it is!
Very twisted perspective. Maybe an abuser in a relationship would see that as a clear response… the abused when watching her children go through all the pain again struggles, but an abuser would of course make her out to be the bad one. That’s just how an abuser thinks.
Sorry you had such a miserable divorce. This couldn’t be more unlike my experience with my ex. Not all women want to divorce their exes. Some of us had no choice.
You should run for president
Spoken from the ‘perspective’ of someone who’s been jilted ‘anon’ !?? Shame on you for being so beastly.
I’m going to the funeral for myself and my children. Oh well….if a “few” snub me 🙂
I am so confused about my grief regarding the death of my ex husband6 months ago… I can’t seem to get past the good memories that flood over me. He was abusive in the latter years and cheating so I divorced him but the pain of him being gone is beyond my understanding, perhaps there was unresolved issues? We do have 2 grown sons’ and were married for 10 years… Divorced for over 20 years.
I agree. My ex was a cheater and, I learned after our divorce, also a criminal. I don’t understand why I am grieving his passing so intensely. I think it may be because the things that he did wrong were not ever done in front of me. On the surface, he was the kindest and most loving man I have ever known. So, of course my memories are almost all positive. I can’t seem to convince my heart that I was better off without him. And now that I don’t even have the choice anymore, it’s nothing less than agonizing. I am literally immobilized by pain. 😢
This is so how I feel. I left because of the physical abuse. When I was threatened with a gun at my head I knew for my sons sake it had to happen . I know people will say how could you love somebody like that,but he was a lovely person, most of the time but couldn’t control his anger at times. If he had been younger there would have been anger management, counciling, he was ill treated as a child, there was nothing in place then to help people in that situation we had the best times but also the worst I left because I had too not because I wanted to, please people don’t prejudge we are all individuals with feelings and most people don’t set out to intentionally hurt others sometimes you can’t live together but you find it difficult to live apart, and you miss that person and the life you left behind, even though you look like you have moved on, and you probably have, if somebody shares a big part of your life you will grieve for what really is the end
The craziest thing has happened to me , I feel like I am losing my mind …Some back story …I was married to my husband for seven years , we divorced and I thought that I hated him since our divorce 40 years ago….He passed away nine years ago , I was sad to hear that he diet but I was very sick at that time and did not dwell on his death .. ….Last week a picture of our first apartment together popped up on my FB for rent ….Since then I have been depressed , crying just about everyday , everytime I think of him tears well up …I have dug some pictures out that I had packed away ….We had a nasty divorce and I know that he hated me but we were together seven years and had two daughters together …I am feeling so guilty and wondering would it have made a difference when we separated had I looked at pictures of him , of us , of our first apartment ….When I left him I never went back to try again , I feel so guilty now for not trying again ….My parents told me if I went back to him that they would never help me again , I was a grown woman of 30 years of age and succumbed to my parents wishes ….They had controlled me and interferred with several other previous relationships …To say that I came from a dysfunctional family is putting it mildly ….I think I need electric shock therapy or something , perhaps I have a brain tumor but I am so filled with grief and am miserable and sad…..
I’m experiencing this very thing right now.
Oh and ps. I honored my grief at my former husbands funeral by being involved with arrangements reading a poem and standing beside my daughter in the receiving line. I was met with wRm hugs fondolences and compassion. I am honored to have maintained a 20 year friendship with him and miss him alot. We shared a grown daughter togerther who is devastated. But she has seen her mother love forgive let go and stay connected to her dad not just for her sake but for my ex and my sake
Neither one of us remarried. He spent christmas and easter with me and my family. Never allow anyone to push you diwn ir tell u hiw to feel or that you shouldnt go to an ex funeral. If your heart hurts go. Offer support to those left behind and definitely get support for yourself. You will need it. Thank you God for the gift of compassion forgiveness and humility. My heart can be at peace. Finally my ex exists in a Higher Consciousness now. He gets it. We may not be in a physical relationship but i can choose to believe we are spirtually connected and you can bank on it that i will be sharing all if the joys of my daughters lufe with him
Pat, your experience sounds similar to mine. My former husband and I were married for 29 years. Twenty years ago, I divorced him because he wanted to have sexual relations with men. Yes, the divorce was painful. I felt as if my arms and legs had been ripped off.
Since our divorce, we remained friends and held the core of our family together for our two grown sons. “Love, forgive, let go and stay connected” describes our relationship. We shared a long and wonderful history together and apart.
I remarried in 2005 and while I love my second husband totally, I also remained friendly with my ex. Out of respect for my current husband, I seldom mentioned my ex.
When my ex died in September 2018, my sons seemed at a loss for what to do or how to handle a funeral for their father. We decided to skip an immediate funeral and instead hold a celebration of life memorial about a month after his death. I wound up planning and putting together the event.
Yes, thank God for the gifts of compassion, forgiveness and humility. I am truly glad I knew my ex and I treasure the life and experiences we shared. Today as I think of his passing, I feel a certain lightness of being, as in Don’t cry because it’s gone. Smile because it happened.
Ladies, anon is right. You are not family…..You do not get to grieve like family……You made a decision to divorce and you cut that tie. It might have been what you had to do. Your grief does not matter in a formal sense and you are no more important then the neighbor at this point. Don’t humiliate yourself. Do the honorable thing and skip the funeral and if you must go light a candle quietly away from evetyone and stop being an attention hog.
This just isn’t always the case. I never stopped loving my ex, but his drug addiction and his behavior while using put me and our children in danger. I tried to keep our marriage together, tried to get him help, but after 8 years of trying to get him to get clean, I realized all I was doing was enabling him. I did everything I could to make sure my kids knew their dad loved them despite what he and his sister said about me. Even though we were divorced, I was the one at his bedside holding his hand throughout his final weeks when no one else would. I was there when he died and helped cover the cost of his funeral. I wish things had been different, but they were what they were. I am so thankful that in the end, he realized I did love him and allowed me to sit beside him when he crossed over. Perhaps it would have been different if he had met someone else and moved on himself.
JC, love always wins. I was the one at my First husbands bedside when he was dying. He always said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I lived him. He was an addict. I had to choose my child over his addiction. I will always love him. I am grateful for making amends. Always wishing him the best. It still hurts. I am remarried and am still grieving. My daughter loved him, and is still grieving. Even though he hurt us with his choices. It is not for anyone to judge. We were a family. We will always be connected and love each other. I helped with his memorial services and think about him every day. His family was not there for him and they are the first to throw stones. Life. They weren’t there for the ups and downs or to be a part of his world when he was alive. It may make some feel better to discount family members once they are gone…just celebrate their legacy and how many people and lives they touched.
I found out last night that my ex husband passed away 3 weeks ago. The feeling is indescribable. I am very sad, shocked, angry, hurt, lonely even..yet, we have been divorced for 9 years and have no children. I am still heartbroken. He told me when we were married that he would die young, (he was 49 when he passed away 3 weeks ago), and that bothered me, but he was right. I pulled out our old pictures and letters and cried. No matter what happens, unless they are abusive obviously, you still miss them. You shared a life and Loved that person and they will always remain a part of you, regardless of whether you are divorced or not. As a side note, I want to say that I Love You Still, Gary Duane Thomas, your ex wife Jennifer Lynn Bradt.
Jennifer, I’m so sorry you lost your beloved husband. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I pray you’ll find comfort and peace. Even when you’re married a long time and the husband leaves, years later, there is a feeling of loss and loneliness but not anywhere near what you’re enduring. Bless you and I wish you the best.
Cynthia, thank you so very much for your reply. It is now August and while I think about it less, it is still there almost daily. I just hope and pray that he is in a good place and is happy. Thank you for your blessings. I genuinely appreciate your well wishes. It means a lot to me.
My ex husband died three days ago. We have been divorced 17 years and I have since remarried to a wonderful man who is the love of my life. My ex died of a drug over dose. Which was the same reason I divorced him in the first place – his continued drug use after the birth of our two children who are now young adults. I don’t have any feelings of grief, only anger that he couldn’t get his life together and now my two children don’t have a father and have to deal with their grief. I lost my father at a young age and I don’t wish it on anyone. Both of my kids want me at the funeral but I don’t know what to do. It was a messy divorce due to his emotional instability and long drawn out battles over child support and visitation. His parents buried their heads in the sand that he had any problems and are still in denial. I am sure I am the last person they want to see at the funeral but I want to be there for my kids.
You can go to the funeral as a support for your children and not have it about your ex.
I recently went through this situation
My ex husband died of alcohol abuse, the same reason I left him.
He had remarried and his wife whom I barely knew included me fully. She’d recently left him for all the same reasons that i had left him.
I held my head high and supported my children
It was interesting how I was included by people who’d known us when we were married and had walked away from me when I left him. I had more than one apology from people who could have but did not support me when I’d needed help.
I was a day I’d dreaded for many years but it was strangely cathartic. In the end I was not at all nervous because I had made peace with myself and with my ex husband.
I was able to say goodbye to the boy I’d met and not the man he’d become.
So hold your head high. You and everyone else know why you left him.
Besides the fact that I always being a very sociable, joyful person, not coping and grieving terrible sore a loss of my ex husband that passed away just 10 days ago and feeling very badly , sore. depressed don’t wanna have any interaction with people, just suddenly Isolate myself, my favourite company is my TV and my cats, BUT I don’t understand why ??.
I really don’t understand why I feel this way and so my 2 Young Adult Children from my First 20y marriage, specially my 30y married Son gets upset with me. Me and my Ex hubby don’t have children together and my ex also don’t have children on his own
After my ex divorce and besides the fact that I had 2 short periods relationships, I STOP believing in “”” love””” between a Man and s Woman. ( accepted the idea of having a partner, being Faithful but just as good compatible companions and friends )
However Now when my Ex husband passed away , I have those deep old “” loving feeling”” for him , perhaps because since about July we communicated quite often and I went and visit him like 3 times when he was in the Clinic/ hospital 3 months before he passed and he told me that no matter what, he Will Love me forever, and even sends me “” audio messages”” telling me that he Let me Go But Never let me down”” etc
He was my 2nd Husband and besides the fact that we have been in a very complicated marriage( financial disagreements , major disagreements due to daughter drug addiction, Now a Recovery addicted) We were joined for 8 years in total, legally married for 6 years , lived together for 4 years, both myself and him We loved each other very much and had a Very close Bond both emotionally and physically , had really Wonderful Special Unforgettable moments together)
He got sic 4y ago became medically refunded from work and was put in a lot of heavy Medication , his behavior towards me became very strange, and I did not Knew how to handle instead of trying to search for Expert advise, to cope??? by stupidity I gambled when felt hopeless and that made situation worse.
He told me to move out, and we separated again for the second time , after 2y living apart again he then made contact and asked me for a divorce, I agree, this was an “” amicable divorce”” and even in the court room we were holding hands, a action that made the magistrate ask if we were really certain if we wanted to divorce and our differences was really unreconcilable, we hesitated then he said better to get legally divorce, so we done it. After the divorce legal court procedure, we went out for a light lunch, and we talked and wept at times. The next day we were divorced for about 2. weeks after was a bit of a sad period then we carried on with our life’s. After a year or so I moved had got involved with other people , had 2 relationships, both ended, I ended. Recently since July I have been communicating with my Ex husband that just passed. Away, but just has Friends, however suggested to him to move in with me as a friend border, as I live alone, he took awhile to decide and about 3months ago He mention in the hospital that he was living bordering with a couple.
After I heard that I then joined a internet dating site for middle age people like myself but every time a person wants to make personal contact or take me out on a date, I make excuses and don’t want or even go
Nine days ago, I saw it on FB that my Ex Husband Passed away, I had a terrible Heart sore reaction and got very very upset with his Family for not tell me personally as I Always had before a very close a friendly relationship with his sibling, however after we legally got divorced 2y ago, I separated myself from all of them and also changed my phone number ( not on purpose, just happen) I then made contact with his sister and find out that she did try to contact me the night he passed away ,since then we being in contact and even cooperating with whatever they ask me. However try as much ad possible stay a way from Everybody as possible. To “” escape reality”” I just watch TV , unfortunately started to smoke again and stay as much as possible locked in doors a way from anybody .almost like my Life has stopped.
The major huge nightmare I still have to face now is his Funeral that will happen on Monday and the Memorial service will take place on the Same Church we got married 8years ago and Not show how I an going to cope, I def want to pay my last respects to him, but feel very heart sore just to think about how I an going to handle
What am going to do?
How l consult a Doctor?
This grieving feeling is seems to be combined with a bit of depression!?
Is it normal to grieve a Ex husband
Olga,
It is normal to grieve an ex-husband. It is also normal not to care one bit when they pass. Keep in mind that memory is a funny thing. .It tends to gloss over the bad bits, and dwell in the happier ones. Nice that you can treasure the memories of good times. You will get through the funeral. You might end up re-establishing ties with your former in-laws.
When you are ready, consider meeting new people. I joined a book club and other groups. I enjoy volunteering, which takes my focus off any of my problems. Some divorced people get more involved with their church and synagogue. We are rooting for you, girl!!!
Thank you for the advise, volunteer to help others, specially if involve children sounds more appealing to me and thankful for the suggestion, for now, had to consult my Doctor while was reminded by my Doc that this is not a long term solution def will help for now till after the funeral, taking mild tranquilizers seems to help
Thanks again for a really helpful site, blog ? New on this
Found out 3 wks before christmas, that my ex husband had died. We both remarried and this happened over twenty yrs ago.
He didn’t want anything to do with me (he divorced me) we had two children together, they didn’t want to see him anymore after they were about 11 and 14. Also not too bothered that he had passed. However I feel really upset? cannot stop thinking about him? have cried a lot as well. Must admit I am so shocked and surprised about how i’m feeling, also he had been dead 5 months before I was told, so double shock i suppose?
you’re a piece of work
What if your ex husband left you? like mine did!
Found out three wks before christmas 2018 he had passed by his new wife, he had already been dead 5 months by the time she told us, very cruel
I didn’t think I would be so very upset, guess I was grieving for the past,when we met at 17 and 21, and two children later.
Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time and space to grieve. You may be thinking of the great times you two had together when so young. A piece of the grief can be mourning the people that you used to be. Memory does a funny thing – it glosses over the bad bits and lets us view the past through rose colored glasses. Realize that the grief is not just about him.
You may want to express your sadness to friends, rather than keeping it bottled up inside.
Think about what gives you pleasure and go after it. For me, having lattes with girlfriends or going to a comedy movie helps banish the blues. It is normal to grieve people who were important to us in the past.
Thank you Wendi for your very kind words
Currently Divorced and going though grief and he has not passed away, but is terminal.
We were together 21 years, three children, two grandchildren. I never remarried. Divorce was not what I wanted, but it happened. We have remained friends and his wife was not the cause of our divorce. I have been to his home several times since he has been ill, we all shared dinner together, send texts, take photos and we all share our grandchildren, his wife included. The kids only know love, not relationship status.
I am grieving the thought of his passing and bust out with tears as memories come back, as I see a photo of our kids when young, or watch the old videos. I have 21 years of photos, videos, memories, and great stories.
His wife has the same amount of memories, photos, videos, and great stories of her time with him. We basically each have a share of our life with this man, me the early half, she the later half. I grieve for the past, for what was and what we had. I grieve that the grandchildren will lose memory of him as they are under 5 years old. I grieve for the new grandchildren that will come along and never know him, his smile, hug and pride over them.
I grieve for our own children, who as young adults will lose a parent and must live without his calls, visits, and times shared like holidays, birthdays and things that happen in their life.
I grieve because I can.
I grieve because grief is part of loving. We once loved in a different way, the way a couple loves who have dreams of the future as we set out to create our own place in this world.
I grieve not because I am “in Love” with him, but because I love him. Yes, I love him and the times we shared, the children we created and raised, the good times during our marriage, and even the bad times. We were a family and that family was torn apart by divorce, but the connection to him is still real. Forever we are connected though our descendants. Our lives will pass down though the grandchildren and for this reason I grieve for the loss of a part of us.
I grieve and I will not feel guilty for grieving. I will be at his funeral, supporting not only our children and grandchildren, but his wife. They have no children together. I know my place and my place is with our family, our blended family.
For those who need a reason to grieve, then grieve for your ex like you would for anyone you know who passes away. Grieve because they lost the ability to remain with the living, their life is cut short and they are removed from their family too soon. Grieve because death came and took your ex spouse away from life.
(I know he has not passed, but its near and I am so sad that he is suffering. As people we get upset by the suffering of strangers yet we are told by society not to grieve for an ex spouse. Why and How? How can we be so uncaring and unforgiving that we are told that we have no place in the grief process just because we are divorced? I challenge anyone who has an ex not to grieve when he or she passes. You may act like you can do it and put on some brave face and make comments that insinuate you do not care and such, but holding onto that anger is only going to hurt you in the long run and at some point, you WILL grieve)
My ex husband just passed this week and i am struggling with many feelings. I was there for.him this past month because he was the father of my children and he had no one in his life to be there. He was estranged from his children as he had an addiction that took front and center in his life. I feel like I am mourning and no one understands at all. My heart is broken. I feel like I failed all over again. I feel like I wish I could have fixed things for my children and they could have rekindled a relationship. I am shocking myself at how grief stricken i feel as we rarely spoke over the years. Just spending the last month of my life helping to be there for.him brought up heartbroken feelings I never knew I had. Now everything is so final. My kids will never get to really know their father.
What a wonderful example of kindness, compassion and forgiveness that you showed your children. Perhaps if they spoke with a counsellor or other person who deals with people who have addictions, they could learn that their father was incapable of being there for them. He made poor life choices which impacted them, but most certainly loved them. He was too incapacitated to have deep relationships.
I lost my parents and aunts and feel that time was a great healer for me. As time passed, my pain lessened. if strong grief feelings continue, There is free counselling at crisis centers, I did short term therapy at one for no cost to deal with a divorce related issue. Gather your friends and family around you to give you emotional support.
I just found out that my first husband, from whom I was divorced 30 years ago, had died in 2016. The short version of why I am crying is that the only other person on earth who shared my memories of our relationship has gone. To me, that is a real loss. I still love him.
. My ex husband died a little over a week ago we have been separated for over 8 years and we’re together almost 16 had two children and a volatile relationship. I am struggling with the emotional side of it all. Our children are my main concern and his mum and brother. Having lost their grandfather, husband, father only 4 weeks ago it’s been a really tough time. I have a close relationship with my in-laws and my father in laws death wasn’t a shock as he’d been unwell for a long time but incredibly sad and upsetting all the same. Then to lose Mark too it has really hit hard. I am in a wonderful relationship with a fantastic man whom I am marrying next year and I’ve never truly been happier. He is my happy ending to a turbulent life this far. However I feel I’m betraying him by my emotional outbursts over my ex. I feel I have no right to grieve in front of him or my children. I feel I’m in limbo and don’t know where I fit. The range of emotions are from sadness to anger to disbelief. My ex had tried to commit suicide several times, the first two times within a day of each other firstly sticking a knife into his neck followed by a head first jump out of a second floor in a hospital. He was paralysed from the chest down and that was a little over three years ago. He has since cut his legs failing attempts one and two to only succeed in attempt three. The children have been through so much and after Marks initial attempts I was there to support him but he had mental health issues that made it hard to care for him, plus we had a violent relationship that I still held against him and he had numerous affairs. So it wasn’t easy. However I never stopped the children from having a relationship with him as children need both parents in their lives regardless of what went on between Mark and I.
I guess what I don’t know is how to deal with his death, I feel an outsider as I’m not involved with the funeral although the children have asked me to support them but they are dealing with the lot of it. I feel I don’t belong in this and keep telling myself I’ve no right to be upset. I hope you could advise me if my feelings are just and that it’s acceptable for me to feel the way I do.
(((Louise)))
I feel your statement deeply
How do I deal with an ex that is dying and my older children handling this.
Vicki, I am exactly in you boat. How have you handled since March. I’m at a loss with my feelings of anger still and helping my grieving children
Nicole, I appreciate you sharing this. I’m on this page because a week ago I experienced the same with my ex. We were married 20 years and I loved him SO much, but he was a terribly mean drunk the last 5 years. I stood by him through E.R.’s visits and two rounds of rehab. I left because his sickness was harming the kid’s too much. My daughter’s school actually called CPS after hearing what she was dealing with at home. I had to get them and myself away. I was the one who noticed he wasn’t answering texts and I went to his apartment and found him dead. I’m not his wife, but I loved him and didn’t ever want to be divorced from him.
His family won’t speak with me and are probably dealing with a lot of anger and need someone to blame. They’re leaving his body in the morgue for me to pay for his burial as our kids get his “estate”. He was a broke, sick drunk and left nothing but bills and unpaid rent. They’ll have their memorial and I’ll have my own for our children. My memorial will be full of lifelong mutual friends and all my family who are brokenhearted for the kids. That’s fine…whatever.
I don’t have to put a judgement of good or bad on the divorce or my ex husband’s death.
I will go to his funeral and share in celebrating his life for and with my children and then the rest of the mourning.
I will not stay long and do more than likely not attend the family gathering. I was only close with a few of them. One betrayed my trust my young child’s trust. IDK how I will deal with that…I hope to remember don’t judge. Just be.
You are a wonderful example for others. You have moved on and can still emotionally support your family.
Wendi Schuller, author