Most of us are aware of the challenges that go along with the breakdown of the family when partners divorce. Once a couple decides to divorce, many issues and questions arise that had never been previously contemplated by the couple, such as who gets custody of the children, how to divide the marital property, finances, etc.
The process of divorcing one’s spouse can be extremely difficult in and of itself. However, when you combine the process of divorce with custody and other parenting issues, the process can become much more challenging. For many dueling spouses, the process of separating themselves from their marital partners and maintaining a parental relationship with their children can be a tricky balancing act.
Once the divorce is finalized and each parent is living in separate environments, one parent might still be consumed with anger, hurt or resentment, making it difficult to move past the divorce. Some parents find it tough to separate negative feelings about a former spouse without including their children, forcing them to choose sides between their parents.
Unfortunately, once parents engage in a battle to pollute their children’s feelings about the other parent, toxic co-parenting usually follows. As parents we all wonder how children will respond to a divorce once we have made the decision to end a marriage. We often wonder if our children will hate us, blame us for the divorce, or will have a difficult time adjusting to a one-parent household. Our main priority as parents, divorced or not, is to ensure that our kids have a happy, healthy, stable and balanced life. But for many divorcing or divorced parents, emotions run high and conflict with our former spouse feels unavoidable.
For some couples it is not easy to separate when you share a child with someone and both parties desire and intend to remain an active part of the child’s life. While the process of a divorce usually signals an end to the intimate relationship between the parents, there is still a healthy co-parenting relationship that needs to continue when there are children involved.
Parents need to develop a healthy relationship post-divorce for the sake and well-being of their children. It is essential for the child’s emotional and psychological health that each parent behaves respectfully toward each other and does not try to interfere with or undermine the child’s relationship with the other parent.
7 Tips for Healthy Co-Parenting When a Toxic Ex Is Involved
1. Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent to the child
Do not speak negatively of the other parent to the child or speak in an unflattering way about the other parent when the child is around. Although some divorces can be contentious with understandably hurt feelings and anger, children should be protected at all times from emotional pain. Both parents are required to provide a safe, secure, and healthy emotional support network.
2. Identify what Is most important to you as a parent
Creating a healthy partnership with the other parent reduces the likelihood of making a child feel he or she needs to pick a side between the parents. Children should be reassured that although parents no longer love each other romantically they still have some degree of love and respect for the other parent because they share children.
3. Support communication between your child and ex-spouse
Recognize that your child needs to have ongoing access and communication with both parents. Don’t avoid communicating with the other parent about any issues pertaining to the children. Each parent should have an honest and loving relationship with their children, so be sure what you saying to your children about respecting the other parent matches how you speak and behave toward the other parent.
4. Consider the other parent when making decisions about your child
Parents are encouraged to consider the other parent’s point of view whenever parental decisions need to be made. Remember both parents love the children equally, so it is only fair that you listen without judgement to any of their parenting suggestions and concerns. After all, if you’re initiating the concern, consider what the other co-parent might be thinking or reacting to what you are saying.
5. Learn to identify what triggers negative reactions from your ex
By identifying what triggers negative behaviors, former spouses can begin the process of healing from the divorce and becoming more effective parents. By knowing what upset you about a former spouse, you can develop options to manage your responses to the triggers.
6. Do not provide your child detailed reasons for your divorce
It is only natural for children to question their parents about the reasons leading to their divorce; however, the explanation should not include blaming the other parent, cheating, the other parent no longer wanting to be a family, etc. Simple explanations such as “we decided we did not want to remain married, but we are still a family”, answers the child’s question without assigning blame.
7. Respect your children’s relationship with the other parent
Be encouraging and avoid interfering. Divorce is not only confusing for spouses but for children as well. Children need to know that even if their parents are no longer together, the parents love towards the children remains and has not been changed or affected by the divorce.
I believe this article is premised on the assumption that divorced spouses must engage in a duel.
“Understanding the different choices of process is an important first step to resolving your divorce as inexpensively, amicably, and quickly as possible. Don’t make the mistake of ignoring your options.”
(http://openpalmlaw.com/the-7-biggest-divorce-mistakes-part-1-blog/)
“5 Things You Should Consider Before Filing For Divorce”
(http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/5-things-you-should-consider-before-filing-for-divorce)
“Cooperation or Combat? The Choice Is Yours!”
(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-baer/cooperation-or-combat-the_b_9684212.html)
This article encourages parents to gaslight their children. There should be a disclaimer that this article is not intended for those who are abuse survivors. Being honest with your children about why the divorce happened is sometimes necessary to prevent the infliction of further harm.
This article does not give solid advice on how to cope with an ex who was an abuser. Completely disagree. Honesty is more important especially when it means defending your self from toxic ex attempts to lie to your child and poison them against you.
The article says to not give a detailed explanation…it says nothing about being dishonest. As an abuse survivor I did not deem it appropriate to say “Mommy and Daddy aren’t together because Daddy tried to kill Mommy” that is incredibly damaging to a child. Speaking your full and detailed truth is best left for a close friend or therapist…who can help you work through your feelings and how to set boundaries and ensure safety both physically and mentally from a toxic abusive ex.
This article doesn’t help actually how to communicate with a toxic ex with bi-bolar or histrionic disorder.
what about a new person that walked to a relationship, myself dating my now exgf of 3years, to were at the end of our relationship she brought up co-parenting with her exhusband, but it turned out to become alott more than just talking about the kids an hanging out doing “family” outting. Now im in court battling out with her for our daughter. I really dont do the whole “co-parenting” crap. #coparentingruinsrelationships
My ex-wife is constantly using the children against me especially the 7-year-old constantly stopping him coming when she doesn’t get her own way
My ex crazy wife is constantly using our 7-year-old to get at me constantly stop starting access giving no reason whatsoever personally I think it’s to do with if she doesn’t get the wrong way she sucks that’s when it stops the access constantly I have tried to be reasonable growing up respectful come December this will be going on now for 3 years my head is absolutely in bits so God knows how our 7-year-old sons heads like
I’m always getting the blame for his behavior attitude anything he says horrible to her I brainwashed him desperately need help
This article is the WORST. You dont need to consider the other parent, you need to parent with out them having that much control on your life and in your mind. As long as there is nothing to mentally or physically harm the child what happens at moms house is her business and what happens at dads is his.
It is not up to you to include the other parent or allow them to armchair quarterback how they live.
This is one sided the crappy parent that wants to continue to treat the other parent crappy and use the child in any way they want to continue negatively influence the other parent and the child is wrong on many levels and the parent always reinforcing great things is always continued to be crapped on – why does one parent in a crappy co-parenting relationship have to be responsible for everything and the crappy co-parent gets away with every crappy move they make – while always at the center of everything trying to make the other parent look bad in anyway they can.
So when you suggest that the better parent take the responsibility-that is not what co-parenting is about and each parent should be held legally responsible to prove they are supporting there weight in co-parenting not making it worst because the child is affected the most.
I think this article is just for relatively normal ex spouses who are just fresh out of a split and who are still experiencing difficult emotions as part of the grief cycle and which tend to settle over time.
If you have an emotionally, physically or financially abusive ex please do not follow the advice in the article, particularly looking at the toxic ex’s triggers and looking for ways of reducing them. Often their trigger will be the loss of control over you. Please get specialist help as safety can be at stake.
I have sole decision making for kids and my ex is extremely unstable his new partner is mentally unstable,criminally she up on 6 charges,lost all 3 of her kids ,and just crashed truck they use regularly together. I contacted her mother to see if my kids are safe and she said absolutely not ! Now my ex is threating to charge me with invading her privacy. Because of the criminal and constant drug use can I withhold visits and should I go back to court
#3 says be honest with child then #6 says you should not tell the truth. Haha!!
Be honest with the kids from the beginning. They are smarter and know more than we think. My kids know their mother cheated and she had no problem bringing her affair partner (now husband) into or house in front of us all while we were married and paraded him around. The kids struggle with her because she continues to force him onto them. They enjoy their time with me because I’ve chosen to focus on them and myself and they recognize that.
We need to keep teaching our kids what healthy boundaries are and not protecting a toxic ex.