We house-hunted as a “happy couple” for about three months until we finally found our dream home: close enough to the city, yet far enough away that the yard was huge – and there were raised garden beds and even a glass greenhouse!
Our realtor, Troy, had been with us every step of the way. He was a gregarious guy who told funny stories, and he was a cancer survivor. When we met him at our new house to get the keys, we all hugged. It was a beautiful day.
Blindsided by an Unwanted Divorce
Little did I know that just four short weeks later, my wife would make me the recipient of an unwanted divorce. We’d gone on a short vacation just after closing on the house. Due to my job, I had to fly home a few days ahead of her. I guess she used those few days to really cement the idea of divorce in her head and come up with her plan—because when she returned, she was swift and sure about it. She texted on her way home from the airport. The dreaded, “we need to talk.”
“Sounds pretty serious,” I texted back in jest, never thinking my life was just about to unravel. She entered the house (our old one – at this point, we hadn’t even moved into the new one), walked down the hall, and set her suitcase on the floor. Then she leaned against the wall and slid down it until she was seated on the floor. “I want a divorce,” she said.
I can’t remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the line of, “wait – can we at least talk about it?”
But we couldn’t. Her mind had been made up. I needed to get out of there, so I packed a few things and went off to a crappy hotel by the airport. I hadn’t had a drink in five years. But that night I got myself a six-pack and hung out with the tv remote, wondering just what the hell I was going to do.
Divorce is much harder on the dumpee. I’ve read about the awful guilt that the dumper feels, and how it’s not easy for them either – but I think we all know that it’s worse if you’re the one who gets rejected. Oftentimes, the dumpee is completely blindsided. I was.
Other Life Stressors AND An Unwanted Divorce
But sometimes an unwanted divorce hits right when there are other major life stressors, making it even worse. We had just purchased a new home. I had just started a new job a few months before. About two weeks after my wife said the dreaded “D” word, they found out the boss and owner of the small company I worked for had been embezzling. His business partner took it over. Everything changed. Work had been the safe spot I could go to, and now even that had become a major stressor. Longtime employees warned me that the company might go under, and we should be looking for new jobs. Not only was I getting divorced, but I might also soon be unemployed.
I lived in our old house and she lived in our new one. I worked with our same realtor, Troy, to sell the old house. He was shocked to hear that she was leaving me. “But you just bought that house,” he said in disbelief. Apparently, it’s not very common for one spouse to leave the other just one month after buying a house. Who would have thought?
To add insult to injury, she said the “D” word just two weeks before my birthday, and I met her – at her request – at a UPS store the day before my birthday to sign some paperwork and get it notarized. “You do realize that tomorrow’s my birthday,” I said to her. She simply looked at me and shrugged.
She kept the new house. She made a lot more money than me. I couldn’t afford that mortgage alone. In one fell swoop, I lost everything. My wife, my home, my sense of security, and even my will to live. And each day at work I had to wonder what I’d do if the company went under. Jump off a bridge maybe?
Two-Years Post Divorce: I Survived, and Things Do Get Better
I’m coming up on the two-year anniversary of my divorce, and I’m still not over it. Sure, I’m doing a lot better in some ways; worse in others. Sometimes divorce comes bundled up with a whole lot of other major life stressors, and you wonder how you’ll ever get through it. I have finally let go of the intense hatred I felt for my ex – but it wasn’t easy. I wanted those wasted 14 years of my life back; I wanted my ex to suffer worse than she made me suffer; I wanted her next partner to treat her like crap and bail on her at the worst possible time; I wanted a piano to fall on her head, cartoon-style. I was steeped in negativity for quite a while.
The last two years have undoubtedly been the hardest of my life. But I survived. If anyone reading this is going through a similar situation, hang in there. Divorce is bad enough. Divorce plus a few other major life stressors is an emotional hell that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. But give it some time and things do get better.
Don’t give up.
It’s been 26 years for me from a situation similar to yours, except there are now two grown children by that 20-year marriage scattered across the country with families of their own, a second 13-year, passionless marriage to a very patient woman, and I’m still not “over it”. I think it’s nonsense to actually believe anyone really “gets over it”. If they claim they do, they’re being victimized by popular psycho-babble and they’re only deluding themselves or they weren’t emotionally involved in the marriage in the first place. I’ll probably go to my grave still grieving my divorce. When marriage is genuine like mine once was, divorce is losing a part of myself and, as I age, memories of happier times and better health are melancholy rather than comforting.
Wow…. Reading this opens my eyes to my own behavior. I have been harboring feelings that could possibly lead to a breakup and the thought of blindsiding my significant other and devastating him like this is awful. I’m going to share my thoughts with him and be open and honest with him. I never want to hurt someone the way you’ve been hurt…
Hi. Thanks for writing this. Our stories are almost identical, although at this point i’m only on day 5 of having been told the news. We were buying our dream house and had signed a bunch of paperwork for it, and when we met our realtor for the last bits to sign, he didn’t want the house anymore, and I couldn’t understand. I asked him what was wrong and he couldn’t say, and then I asked if he didn’t want to be married anymore. Didn’t think he would say yes. But, he did, and he is done. He is just absolutely done. Like you, we were married 14 years. Like you, it’s right before a big day (Christmas), and like you, I have way too many other life stressors going on. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but I was definitely completely blindsided. I thought we made it through the worst and for the first time in a long time, I was happy and content and thought everything was great and with the new house, our lives would be perfect. I’ve been reading stories like yours and from other people, and I’m really going to try and get rid of the hate as soon as possible and just try to find stuff to make me happy. It really sounds impossible because I haven’t been happy and my self esteem is zero. But, I do realize that maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so bad if I didn’t have such little confidence in myself. My husband broke my spirit and killed my self-worth a long time ago. I stayed depressed and kept wanting him to love me more and then I could take better are of myself. But of course, he didn’t love me enough, and the opposite came true. My closest family members have all died, my sister most recently, and I have no close family to call for to support me. No one in the world really loves me and that just sucks. I have friends who care very much, but it isn’t the same. But, I guess I’m grateful that I realize that i need to fix myself. I couldn’t do it for him, or for me, before, but maybe I can now. I don’t want to be in a second, passionless marriage. I’m having a moment of strength in a time of utter misery and devastation, so I’m going to write some good thoughts in a journal and maybe I can read it when I’m down again, and it will help a little to get through all the upcoming, devastating crap. Thanks for sharing your story.
So sorry to hear that, Heather. It really is a painful situation to be in – especially when your SO times everything so poorly. I wouldn’t have nearly as much resentment for my ex-wife had she told me the news *before* we bought a house together. When I asked her why she would go through that whole process and then ditch me at the end, she said “I thought it would make me feel better (buying the house) but it didn’t.”
It’s the kind of thing that I could never do to someone else… not that I’m perfect, but I would never do *that* to someone, when they were all excited about moving into a new house. I guess the only way to look at it is that someone who could do that is not someone I would want to be with anyway. Seeing it that way has helped some.
I hope you find a way to have a somewhat happy holiday. Hang in there. And if you want to talk anymore, you can reach me at [email protected].
Best wishes 🙂
“Someone who could do that is not someone I would want to be with anyway.” Thank you. I will repeat it to myself every day. Still, memories of better times persist. I’m turning 70, it’s been 26 years since my divorce, so I doubt the hurt will ever completely disappear. .
4 years ago, my now ex husband of 30 years posted to Facebook a picture of himself and his “latest” girlfriend without even thinking or realizing that I would see his post. When I called him out on it, he told then me he wanted a divorce. Bam! That was it, I was blindsided from all sides. My divorce wrecked me and he never looked back. Like I said, this was 4 years ago and my heart still aches. My ex was a serial cheater, but as we got older, he had me believing that he was leaving all of that behind, he acknowledged his cheating and assured me that was then, and like a fool, I wanted to believe him. I never wanted a divorce and through the hard times we worked on our marriage and we managed to stay together, but it took its toll. I was finally at a place where I thought we could be together for the rest of our lives, that he really did love me and wanted to stay with me, that’s what he said, he lied. He bought an RV and he hit the open road. I’ve seen him a total of 7 days since he left me, and every time we casually get together, it doesn’t get easier to be with him. I love him and I loathe him. I’ve come to the realization that I won’t stop caring for him, despite all of the hurt and pain I’ve experienced, the black hole in my heart isn’t going to miraculously close. Despite the loneliness and sadness, I survived and I have healed in lots of ways, but I miss my marriage and I probably always will.
“And you’re not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.”
Thank you for your story, John, and thank you for this blog. I appreciate being able to read other people’s experiences regarding divorce. It’s been four months for me and I’m in shock. I’m in disbelief. The memories of my former life flash back to me and leave a crushing feeling of hollow and anxiety in my chest. My life is in stalemate. I have a two-year-old daughter who’s growing and I’m missing these could-be-unforgettable and loving experiences. I’m 42 and living back home now. I can’t believe this is my life.
I’ve ruined a wonderful thing and have left my wife now a hardened version of what she was 6 years ago, scarred and angry. I’ve left my daughter fatherless and the divorce will secure her position as another statistic, void of influence from a loving father. I’m not able to come to terms with what has happened. I’m just in shock. I write emails to my wife, some angry, others loving, or even full of remorse and pathetic attempts to draw out any kind of response from her; she doesn’t reply. I don’t even know if she reads them, but it helps me to sort my emotions despite the lack of response. It’s a painful void of unknowing and regret. It’s anxiety and depression. It’s like floating in space suffocating knowing there’s nothing you can do to save yourself while at the same time realizing you’re losing and letting down the most precious things in your life.
I feel every ounce of your pain. After 13 years together, I got whacked with a blindside after a talk that didn’t go right. I was laid off in ’15 and had been out of work for three years having lost our house, my life savings, my wife’s life savings, falling into a deep depression, three cross country moves, and a razor close suicidal incident. Get through all of that together, find a new job and 6 months later, she’s out. I am thinking she probably hung on long enough to be sure I wasn’t going to kill myself and then she took the leap. Fortunately I had major help with depression and am not in a dark place that would likely have led to suicide, but let me tell you, I am bulletproof now. Just the decree to finalize and I am done. It still kills me that she is gone as she was the love of my life, but she’s not willing to work on it and I realize if that is the attitude, we should have never married in the first place.
Stay strong. Everyone around me says it gets better.
Thanks, Eric. I hear ya. Hope things are better now.
Whatt I’ve learned is that it’s usually not always the others fault, but certainly, we both participated in the pain. It took time to learn that, but now as I look back…I see that my former marriage wasn’t perfect, that I wasn’t perfect and that there were efforts made to express that. Anyway, hopefully you’re not seeing yourself as a victim always!
My wife and I have been together for over 4 yrs. We immediately fell head over heals in love. She had an 18 month old daughter that started calling me daddy very quickly in our relationship. We lived together in a small apartment for almost 2 years and found a house together. I was sober over a year before we met and was very active in my recovery. She was very supportive in this.
We married in Vegas in September of 2017 and I adopted her daughter in April of 2018.
We did everything together and were best friends. I sustained an injury at work in August of 2018 and sat at home all day unable to work and waiting on surgery. My recovery efforts were slipping and some depression set in. My wife got us tickets to a big music festival for our anniversary and I thought I had my recovery under control. We both decided to try a little “herbal” medication to enhance the experience. We had a great time and decided to try it a few more times at home. It helped with how I was feeling about myself, but that’s what alcoholism is. Finding an outside solution for an internal problem. Fights started happening as I would sneak to smoke here and there. A few days after Christmas I was kicked out of the house and she filed for divorce within a few days. I have since been vigilant with my recovery and now staying with family to recover from my surgery. I get to see and talk to my daughter as often as I can. I’ve been through a mutual divorce of 20 years that did not touch the pain I have felt over this one. I have taken complete responsibility for my mistakes and even seeing a marriage counselor on my own. I’m at a loss
It’s sounds very similar I don’t know what to do it’s been a bit over 2 months I’m still devastated. I feel like I’m just waiting to die. I want out.
Hi Andrew: I understand exactly how you feel, and I had many dark times and bad thoughts. If you’re genuinely feeling like you want to harm yourself, please reach out to someone. It’s a hard thing to go through (divorce), but it’s not worth ending everything. Take care of yourself. If you want to talk more about it in private, you can email me at [email protected]. Stay strong. I can promise you that it does get better – it just takes some time.
Thank you!
This almost made me feel worse….
I also live in Oregon. Im not doin well at all. My wife of 8 yrs has kicked me out for the third, an possible last time. I desperately want to make it work, but I think she’s also made up her mind by this point, who could blame her. If youre willin to catch up in the next two months itd be appropriated, if not; my hope is everyone else has a better life than I.
First of all I didn’t even know there is a Divorce magazine, so at least for that I am glad I saw this! Also thank you for your perspective. Today would have been my 20th anniversary and it is really hard even though we divorced almost 5 years ago. It has been an up and down journey made better by two kids but also harder at the same time. Good to know so many people out there feeling similarly
Going through a separation that started in October…. 1 month after buying our first house…… and now we are getting divorced while I’ve been away working on myself so we could fix our marriage. It was so reassuring to read this and just know that someone else has gone through something at the worst time, like a time that just doesn’t even make sense. Thanks for sharing, I hope you’re doing better.
About 18 months ago my partner of 14 years just packed her bags, and I had to call her at work to incredulously ask why there were a load of packed bags. She came home, put them in the car, and was gone within the hour. Blindsided, in retrospect it actually only seems the more callous, cold, unfeeling, cruel even. Didn’t tell me where she was going, I was worried she was having a mental breakdown. She never told me but I learned there was another man involved. I’ve never seen her since. It’s been 18 months and, like a lot of these stories/comments here (which I’m glad to read by the way)- things didn’t get better. Not really.
Sure, the wild, overwhelming close to suicidal first few months are gone, and I’m certainly not so wildly lost in grief, but in other ways it just hurts more. The self-help get-over-it mantras online are fine, but I really truly loved this individual with a depth I just can’t see myself recovering from, I still can’t process how she could act so callously, how someone I loved so deeply and trusted so completely could completely trash my life in this way. And I’m glad to finally read here others like myself.
For me the double triple whammy was being pulled over by the police two weeks after she left, over the limit. Lost my license. Wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t wrecked my life two weeks earlier, but I suppose I have to take responsibility for this. Then mere months into the grieving process Covid and lockdowns. I cannot believe the kind of lonely, broken Golem character I’ve become, just some faint shadow of the happy, full, joyous life I had before, even with its natural ups and downs, it was a thousand times better than this. I’m enduring, and I no longer have any good reason to, I just will. Like others here have said, I simply cannot believe this is my life now, even 18 months in. From the moment she left, there hasn’t been a single moment where I’ve felt normal, or that anything is right, every single moment waking or asleep is cursed with that same feeling of shock, and “this isn’t right” from hour one.
Anyhow, that’s my pity party. I will go on, but like others here, I don’t see (at least in the foreseeable future) that I’m going to move past this, it meant too much to me, and the damage done was simply too real, too much. Maybe in five years I’ll miraculously have moved completely on, but I don’t feel that now.
God bless you all btw, we can do this.
My husband only married me to become a citizen. One month after he became a citizen he started divorce process. Two years after divorce my pain is overwhelming. We were married for 17 years. I don’t think I will survive this. I simply wish my life would end.
A massive cardiac arrest would be all I need right now.
I would never take my own life. I just need the pain to go away. I cannot get past the thought that the love of my life used me.
I feel the exact same way. I don’t think I’m going to get over this, not ever.
I just found this article. I was abandoned, 1 week before our Wedding Anniversary. I even relocated to his home state to be with him. Now left with no one in a brand new city/state while he has a new girlfriend, friends, co-workers, and family. Your article resonated with me. Thank you. This is still so new, still very raw and painful, but this does give me hope. Thank you.
Hi Kim: sorry to hear your story. It’s rough. If you need to chat, you can email me – [email protected]
I was blindsided by divorce one week after our 30th anniversary. My ex posted a photo of he and his girlfriend of 2 years on Facebook (who does that?) of corse I saw the post because he was my husband and when I asked WTF, he told me he I wanted a divorce, And BAM that was it! That was nearly 5 years ago, we’ve been divorced for almost 4 years. Ironically, but typically, I was the one that did all the legwork getting the divorce finalized. He now RV’s around the country and he’s a happy guy. He doesn’t see his kids, only rarely talks to them (our daughter told him to never crawl back again, so there is that.) but he’s happy. I can’t argue with happiness, but I think I’ll never fully get over being thrown under a bus after being pushed in front of that bus. I went through abandoned spouse syndrome and I’m still susceptible to its pain and depression, but I’m better, I am. Time truly is a lifesaver. Sometimes it still feels unreal, how could I have been so unaware and so vulnerable, and yet I was and I’ll take it to my grave. Scar tissue remains. Nowadays my ex is just someone I used to know…
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